[Flashback] Regrets « Mike Villar: Rising Internet Star

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[Flashback] Regrets

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

A couple of regrets—

Baby the time you got off my car hurriedly, I never got a good glimpse of you; what’s strange is I can’t seem to remember your face. For hours now I can’t figure out why in God’s name I can’t recall the face of someone I have been with every single day of my life for roughly two years? I keep telling myself “Mike, it’s just that you don’t want to remember her for fear of how you would take it—for fear of how you’d be so overwhelmed by the pain that would consume you.” And indeed it’s true. I went down an hour prior to writing this letter and had a smoke; another thing we so often do together during the splendid time that we worked here together; and I’ve never felt so empty. The world around me appeared to be colorless and bland; the noise of people talking, cars passing by and the sound of the overplayed acoustic tunes being played in Dencio’s seem to be coming to me like a mocking drone that pounds me with reminders that you’re not here with me.

Anyways, I decided to go up to the parking area (by the way, I don’t need to walk all the way to the mall to the parking anymore because apparently, they decided to extended the operating hours of the parking building in Mega World.) to get my birth certificate which I needed to submit to Human Resources as part of the employment requirements recently handed down to me. I unlocked my car and like a severed limb, I had this phantom feeling that the passenger door would open and by the time that I sit down on the driver’s seat you’d be sitting next to me, kissing me and throwing your arms around me like what you always do. My birth certificate was in a folder on a backseat but just as I was about to get it, I noticed my wallet; I must’ve left it. Unconsciously, I opened it and there you were, smiling at me—smiling at me with the smile I was so accustomed to; the smile that never fails to make me weak and powerless. It must’ve been involuntary, I lost it all right there baby, Tears were forming in my eyes and it was so inevitable. I really hate it when I do not have any control whatsoever with regards to the way I react but I guess that’s just the way it is; I sobbed uncontrollably like a baby—something that I rarely do, something that I only did snuggled comfortably across your chest with my arms wrapped around you. I can only recall a few instances when I cried this hard; the first time was when we were on the verge of breaking up and I was threatened with the fact that I’m about to lose you. You could only imagine how harder I cried this time—first, I don’t have you to catch my tears and second, I lost you. No, I didn’t lose you, but you were taken away from me; taken away by the grim circumstances and the fucked up twists of fate that ended up with you and me in the position we’re in right now.

Baby, I’m really having a hard time holding up. I feel like an ant trapped in a complex colony; I’ve never felt this vulnerable and I never will do. With you by my side I felt like I was made of iron, but now that you’re so distant I feel as fragile and frail as anyone else. I feel helpless; helpless as the moment I was stopped by the guard to come to where you’re at earlier at the airport. That too was very hard for me baby; I know you’re having a hard time, I know you’re hurting and you needed my shoulders, my touch, my kiss and my words to make it all okay. I know my being there with you at that moment wouldn’t make everything okay but at least I can take all your sufferings away even just for a fleeting moment—just like what any designer drug would do to take all your problems away; to, for a moment, give you a break from all the complexities and harsh realities of the world. But they stopped me baby, I felt so helpless. I had this sudden instinct to trash out like a madman and force my way into the terminal but I thought better of it.

In time baby I’d be fine, but at the time of the writing of this letter, I am scarred unimaginably. I have lost the will to do pretty much anything and I have lost interest in all of the things that used to make me happy…the things I used to do that are just not the same without my princess beside me. Be it watching TV while I stroke your hair; driving around with my hand on your lap or even just walking around noticing all the trivial things we come across. My life is in shambles baby, I just wish that the time when I’d get to see you in your stewardess uniform, dragging along your insanely huge bag and wearing that puss in boots look on your face would be nearer that what I feel like.

Nothing could make me feel better baby; even the songs I hear on the radio that usually commiserate with whatever I feel seems to fit in perfectly to mock me in all my sadness. Baby I have written a lot now and still I can’t express how much I’m shattered right now. Below is a poem from one of my most respected poets. A simple man from Chile` who has felt the pangs of being away from what he truly loves; At least I have someone who sympathizes with me at a time when I’m so low; a time when the only person who I can talk to and genuinely sympathize with me is thousands of miles away…Pablo Neruda:

SADDEST POEM
I can write the saddest poem of all tonight.

Write, for instance: “The night is full of stars,
and the stars, blue, shiver in the distance.”

The night wind whirls in the sky and sings.

I can write the saddest poem of all tonight.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

On nights like this, I held her in my arms.
I kissed her so many times under the infinite sky.

She loved me, sometimes I loved her.
How could I not have loved her large, still eyes?

I can write the saddest poem of all tonight.
To think I don’t have her. To feel that I’ve lost her.

To hear the immense night, more immense without her.
And the poem falls to the soul as dew to grass.

What does it matter that my love couldn’t keep her.
The night is full of stars and she is not with me.

That’s all. Far away, someone sings. Far away.
My soul is lost without her.

As if to bring her near, my eyes search for her.
My heart searches for her and she is not with me.

The same night that whitens the same trees.
We, we who were, we are the same no longer.

I no longer love her, true, but how much I loved her.
My voice searched the wind to touch her ear.

Someone else’s. She will be someone else’s. As she once
belonged to my kisses.
Her voice, her light body. Her infinite eyes.

I no longer love her, true, but perhaps I love her.
Love is so short and oblivion so long.

Because on nights like this I held her in my arms,
my soul is lost without her.

Although this may be the last pain she causes me,
and this may be the last poem I write for her.

This letter was written 9.30.04– the time when I saw my ex-girlfriend off at the airport.

Posted by mikey at 11:16 PM | permalink

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