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The switch

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

It occured again; for the first time since two years ago, my body had seceded from my brain and took control of itself. I wasn’t thinking at all, and my actions are solely based upon my primal instincts as an animal– my brain, if it had an on/off switch– was turned off.

My memories of the events prior and after the event were lucid; the nanosecond leading up to the event, the crazy stir of emotions, building up to its climax– and then I remember nothing; I do not recall making any conscious decision that authorized my violence. A fraction of a second later, my memory again kicks in grradually and the thoughts are once again are vivid and clear– but then it was too late– and frankly I don’t care…

The mystery lies in between the second that anger gushed out of me like water flowing out of a dam and the second where I am sitting on the floor, with my back against the wall, my upper lip bleeding profusely and my knuckles sore. In those moments, those seconds, where my brain - like a switch - is simply turned “off”. It doesn’t exist. It doesn’t think, it doesn’t act. It has no control over my motor functions.

Do we regress back to creatures of pure instinct? Animals? The sweat beads on our palms, the erratic muscle spasms in our legs, our hyperventilation– is this instinct? The confrontation begins, and you vaguely remember jerking to a halt. But you have absolutely no control– like someone who is intoxicated with alcohol, you can only faintly remember an experience. Your only clues to the fact that something vile actually happened lie in the devastated outcome or the memories of others.

Here I am, standing triumphantly over the shredded pieces of my school report– The school report I’ve compiled for roughly two gruelling months; the wooden table in my study has submitted to my physical prowess and is upturned; I am frustrated but victorious; but am I really?

Subtly, I think all of us are animals– sometimes we regress to a violent creature that every once in a while, surfaces to relieve us of all the tension and worries of being a civilized man, of being urbanely refined. As animals we become creatures of instinct, of the base feelings and attitudes of humanity. Fear, anger, instinct and violence become us, and there is no denying it; and no stopping it for the coming of your animal is inevitable.

Our brain switches itself off to protect us– but we do not control the on/off switch– it controls us.

Posted by mikey at 11:14 PM | permalink

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