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Moisturizer

Saturday, September 10, 2005

One thing you have to know about me is that I sweat like a
motherfucker. I mean there are people who sweat in the “sporadic drops of sweat
in the forehead” sense, but when I say I sweat, I mean it in the “Oh my god!
That guy’s shirt is drenched! I bet he has dark underarms!” kind of way.

The cheap moisturizer I put on my face this morning didn’t
help my case either. You see, I had to barrel to the office today to get my
paycheck and have it encashed in the bank before it closes at three
o’clock
in the afternoon. I got in the office sometime around 2:45
pm, got
my check and traipsed up Emerald Avenue to where Standard Chartered bank
is. It wasn’t a long walk actually; just something like half a block but if
typing this paragraph alone is enough to make me sweat like a bitch already,
you could just imagine the dank, sticky, moisturizer disaster of a snowflake I
managed to turn myself into. So Hortaleza, whoever you are, fuck you; I’m not
buying moisturizer from you ever again. Bitch

Being that I have been overweight since I was 3 months
old, I have learned to live with my exorbitantly profuse sweating. Exorbitantly
profuse? Isn’t that redundantly redundant? I digress. As I was saying, I have
lived with my sweating long enough for me to make it my friend. We take long
walks at the park together, frolic in fields of daisies together, molest ten
year old school boys together; that sort of thing. There are some instances though
when I want sweat to just leave me the fuck alone. One such instance is when I
have these close encounters with really attractive women.

Me and my colleague Pete
have been talking about ‘Helpful Comments’ people offer to you in galling
commiseration. You know when people say stuff like “Man, you’re going to fail this
course. Tsk tsk. An entire semester wasted.” After seeing your failing midterm
examination grade? That’s a ‘helpful comment.’ I don’t know if anybody else
realizes this but more often than not, attractive women have a strong
inclination to offering comments like these.

So I walk into the bank sweating like a bitch, my face
agleam like a spit-shined shoe, and I had this post-coital panting going on from
the grueling one hundred meter walk. I approached the counter with my check and
the lady behind the counter was like “Grabe
yung pawis nyo sir! Okay lang kayo gusto nyo ng tubig?” ugh! Fuck it all to
hell.

Now, to say that the teller behind the counter of the bank
was attractive would be the understatement of the year. She was attractive and
had a nice pair of boozles. I walk up to her and she flashed a smile that
caused something to throb and rearrange under my pants.

“Um Michael did you hear me? I was asking you if you could
write your name, address and telephone number on the back of the check?” She
said still smiling.

Apparently I didn’t hear her the first time around
probably because I was either:

a.) Standing there with a sheepish look on my face,
looking at my shoes a lot, and muttering sexually suggestive things like: “The
princess is in another castle!”

b.) Reaching down my pants to shift to neutral.

c.) Picturing me and her in a threesome with Long Mejia.

d.) All of the above

“Here you go Michael, two thousand seven hundred seventy
three pesos. Thank you for banking with us. And please stop rubbing your
crotch, that’s gross.” She said after she handed me my money.

Damn she was hot.

Posted by mikey at 12:55 PM | permalink

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