I
remember having a friend who was the picture of cool in all situations. Catch
him in a lie, run him into a serial killer, accuse him of sleeping with your
mom, and he’d just sit there with the same bleary smirk that could always be
interpreted in a couple million ways.

I believe
there’s a word for that—Imperturbable.

I got the
call around 1:00am; and when you’re trying to make the most out of your
recent emancipation from corporate slavery like I was, you tend not to
appreciate calls at this ungodly hour. I was squinting, my eyes trying to
adjust to the incredibly bright screen of my phone:

 – Villar, Ryan –

It was my
17 year old brother. And he has always been the harbinger of bad news for as
long as I can remember. I held the phone to my ear.

“Kuya, shit…” He said, sounding like he’s
about to break down into a sob anytime.

“What did
you manage to get yourself into this time you stupid fuck?” I said preempting
him.

“I swear
I didn’t do anything, Rocky got into a fight with this frat boy and Chester and
I were just trying to get them to stop but the cops brought us in too. I’m in Precinct
5 near Fairview wet market; kuya
please come now, they’re threatening to throw us in the can! I don’t want to
get thrown in that shit hole!” he said finally letting out a small sob.

“Motherfuck-baby
sheep-lord” I said in the rough English translation and I apologize to you
readers for that. You see, at times when I’m under duress, pressure or in this
case, extremely surprised; stupid flakey cusses have a tendency to fly out of
my mouth at breakneck speeds. I probably should keep a list because they can
really be hilarious. I remember a time when I stubbed my toe really hard on a
door frame and “Mother-shit-big-mouse-pussy-burger” was the first expletive to
come out. I don’t have the slightest idea as to what that means but at that
time I’m sure it translated to “Holy fuck that hurts like hell!”

So I guess I’m not ‘imperturbable’ like my friend. Au contraire, the weird indescribable
look on my face could probably be interpreted in three different ways, all of which
would be absolutely correct: How many people did you end up murdering? How many
Kilos of heroine were caught on you? Shit you have to get mad at him or
something! Wipe that stupid look on your face Mike and calm the fuck down.