run those Job suggestions over your slow, dense brain and try to
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guide to writing the perfect resume’.
of Technology; which is not in Massachusettes nor does it producee badly
groomed, barely sane physicists who are bound to invent a time machine)
called me up and basically whined about not being able to get a job. I
pity her, I really do. I mean I know some people who graduated from far less prestigious
colleges, ones that only require you to sleep through your classes, have
a clean car and money to buy tickets to your school’s next basketball game. That’s a hell lot easier as opposed to having to
reconstruct the Eiffel tower as your thesis isn’t it? I lost my point somewhere
back there but I think I was about to mention some people having a job that
gets paid thrice the median pay for an entry-level position. That’s
saying a lot since all they do is surf the internet, watch porn and
occasionally pick lint off the carpet using their tongues. Some people also own 3,082
hectares of virgin rain forest somewhere in South America but I
digress–What I’m really thinking of right now is how the hell did they do
it?
The unemployment rate in the country
is rather alarming and leads one to think that there is no God. Being the philanthropist that I am, I feel that it behooves me
to write a definitive guide for all the people who think that serving
fries over at McDonalds is the best thing since sliced bread; for all
the ignorant college graduates who think that being a rock star is a
career path that is worthy of their best efforts and for all the Taong
Grasas who think that applying grease all over their bodies and
carrying around random scraps of metal and human waste is cool and hip.
The opportunities are endless
One
needs to set aside any inhibitions and prejudice it has against the
government and the number of jobs available because let me tell you
something—There are enough jobs in the Philippines to provide employment to
the whole population of China and Bolivia combined. You just need to
open your
eyes to see that there are a lot of career paths just waiting
for you to discover. Below are a few examples:
Writing a resume’
Now the key to effective
resume’ writing is bullshit; you have to pad your resume with
irrelevant fillers and half truths. Your name plays a crucial role in bagging
the job, because believe it or not, companies are prejudiced when it
comes to your name. There are certain characteristics that are
associated with your name alone say for instance a Luzviminda is not as competent as a Nicole; or they would think that a generic name like Paul
would entail bad work ethics like sitting on the keyboard and eating
chiz curls while giggling like an Irish schoolgirl; a name like Michael exudes cuteness and intelligence for some reason though. Think of a competitive name for Chrissakes! Usually names like Jim Razor or Alice Turbo works
fine but the problem lies in having the supporting documents to match
your new name and you guessed it right; there’s only one trusted and
true solution for things that require intricate forgery—a place called Recto.
Yes, You heard me right people, Recto. The place where you could have
your entire identity forged. You can have the wonderful people there
come up with a transcript with flat 1’s as well as a diploma saying
that you’re from Princeton; and if that’s not enough you could have
them create memories of your fake college days through Adobe Photo
shop; have them make you a photograph of yourself getting your diploma,
shaking the dean’s hand or even a wild frat party; trust me on this one
people—Everything you need is in Recto, nuff said.
src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js">
Another
pertinent part of your resume’ is your Job experience. Take the liberty
of lying through your Job titles because trust me, “McDonald’s floor
sweeper” isn’t very appealing. By playing with words, you could
effectively come up with nifty, important-sounding titles that would
surely impress your potential employer and give your soul a sure ticket
to a dip in the fiery lakes of hell. By effectively using deep,
multi-syllabic words you could come up with nifty-sounding Job titles
like:
Sari-sari store attendant = Commodity resale director
Janitor = Toxic waste disposal supervisor
Security Guard = Vice President for Peace and orderliness
Secretary = Sensitive Data Encoding Officer
Or 26 year-old bum staying at home = Home logistics management specialist
Okay,
now that you have added a “few” details about yourself in you resume’,
the next step is picking the appropriate wardrobe for the Job Interview.
Wardrobe
Needless
to say, you need to put your best foot forward with regards to your
selection of the garb you’re gonna wear for your Job Interview. If
you’re planning to wear that fake, worn out Dickie’s shirt you’ve been
wearing for the past couple of days along with your tattered, torn and
muddy jeans that reeks of urine then obviously you’re not very bright.
You need a crash course in corporate fashion and I, the most
fashionable guy in the internet will take you to school baby.
1.) Wear corporate colors. These include orange, yellow and avocado green.
2.) Accessorize yourself. Employers are people too so they are
susceptible to the same hormonal biases when making a decision on who
to hire. Wear something that would slightly resemble an animal in
mating season. What usually work are peacock headdresses and cheetah
underwear.
3.) In conjunction with tip number 2, make sure that you’re wearing the
right scent. Expensive French perfume doesn’t cut it anymore nowadays
so you have to stick to the basics. Jovan Musk is a you-can’t-go-wrong
perfume that would surely knock out your potential employer
figuratively if not literally.
4.) Wear rubber shoes. Leather shoes would exude an aura of being
urbanely refined and thus, send the impression that you’re just there
to shag the secretary and exploit company resources like staplers,
punchers, potatoes, broadband internet, jackhammers and magic markers.
The BIG interview
Look
at yourself in the mirror and praise me because I’m a genius. I just gave you one of those instant makeovers that would give
the Queer Eye for the Straight guy peeps a run for their money. I mean
look at you, I changed you from the fashion victimized hillbilly that
you were to the suave, metrosexual corporate warrior that you are now.
Now comes the mother of all the big moments that are mothered—The Job
Interview. There are a few pointers to remember when you step into that
cramped little office where the interview’s gonna be conducted. The Job
interview is divided into 68 parts—parts one through sixty six is small
talk, part sixty seven is the part where they ask you stupid beauty
pageant type questions and part sixty eight is slightly small talk.
Also keep in mind that you only get one chance of getting a good first
impression because other chances at that would be second and third
impressions. I’m a funny guy har har har. Rather than explaining
the entire process, I’m just gonna give you an example of how a Job
Interview should go—MY Job interview:
Mr. Santos: Hi Mike! How are you doing today (offers his hand to shake)
Me: (spits at his outstretched hand) I’m not
here to play your stupid psycho-games; get on with it before I stuff a
pickle at every available orifice in your body.
Okay take note
that I sent out a message that I truly mean business and I’m a person
who doesn’t wanna waste time on trivial banter. Those, by themselves
are plus points already and I am more or less 87% hired already.
After
3,016 questions more relating to my treatment for substance abuse and
me being on parole for killing a department store clerk we finally arrived
to the part where he’s asking beauty pageant type questions. Now this
is a little bit tricky, so pay close attention and if you’re lucky,
you’d learn from me.
Mr. Santos: So Mike, it says here on your resume’ that you went to UP Diliman; is that right?
Me: Yes! Why would I lie about it? Why would I say I went to UP Diliman when in fact I went to PSBA? What would I gain from that?
Mr. Santos: Okay…so, what..
Me: For chrissakes I went to UP Diliman OKAY?!? All
the information you need is in that resume’ your holding with
your hand for crying out loud! You people should learn how to
fucking read for a change!
Mr. Santos: Okay I believe you…
Me: I FUCKING WENT TO UP DILIMAN!!! DO I HAVE TO HAUL
YOUR ASS TO THE PARKING LOT AND INFLICT PAIN OF INDESCRIBABLE
PROPORTIONS ON YOU BEFORE YOU FUCKING BELIEVE ME?!
Now that any
doubts of you not going to the university you claim you attended are
eliminated; and lawsuits for grave threat are about to be filed, more
beauty pageant type questions are up next.
Mr. Santos: So why do you wanna work here at Santos Telecom?
Me: Because I believe in the spirit of team work and I
believe that there is no “I” in team. I use the
crane management style which would efficiently allow my team members to
participate in the management process and me to go on unscheduled
breaks and drink coffee in the comfort room. (presenting management
potentials)
Mr. Santos: That’s good but…
Me: I also think that world peace is overrated and I
think that time is a circle that is repetitive of itself. The theory of
relativity was written by Albert Einstein when he was working as a
patent clerk in Germany. Some people like to put acid in their eyes
too! Hahaha! (proving that I have sense of humor and is knowledgeable
in current events.)
Mr. Santos: But the thing is…
Me: Shut the fuck up and listen you dolt!
Mr. Santos: (Calling secretary on the phone) Get security up here NOW.
Me: (grabs a cutter off the desk and slits his wrists) I’m bleeding! Help me!
And there you go. You got the job baby.
i'll try the peacock.the slit-thy-own-wrist tactic.very fight club.i like it.
Posted by golda at August 16, 2005, 11:49 pm[1] Bing: I'm the exception to the rule though.
Golda: Um, don't. wasn't the entire idea of fight club was to feel alive? You could DIE slitting your wrist. But of course you already knew that.
Posted by Anonymous at August 17, 2005, 1:12 amfat call center agent?! hmf. some actually lose weight ya know
you forgot going to the interview intoxicated. see, alcohol makes people braver hence they'd have a more confident manner of answering the interviewer's questions.
Bullshit. I remember you telling me before:
"P34CK0CKS 4R3 F0R F4GSS!!!11 L0L0L0L!!!!!!1 ALSO, C0CK!"
If I did, I retract that. P34CK0CK5 AER TEH L337 EVAR!
Posted by Anonymous at August 17, 2005, 6:04 pmTeehee. I made you say Cock.
Posted by Pau at August 17, 2005, 6:58 pmSecond, I can't believe how time you actually have on your hands for this kind of rhetoric!
I do enjoy the fancy names for jobs… like garbageman = sanitary waste engineer! 
[8] Oh dammit, yes, I must get back to work.
Posted by Anonymous at August 17, 2005, 9:52 pmLMAO. I'm pretty sure I read this before. Why would anyone complain about not having a job anyways? I don't. Nyahahahahah!
Posted by Miko Reznor at August 21, 2005, 7:15 pm[10] Miko: hehe. yep. Experiment Orange reruns anyone?
Posted by Anonymous at August 21, 2005, 9:30 pmyou forgot the oversized,orange and/or yellow FUBU polos..a must-have to make an impression.
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