In the not so distant future, in a land not too far away, television would be reduced to a capitalist mind control device which tells one what shampoo to use, what clothes to wear, what beer to drink or what car one should total by hitting an oak tree at 100 mph. The few of us who were lucky enough to experience true television entertainment before it defeated its own purpose would only be able relive it by telling teary eyed accounts to our kids. We would recant how it was when Big Bird strutted jovially on Sesame Street without being encumbered with the obligation of carrying a McDonald’s sign the size of a city bus on his back; or how Alyssa Milano looked so much better in a TV series called “Charmed” without that Taco Bell tattoo she now has on her face. But all of it would be for naught for the kids we’ll have in the future would be nothing but fascist robots controlled by the media. They would say “Fuck you, wrestling is sooooo NOT fake” and chase us around with chainsaws and eventually send us to media controlled concentration camps where we’d be brainwashed into believing that McDonald’s serves real food.
Commercialization has taken its toll on TV entertainment and has seemingly forgotten about it’s core purpose which, ironically, is to entertain. Most if not all the TV series airing today are based on lame, uninspired screenplay. More often than not, more value is allocated to aesthetics rather than talent which explains why most, if not all, TV actors and actresses we have today have about the same spontaneity as infomercials when it comes to their dialogue.
Actor: Your mother is dead and you can’t do anything about it!
Actress: (30 seconds later) Yes but you are a brute!
Actor: (2 minutes later) I love you! But I have to go to Paris to study. I would have an amnesia-inflicting car accident there, totally forget you and fall in love with an anorexic Japanese chick.
Actresss: (5 minutes later) You are such a brute! but if you order within 10 minutes, you’ll get not one! not two! but three! Yes! THREE fridge magnets! What a great offer!
This type of retarded scriptwriting is very rampant in Chinovelas. For those of you who don’t know, Chinovelas are the latest additions to the list of things we could produce locally yet we’re too lazy to. We also import rice, cars, basketball players, half-bred caucasian actresses as well as edible fungi from Norway. These are annoyingly stupid soap operas we import from China, Hong Kong, Korea or whatever God forlorn crevice of Asia they come from. Most people are unaware of the idiocy Chinovelas cause and the effect it has on the solar system as well as the traffic it causes due to people rushing home so as not to miss Lovers in Paris or whatever the fuck is showing on ABS-CBN around 6pm. For this very reason, I have decided to write a guide about Chinovelas.
Title
Ordinarily, the title plays an integral role on the plot and general direction of the series’ story. This does NOT apply in Chinovelas though because the scriptwriters of these things actually just skim through the dictionary trying to find deep english words that the commonfolk in their respective countries never use for fear of being turned into tadpoles. This gives the scriptwriters an enormous ego masturbation and makes them feel that they’re the baddest, most influential writers their country has ever produced ever since John Haiku who came up with the concept of Haikus FYI. So if you happen to chance upon a Chinovela with the title “Trite Love forever Asian Pride” Don’t expect the plot to have any relation to the title. Come to think of it, even the title doesn’t make sense but the story would probably about a rich lesbo who falls in love with a bonsai. “Meteor Garden” contrary to popular belief, is not science fiction but rather is a story of four guys who gang rapes a drugged up catholic school girl.
Characters and plot
When engaging in the intricate art of making Chinovelas, one should adhere to the strict parameters it dictates and character development as far as Chinovelas are concerned are no exception. The general rules are as follows: In most cases, Chinovelas are love stories but the actual “love” part between the main characters should in no way be evident until the 452nd episode. Initially the guy should be part of a pack of testosteroney college bullies who have uber rich families. The clique should ideally be made up of four snotty guys who think that the length of their hair could compensate for their penis size. The gang leader should have an anger management problem, spiked hair as well as a fetish for clothes that are too tight for him; his personality typically borders between being choleric and being a serial killer. This would give room for him to metamorphose gloriously into a saint after he falls in love with the girl. At the same time, this allows his character to have “depth” and the story to have a predictable, albeit, amusing twist coming to the end. The second member should be the urbane gentleman that the main girl character would fall in love with before falling inlove with the gang leader; he knows how to play the violin, tie cherry knots using his tongue and is capable of destroying a car with his bare hands in less than 60 seconds kinda like the bonus round in street fighter 2. He is the laconic retard the main girl character has a big crush on and they would end up going at it like rabbits much to the resentment of the gang leader who would banish the laconic retard from their clique. The third character pretty much does nothing but sit around and look cool, he’s always in the backdrop laughing at all the stupid chinese jokes the gang leader tells. The fourth member is gay and just hangs around with the three in hopes of getting buttfucked by the laconic retard.
The girl on the other hand should come from a dysfunctional, dirt-poor family and although given that fact, she should be able to afford trendy, signature couture. Initially, nobody likes the girl and he gets tripped on by everybody in her school especially the clique who rapes her every other day. There will come a point in the story where the gang leader would realize that she’s beautiful afterall so what the hell right? Maybe she could be his girlfriend. Unfortunately the girl has her hooks on the laconic retard who pretty much agrees to everything everybody says and ignores the gang leader for about 102 episodes.
Conclusion
This pretty much gives you a general overview of how chinovelas should be made. Although variants come up once in a while like replacing the gang leader with a haughty, cold-hearted businessman or replacing the poor college school girl with a maid who sidelines as a cigarette vendor, the core elements are still there and the plot pretty much goes down the same formulaic direction that all chinovelas go.
ay tangineng you were also citing Meteor Garden pala. haha.
pinanood ko yung Chinese version ng MG2 though. ganda kse ni Yesha.
Posted by abbee at July 6, 2005, 9:42 pmEwan ko nga ba kung bakit ang liliit ng Fonts dito sa huwalangyang CommentBox na ito. Hahahahah Kamusta Abbee? Miss na kita tsong!
Oo chikas yung babae sa MG2 hehehe
Posted by Anonymous at July 6, 2005, 9:54 pmhow come pala the font's sooooo small. 2:43am na. sakit na mata ko.
How come lots of people were crazy over MG? I don't get it. The main guy is supposed to be really rich … but he dresses funny. Stupid hair pa. *dodges rocks, delata, etc. stuff F4 /MG fans might throw at her*
Posted by Midori-X at July 7, 2005, 2:52 amoops.
How come I start sentences in "how come"?
hahaha. must be sleepy.
MG? Si Dao ba yan? hahaha Ewan ko nga ba, pero crush na crush ng mga tropa kong babae yan.
Oo nga eh ang liit ng Text dito sa comment Box; I'd ask around. I'm gonna head home na. Goodmorning people 
hehe pero I love tuning in din to Star Chinese for hilarious chekwa movies. kelangan nga lang maumpisahan dahil wala nang sense pag hindi.
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gagow hahaha koreanovelas ang tawag dyan!
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putangina bat anliliit ng fonts? MALABO NA MATA KO HOY!!! pakiayos nga. hehe. mwah.
Posted by abbee at July 6, 2005, 9:40 pm