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Carwasher’s Maong reeks

Saturday, July 16, 2005

I
think we’d all agree that we go through life learning a lot of nifty
things.Like the other day for instance, I had some sort of refresher
course with “Murphy’s law.”I absolutely hate cleaning my car, and the
rare occasions that I do, something almost always goes wrong.Either
some neighborhood kid with artistic bouts decides that writing “JAY-JAY
2005” in big, jagged letters using green Crayola would look funky on my
red Civic; or a bird finds it funny to decorate my windshield with a
splat or two of a white, grainy substance an hour after I clean it.The
other day, however, it was Mother Nature’s turn to piss on me and my
car.It wouldn’t be so bad if I wasn’t halfway applying wax on the damn
thing.


You’d
think that after so many times that this has happened to me I’d just
stop cleaning my car altogether and just bring it to the car wash but
no sir!I keep on doing it; maybe because it satisfies my self
actualization need.After all, nothing beats rolling down the street
with a gleaming, squeaky clean, big, mean, red machine knowing you
cleaned it—and that’s saying something considering that I live in a
country that’s steadily becoming known for cheap labor.For a measly
$0.90, you could have a platoon of minimum wagers pile up over your car
and buff it up to a shimmer you never thought possible.


Or
maybe the self actualization bit is bullshit. Maybe I just don’t like
the stink of them car washer’s wet jeans to cause my upholstery to
permanently reek.Wet, improperly dried maong has this weird repulsive stench if you don’t know already.In Ilocos we call that stench umok. But I digress.


I
have a point somewhere within the last three paragraphs but I lost it.
I think what I’m trying to drive at is that if I only respected
“Murphy’s law” more; maybe I wouldn’t be doomed to make the same
mistakes over and over again.


But
I’m stupid like that and Murphy, whoever he is, hates my guts.In fact
if Murphy was a real person he’d probably punch my face in, make me
bite the curb and kick the shit out of me.


The
very same principle is applicable to drinking sessions with my friends
Mark Garcia and Nisha Solomon; I know that whenever I get sloshed with
them, I end up doing the most stupid of things—like giving my phone
away, lying in the middle of a street almost ending up doing time for
indecent exposure or in this case—sleeping with Nisha?Let’s hope not…

I look at the Caller Line Identification on my Motorola again:


– Solomon, Nisha –


I flipped the phone open and held it against my ear.


“Hey Nixie! What’s up?” I ask sounding like I have a mouthful of crackers.


“Not much Mike, what’s up?” The perky female voice on the other end replies.


“Not
much, what’s up with YOU?”I have come to an understanding that ‘what’s
up’ is a mildly amusing verbal soccer match where you keep kicking ‘not
much’ up and down the field until somebody gets down to business.


I’m
positive that even the geekiest, most uninteresting people in the world
could come up with something better than ‘not much.’“I replaced my hard
drive and installed DIMM’s on my motherboard yesterday” would be an
acceptable reply, but I reckon we’re just throwing ‘not much’ at each
other because of the sheer awkwardness of the situation.Awkward? Why
the hell would we feel awkward?But of course there’s a possibility that
we did something last night that might cause all this…awkwardness; and
honestly, that’s a possibility I wouldn’t want to think about right now.


And if she ever says ‘not much’ again, I’m going to hang myself with a necktie.


“Not much,
hey listen…” I do a cartwheel. “I’m just checking if you’re alright,
you were puking your guts out earlier at my place.” She says.


“I’m
better I guess, although the puking hasn’t stopped yet and my head
feels like it was raped by a whale.What did you put in my drink last
night man?” I ask prepping myself for the worst.


“You
wish! Mike, if I wanted to rape you, I wouldn’t have to do all
that.You’re the most easily seduced man on the planet.” She has a point.


“Don’t
start with the seduction talk Nixie.” I said, trying to dodge the
subject.“By the way, thank you for taking me home last night, I just
learned that through Mark.” I added, coming up with the best segue I
could muster.


“Mike,
I have something to tell you…” I think I’m drifting back to sleep
again. Sepia colored scenes are beginning to hit me from all
directions; sort of like those flashback moments in the movies. I think
it’s all coming back to me.


Nisha
and I, in all our drunken glory barely made it inside her condominium
in Katipunan. What’s surprising is that upon entry (in her condo you
pervert), there were a couple of our friends waiting for us already—our
good friends testosterone and estrogen.


“Well,
well, well! Look who finally decided to show up.” Testosterone looked
up from the book he’s reading. “Do you know how long we’ve
waited?” He said peeved. Testosterone has this temper problem you see.


“Oh
come on T!” Estrogen cut in.“Take it easy on the two; they look like
they had a long night.The important thing is that they’re here and we
could get the party started.”Estrogen said in a cheerful tone. No
wonder a lot of men nowadays love Estrogen so much.


I
figured that since we’ve kept Estrogen and Testosterone waiting for so
long, we should do the only decent thing left. We skipped dinner and
the drinks altogether. Actually I don’t think we even made it to the
bedroom before all the articles of clothing found themselves random,
comfortable places on the floor. I think I even remember one of my
socks hanging on one of the cacti Nisha has in her apartment.


“Oh my fucking God, we did it didn’t we?” I said snapping out of my micro sleep.


“What!?” Even Nisha didn’t see that coming.


“I’m
sorry, I think I fell asleep and I was dreaming of something along
the lines of that.  I mean, not that I WANT it, but that’s how
dreams go I guess.” I said fumbling for words.


“You’re
an idiot you know that? And what’s up with that? See? I knew all
along how much you desire me!” Nisha starts to laugh.


“…”


“NOTHING
HAPPENED MIKE. You were so drunk you couldn’t even see straight,
you were practically crashing into every wall in the place.  You
didn’t want to go home man, you were THAT drunk. I had to use a little
beer logic on you to convince you to let me take you home. You know, I
even told you that there was a treasure chest full of chocolates
waiting for you in your house.” She said still laughing.


“So we didn’t?” I ask.


“No! And you should feel bad about it!” She jokes.


I should probably sleep now.

Update 8:50pm :

I was tagged by the great Micketymoc to answer this Movie Baton, so here we go.

Total number of films I own on DVD, VCD and VHS- 20
+ VCD’s and around 70 DVD’s for a total of 90 movies.  I’m proud
to say that only 5% of those are porn.  Who says men are pigs?

Last film I bought- Monster’s Ball because Halle Berry want’s me to make her feel good!

Five (5) films which I watch a lot/mean a lot to me:

1.  The Shawshank redemption - because Andrew Dufresne crawled through a pipe of shit and came out clean on the other side.

2.  The Godfather - because Al Pacino didn’t have eyebags yet.

3.  Reservoir Dogs- Low budget + Quentin Tarantino = violent, gory fun.

4. Saving Private Ryan - because it’s not fubar.

5. This is Spinal Tap - because his amps go up to 11. wow.

My cousin Kuya Pau has an eclectic taste when it comes to movies and I think it’d be interesting to see him answer this.  So Kuya Pau, Tag, you’re it.  :)

Posted by mikey at 9:02 PM | permalink

Previous Comments

nisha is one of your best friends?? think before you plunge! but how can you think smart when you're drunk?? well, on the other hand, if you're THAT drunk… nothing could happen he he and testosterone and estrogen were really mad at you 'til now because you were THAT drunk.

Posted by bing at July 16, 2005, 10:47 pm

very interesting postings, keep it up :)

Posted by tintin at July 16, 2005, 10:59 pm

I know exactly what you mean Bing hehe. Certain parts of my anatomy actually dislike alcohol. ugh that's unfair aint it? hehe

Posted by Mike at July 16, 2005, 11:03 pm

Gak! Way to throw me a curve ball couz!

You see I have a strict rule about my blog: no quizzes, no memes, and no tags.

If it's all the same to you, I'll just put my answer as a comment here.

Also, I'm going to need a few days to think this one over. Asking me to rank the top 5 movies that mean a lot to me is just like asking me to name my favorite movie….or offspring….or finger.

Oh and sleeping with a friend is a messy situation that I'd rather not happen to me….again.

Posted by Pau at July 16, 2005, 11:13 pm

that is just fair… it requires stamina or vigor he he ask T and E… they will agree LOL

Posted by bing at July 16, 2005, 11:16 pm

ahhh, there are good reasons cars cant talk…!

Posted by maggie at July 17, 2005, 2:06 am

thanks for swinging back, have a good one :)

Posted by tintin at July 17, 2005, 8:24 am

Bing, well I guess you're right hehe. Kuya Pau; take your time! :) Have a great week everyone! :)

Posted by mike at July 17, 2005, 8:08 pm

What the hell, I posted the answers in my blog because it's a bitch trying to compose the answers here. You could pass the baton on to your friends if you like.

Posted by Pau at July 18, 2005, 6:58 am

gandang morning ;)

Posted by nao at July 18, 2005, 9:43 am

I knew you would pau. ;) Heya nao.

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Mike "Fucking" VillarAwesome

"a Manila-based blogger made famous by his Atrocities of Friendster series, a regular feature he publishes on his blog where he mercilessly criticizes and mocks pictures of ugly people he stumbles upon on popular social networking site, Friendster. Although a lot of people are offended by what he writes, long-time readers of his blog regard him as a brilliant satire writer."

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