The eternal juxtaposition of soliloquies and caladryl

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

“To feel this great urge; to hold and embrace you .I slowly dry out.
I shrink and shrink until I’m gone; nothing to make out of me.
oh what the hell went wrong? my heart gets pulled out
into your direction. It’s no use, you have forsaken me.”
I sing with Anneke van Gierbsergen as her sullenly yearning voice wafted from the speakers of my car stereo.


“Seriously Mike, if you can sing the song so good, why don’t we just turn off the fucking stereo?” My friend Jay said bitingly.


“What’s
up with you dude?Are you PMSing or something?You’ve been a total dick
all day.” I said hitting him over the head with an empty water bottle.


“Oww!
Motherfucker! You want to know why? Because I can’t stand this shit
you’re listening to! It sounds too much like Evanescence and it’s
killing me.” He said trying to wrestle the bottle from my hand.


“Jesus!
Stop it! You’re going to get us both killed!” I say trying to keep the
car on the road and seize control of the bottle at the same time.


“And
you don’t know what you’re talking about dude. The Gathering is miles
above Evanescence in the sense that the former succeeds in delivering
haunting yet beautiful melodies using tepid female vocals that goes
along well with their heavier backdrop.Evanescence is just goth-pop
trash.”I added with a smug smile as the ten second water bottle
wrestling match reached its conclusion with me emerging victorious.


It
took a while for my last comment to sink in and make itself funny. Did
I just say that? Music reviews are generally funny, check out Amazon.com’s reviews
specifically on metal albums and you’ll see what I mean. Reviewers have
this habit of using phony, artsy-craftsy words to try and exude an aura
of being urbanely cultured. Check this one out:

Cryptic lyrics go well with the aura of
mystery painted by ethereal guitar lines and penetrating vocal melodies
of the title track, as well as the inconspicuous layer of stark
percussion which hides behind guitar and keys.[Insert song] is
interesting, juxtaposing the warmth of a mellow Hammond
organ and softly strummed guitars with a confrontational vocal backed
by a more aggressive arrangement on the chorus. [Insert song] is a
haunting piano ballad with [Insert vocalist’s name] voice bleeding onto
the floor in the prettiest way.

Now, where did you last hear the phrases “Bleeding onto the floor?”, “Juxtaposing the warmth?”, or “I am a screaming poseur?” Seriously, all of this comes off faker than wacko Jacko’s nose and worse than my Michael Jackson reference.

Update 5:44am:

I
just got back from Mickey D’s a while ago.  I got myself a Fillet
O’ Fish sandwich, large fries and large Coke.  I had to wait for
them to prepare my sandwich though so the asshat crew told me to have a
seat and they’d just bring it over.  There were a good 30 people
in the store and I got to thinking how they could possibly identify
whose order is which without giving out numbers.  I found
out.  These are the lessons I learned from Mickey D’s today:

1.  Fillet O’ Fish tastes like feces wiped off a pensioner’s ass

2.  I should bring extra change (takes them forever to break a hundred)

3.  I LOOK CUTE IN A BLACK JACKET

Posted by mikey at 1:16 AM | permalink

Previous Comments

I'd like to hear how a voice can "bleed onto the floor" … and so prettily at that, too. Does it gush like a gaping wound or does it trickle, I wonder.

just curious, hehe.

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Posted by Pau at July 20, 2005, 10:24 am

[2] Yep. And no, you can't have my jacket hehe

Posted by Mike at July 20, 2005, 2:20 pm

kaya nga I don't go to McDonald's anymore unless it's for their Sausage with Egg McMuffin, hot chocolate, timeless large fries, & another McMuffin to go, or a Quarter Pounder if I really have it bad.

Posted by abbee at July 20, 2005, 2:23 pm

hahaha! was the person on the counter a girl or a guy? maybe she/he's flirting w/ you. you should've given your phone number. or… did you check your change?

Posted by nikki at July 20, 2005, 11:44 pm

[5] Nikki, honestly, I can't remember. For humanity's sake I hope it's a girl. And yes, they gave me exact change and a lot of coins at that so I was ching chinging my way back to the office.

Abbee; Do you supersize those? ;)

Posted by mike at July 20, 2005, 11:52 pm

no I don't think we can make those bloat up like what we've horrendously seen in y'know where. but, oh, boy, would I want a WHOPPER of a Sausage McMuffin & a shitload of fries, haha.

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Mike "Fucking" VillarAwesome

"a Manila-based blogger made famous by his Atrocities of Friendster series, a regular feature he publishes on his blog where he mercilessly criticizes and mocks pictures of ugly people he stumbles upon on popular social networking site, Friendster. Although a lot of people are offended by what he writes, long-time readers of his blog regard him as a brilliant satire writer."

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