The Command and Conquer series has got to be my
favorite games. Not only do they require you to have an analytic mind
and a trenchant sense of strategy but also tremendous amounts of
patience and about six reams of Lucky Strikes. What saddens me the most
is that the game’s developers, Westwood studios/EA Games has
deviated too much from the rudimentary elements of videogame warfare. The game
play suffers greatly from unrealistic “I-have-more-tanks-than-you”
type of strategy that players have to employ in order for them to
succeed in the campaigns and that’s not how wars are supposed to be won
ladies and gentlemen. Wars are won through exceptional training,
strategic planning and the right kind of “friends” won through clever
politicking and scheming; kinda like how alliances are formed, broken
up, formed again, broken up…ad infinitum in wrestling.
I think
I’m one of the few gamers left playing Command and Conquer these days;
the lure of games that allow you to roam freely in a city designed
specifically for the purpose of vandalizing, pointless killing,
crashing cars and hooking up with obese black prostitutes has proved to
be stronger than that of true mind games such as C&C. Seriously,
who gives a rat’s ass if IGN named Grand Theft Auto:San Andreas as 2004’s game of the year? Frankly, I think that this type of insipid game breeds children who grow up to be wannabe “thugs”
who believe that owning a big ass, penis-size-compensating gun makes
them real men; children who think that wearing oversized baggy pants
the size of giant sequoia trees make them “phat.” But let me tell you
something straightupp, ‘dawgs’, Playing GTA does not make you men, playing GTA is
not “phat”…it’s actually fucking lame. Real men are over 25 years old, play Command and Conquer and still live with their parents.
Given
the glaring faults in the game play of the more recent games under the
Command and Conquer franchise, I have written a proposal for a new
Command and Conquer game that I will send to the people over at EA
Games. I’ve
conceptualized my game with the C&C Generals engine in mind. The setting would be the events that unfold during the Joint US/UK military incursion in Iraq called: OPERATION IRAQI freedom. It will attempt to tweak all the flaws in C&C’s game play and put in as much realism to it as possible.
This expansion pack my friends would revive the fast dying game
that is Command and Conquer and elevate it to the status of legendary
greatness it truly deserves. Here it goes:
know i won’t live for long. ill be dead by the time im in my 50’s. in
fact, if there was any other time i would have been dead in the past, a
while ago would be it.
it is funny what
traffic can make you think. junjun, my two-month driver, taught me the
art of defensive driving. i must, in all cases, obey traffic rules. it
is ironic that it is of this principle that i almost got into a
what-could-possibly-be a nasty car accident this morning. the fucking
traffic light turned red all of the sudden. it fucking did! and so i
fucking stepped on the car brakes. the middle-aged man who was driving
a pretty old sedan behind me almost died of heart attack. his car’s
tires screeched, giving a girlish, titillating sound as the front edge
of his car kissed the ass of mine.
there
is one thing i learned when i started driving, though. the road is easy
on you when you are a girl. when he passed me by, he gave me a long,
lingering glare and sped off. the innocent, no-inkling expression on my
face probably killed his urge to shout and make a fuss.
i
went back home, changed into my old, homey clothes and for the first
time since two and a half years ago, i washed my car. a few hundred
meters away and 30 minutes after nine am on a tuesday, makati starts
building up a traffic.
i was oblivious.
to the fact that i should have been in my laguna office by that time.
to the fact that i almost got into a car accident in the heart of
makati city and without a valid driver’s license. to the fact that i
should have been cleaning the mess in my life right now rather than the
one-day old dirt on my car.
for that one-good helluva moment, it felt great to be alive.
out tonight.” The little girl peering through the gate says dismissively. She wipes
a smear of chocolate from her mouth and takes another bite from the bar of Nestle
crunch in her hand.
I stood in front of this house in Santa Mesa Heights face to face with
the enemy and surprisingly, I have met my match in this five year old girl
wearing a Spongebob squarepants shirt. In the past, I have squared off with
older brothers, shot the crap with crabby fathers while withstanding “Don’t
even think about fucking my daughter” looks darted at me. But five year old
little girls? Jesus, this could get messy.
“Oh really? Why not?” I ask flashing a smile that teeters between sarcastic
and threatening.
The little girl just stands there and mulls over the situation. She
filches glances at my Red Civic parked across the street and bites off another
block from her chocolate bar.
“Ampanget ng kotse mo eh.” She
said casually.
I find her answer really funny; I mean motherfucker, this kid’s a blast.
If she doesn’t puff out from chocolate overload by the time she turns eighteen,
man oh man, her panty is going to be hard to get into.
“Tell you what, what if I give you this; do you think ate would go out with me?” I said
holding a bag of Hershey’s cookies and cream nuggets.
fingers on her shirt; she’s actually considering my proposal. The cogwheels
inside her sugar-rushed five year-old brain are ticking—“More chocolates, ugly ’99
civic, chubby guy wearing a muscle shirt that looks awful on him, weird looking
hair due to hair wax applied a little too liberally. He smells funky too, is
that Fahrenheit? Hmmm, this could work!” She takes the bag of chocolates
through an opening between the bars of the gate and shifts her glance back to
the open door behind her.
“Ate Kat!? There’s someone
looking for you!” She called out.
“Kara! Who’s there?” A
voice yells back from somewhere inside the house.
Kara opens the gate and
rushes back into the house leaving the front door open. I step into the yard and
stood in front of the already open door which feels really weird. A whiff of
the ‘Home aroma’ greets me. I don’t know if anybody else notices this but every
house has this unique scent going on. Don’t laugh but I actually wrote a term
paper on this subject for my social science class back in UERM. I couldn’t
remember why, but being the notorious procrastinator that I am, I probably
wrote it with alcohol and marijuana from a weekend party holding my hand. My
professor, Dr. Caguisano gave me a flat 1 with a really nice comment written
below the last page: “Stop doing drugs. And stop masturbating in the fire exit
during lunch time.”
[Notice: I.PH will be down today, September 22, 2005 from 9:00pm to 5:00am Manila time for maintenance.]
been receiving messages asking me what the deal was with my last entry.
Well, I’d really rather not to talk about it as I would like to get
back to regular programing (read: writing about masturbation and
penises). It was a terrible shame; let’s leave it at that.
At
first, I thought that leaving out the sad details was poor judgment on
my part because fact of the matter is, what may be ‘terrible’ to one
person; namely one Michael Joseph Villar, male, single, 23 years of
age, Internet professional, overweight and has dark underarms; might be
nothing compared to people in far worse predicaments.
However, I found out lately that a lot of my friends actually read
my blog. So I thought fuck that. By writing the details of how me and
my now good friend Nixie ‘broke up’, one can easily be led to the
conclusion that I’m much more of a chump than I really am. –Cough– Failure to –Cough– consummate –Cough– the relationship.
So what’s up with my life you ask? I feel like I’m obliged to play
catch up here and I promise I would; but I really don’t know where to
start since the weekend was a total fucking drunken haze. The last
cognizant memory I have was from Sunday where one of my college buds
hosted some sort of reunion over at his house somewhere in the
boondocks of Antipolo. I have my apprehensions in going to college
reunions mainly because of the “What are you doing” question. I mean,
considering that most of the people in the party attended UERM for a
pre-medical course, I’ve come to expect that most of them would already
be doctors or at least in their senior year. I imagine myself
approaching my good bud Carlo and having a conversation along these
lines:
Me: “Hey Carlo! Boy, I can’t believe it’s been that
long since we’ve eaten siopao while dissecting cats in comparative
anatomy man! So are you still in med school?”
Carlo: “Hey Mike! … Oh my … damn, you’ve gained a
lot of weight man. Do you ever stand in front of the mirror naked and
wonder how anyone could possibly love you?”
Me: “huh?”
Carlo: “Err.. nothing, forget it. Well, I just
graduated last year, I’m migrating to New York to study cardiology
there. How about you, what are you doing man?”
Me: “Um. I call random people and sell them blogs.”
Carlo: “What’s a blog?”
Me: “It’s like an online journal. Um you can post stuff on the internet, it’s kinda cool.”
Carlo: “That is so lame.”
Me: “Yes it is.”
Carlo: “Like really really lame man.”
Me: “Yeah. But mine is kinda neat because it has RSS feeds.”
It’s
odd how feelings linger for something yet unseen. There’s ages between
my heart and my mouth; my veins throb with that which I can’t spit out.
I
searched your eyes for an answer, and shuddered at what I found there.
My skin shrunk away from conclusion that you lack the strength…to
care.
Thanks Nix. For everything. Thanks for letting me walk away.
Look at the bright side, at least we’re not spontaneously combusting: Lambe - Pardon me (Interpretation) [1.45mb mp3 file]
Mike "Fucking" Villar
"a Manila-based blogger made famous by his Atrocities of Friendster series, a regular feature he publishes on his blog where he mercilessly criticizes and mocks pictures of ugly people he stumbles upon on popular social networking site, Friendster. Although a lot of people are offended by what he writes, long-time readers of his blog regard him as a brilliant satire writer."
-Taken from my WikiBios page
