What I would do to get Maike Evers

Thursday, July 7, 2005

I
would slash my jugulars with a dull knife then proceed to collect the
viscous fluid spurting out of my ruptured vein in a coffee mug then
force random kids I find on the streets to take a sip, making them
believe it’s Kool Aid. I would maim them by viciously smashing their
skulls with my shoe if they show any hints of refusal.

I would sell my car and use the proceeds on purchasing random things such as door knobs, curtain rods and water heaters.

I would go to the hospital and ask the doctors to surgically extract
my liver. I would then invite my friends over to a barbecue where I
would serve them assorted charbroiled delights such as grilled liver
with carrots and corn; grilled liver with mashed potato or grilled
liver with chicken spleen.

I would have a double cheeseburger with fries and large soda please.

I would cut a deal with the devil that would involve the
relinquishment of my soul, my car and my NBA card collection in
exchange for Maike, a happy afterlife and ten crates of fertilizer. I
would then tell him that his shoes are untied and shove him down the
abyss.

I would quit my job and devote my life to helping women with breast
cancer. I would then realize that the words breast and cancer in one
phrase isn’t sexually arousing and I would be involved in a random
stabbing spree that would end up with me slaying 342 people and 17 cows.

I would promise to go to the gym.

I would run for presidency and win. And I would come up with a
decree that would ban ugliness, substitute math teachers, poverty and
fishball vendors. The people’s cakey beliefs and naiveté would cloud
their minds and prevent them from seeing my sterling reasons. They
would attempt to overthrow my government. They would loot. They would
pillage. They would rape. They would kill. They would vandalize. They
will disturb the peace but I would remain adamant and order the
immediate torture and eventual deaths of the people who oppose me.
People will shudder in fear by the mere mention of my name and they
would have no choice but to exult me and praise me for my brilliance. I
would flash a leery grin and marvel at my power. Then I would choke on
a small toy and die a slow, painful death.

I would chew off my fingers and pour acid on my face.

I would…Wait..didn’t I say the exact same shit for Kitchie Nadal before?