The Gentleman’s guide to work-related excuses

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Every single day I feel
this; the harrowing feeling that goes with the knowledge that you’re about to
do something wrong. I don’t want to do it. But some remorseless, cruel force is
compelling me. It’s telling me to rise from my otherwise peaceful slumber. It’s
slowly chewing away at what remains of my tired battered body. It’s slowly
killing me.

The vitriolic whisper
commands me to get up and tells me that everybody else is doing it and I should
too. I try to fight it but it’s too late, it has already sunk its vindictive
talons on my mortal flesh. It mockingly tells me to suck it up, be a man and
let it have its way with me. So I wake up and under much resentment, I do it
again: I go to work.

I’m sorry for the literary
masturbation but you get the point. I mean, wouldn’t it be nice not to dread
your morning commute to work? To find employment both exciting and gratifying
that the mere thought of all the work that’s going to swamp you once you get in
is enough to boost you out of bed, eager to face the day?Unfortunately the bleak reality of the
situation is that most employees start the workday already counting down the
seconds until its conclusion.

What I usually do to get
over this bind is get high on shabu, go to work, beat off in the john while
looking at pictures of Bentong, sit down in front of my work station and have
IM conversations like these:

(00:18:57) Mike: When did you have your period again? *holds a marker
in front of a calendar ready to write* do you have it regularly?
(00:19:15) Shelly: where the fuck is this leading?
(00:19:42) Mike: Well I’m just marking the days when your bitchiness
is excusable.
(00:20:09) Shelly: Mikey if you ever get hurt with the things i say
just let me know
(00:20:37) Mike: my patience compensates for my penis size, don’t
worry.
(00:21:32) Shelly: is there not a day wherein your penis is not a
subject of our conversation?
(00:22:23) Mike: PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS
PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS
PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS
PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS
(00:23:01) Shelly: you
(00:23:02) Shelly: are
(00:23:04) Shelly: so
(00:23:05) Shelly: very
(00:23:06) Shelly: nuts

But there are days when
lethargy can be too much of an obstacle to overcome and these are the days when
I like spending some quality time away from the office. I do this by:

a. Leaving Early.

b. Coming in late.

c. or not coming in at all.

As a rule of thumb, leaving
early requires one to have a solid, non-compromisable commitment. Coming in
late, on the other hand, is best explained in a manner that says that you’ve
been caught up in a situation beyond your control. Allow me, ATTY. Michael
Joseph Villar PhD MD DDS RSVP, to give you a definitive guide to my top three work-related
excuses and how to make them work for you.

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