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Hiatus. Beginnings and ends

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Must say that being away this long from writing feels very awkward. I feel like my spontaneity has been spoiled and my usually very fluid words have been stagnated. I had no intentions whatsoever to write again but it felt like my writing, as a passion, has some sort of longing for itself. I have alot of catching up to do with regards to this journal and I intend to bring it up to speed with capsules of what transpired during my long hiatus.

In my absence, I feel like most of my time was spent quenching an insatiable thirst, or is this thirst really a depravity which slowly and painfully consumes me? These past few months I’ve been so sickeningly inlove to the point that I have forgotten that I have a self to love as well. My days have been more gruelling than they were before I fell in love but the strange thing about it is I’m not complaining–and I’m actually happy with what I am doing. A friend asked me recently why I even bother with love and all its torturous meshes; and this got me thinking. I have come to the sudden realization that her happiness precedes mine in the same manner that it has become vital to my own; and more often than not, my convenience takes a backseat to, ironically, make her convenient. I’m way past the point of the galant paramour brandishing expensive gifts and a sweet tongue– and unlike most forays into establishing some sort of dysfunctional relationship where I’d usually feign concern to get into someone’s panties, I feel like my intentions are pristine and unadulterated–it’s almost like I’m inlove for the first time.

Conventionally, people who go out develop this spark and gradually fall inlove–amazingly for me, I began with huge, glowing embers. We’ve been going out for eons now yet whenever I’m with her, the eagerness I feel is almost the same as our first real date. My only wish is that I can sustain this fire, this drive; I hope that all of these won’t be eroded by time and tainted by impatience.

“…When love beckons to you, follow him, though his ways are hard and steep. And when his wings enfold you yield to him, though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you…For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning…He kneads you until you are pliant…Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself. Love possesses not nor would it be possessed; For love is sufficient unto love…Think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course…”

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