No Doubt = Gayness « Mike Villar: Rising Internet Star

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No Doubt = Gayness

Friday, September 16, 2005

Everyday
at around 2 PM, you can find me driving up Katipunan Avenue in my red
Civic heading southbound on my way to work. This is the route I take
every afternoon and it’s delightfully predictable. Thanks to the major
colleges situated along Katipunan, traffic gets considerably thick
during this hour but it usually inches along at 40kph or so and it gets
me where I’m going in time. What I usually do is hop into the right
lane, speed past Ateneo up the flyover, put the can of mountain dew I’m
taking a swig at on the beverage holder below the dash and settle in
for the laid-back five minute drive to the Boni-Katipunan intersection.
This is one particular routine of my day that I absolutely love.

When I’ve had ample
sleep, I usually remember five things that slipped my mind the day
before and I’ll usually end up with about ten ideas for things I want
to write. Now this may sound hokey, but I really look forward to these
fifteen minutes of traffic because aside from the infrequent
distraction offered by messages sent to my phone by my mobile carrier
(Enjoy UNLIMITED 10 min. VOICE CALLS fr 11pm-6am for 7 days! Simply
register to the 258 Call Reload promo!), it buys me time to gather up
pieces of my brain, which is usually sprawled all over the place,
before I face another day of corporate plodding.

Anyway, today I was
driving along, lost in dreamy thoughts involving a mutant chick with
three grotesquely disfigured arms, a cucumber and my ass. I’m also
listening to No Doubt’s album ‘The singles 1992-2003′ while maintaining
a safe distance between my car and the car ahead of me when all of a
sudden, I caught a glimpse of an SUV in my rear view mirror. The
fucking idiot was changing lanes like he had an urgently huge turd up
his ass that badly needed to clog a toilet. He was moving up the road,
overtaking five cars at a time in a way that anybody could see was
getting him nowhere. He weaved in and out of the lane a couple of more
times and to my surprise, he was now right behind me, trailing my
bumper with only a few inches to spare.

I wasn’t surprised when
I looked back in my rear view mirror to find out that the mentally
defective jerk who was driving the SUV was actually a jerkette.
She’s one of those kikay college girl types which makes her all the
more dangerous. She’s the type of girl whose numerous exposure to
designer-drug inducing parties and horrible trance music has left her
sphere of attention confined to whatever is going on in her severely
damaged brain. I mean, the fact that she didn’t pay for her own car or
let alone, its insurance doubles the belligerence of her driving. If
she totals daddy’s limited edition Ford Expedition into a lamp post,
she can just waltz her way into a showroom and get a new one on her
Platinum Visa credit card.

She was
pretty young, I’d say around twenty years old, she kinda looked like
Ashley Simpson with the bangs and all. She maintains her skin well
aside from the few freckles she has on her nose. I could see all of
this in close detail because she was riding my bumper so close she
might as well have been talking to me right from my back seat.

“Did
you crash that Paul Van Dyke gig a couple of months ago at the fort?”
She would ask me in an annoying giggly catholic school girl voice if
she were in my car.

“I
don’t think so. I was probably home drinking beer, listening to
Staind’s ‘it’s been awhile’ while jacking off furiously. Now, unless
you’re gonna sleep with me, get off my car, and take all your sequins
with you.” I would’ve said.

She pulls up beside me and I looked
right into her eyes, which basing on my experience, is a fairly good
strategy when someone’s being an asshole on the road because if there’s
one thing I learned in my seven years of driving, it has
to be that people think that their cars are some sort of costume they
can use to conceal their bad driving habits. Initiating eye contact
tells them that you see through their disguise and you’re pissed and
could beat them up rather bad. It usually works for me; It usually
elicits an innocent shrug kinda like saying “Hey it wasn’t me who
almost drove you into that island bud, it was my Pajero.” or “I’m not
evil, my car is. I’m your friend man, you can have my lane man, come
on.”

We reached the Boni-Katipunan
intersection where a traffic enforcer stops us to let the traffic
coming from Eastwood pass. I’m going to put on my ‘I see you move’ but
I realized that she was quite hot, she just finished talking on her
silver clamshell phone and she had this rather disarming smile going
on. I’m weighing my options and I finally decided to put my game and
moves on.

So, I rolled down my windows and lit a cigarette. Gwen Stefani’s voice wafted from the speakers at full blast. “Take this pink ribbon off my eyes, I’m exposed and it’s no big surprise … I’m just a girl all pretty and petite…”

Her SUV was a good two feet higher than my car so she can pretty much see into my car with no problem. “I’m just a girl, living it captivity, your rule of thumb makes me worry some.” I
had this little jig going on kinda like what Chris Tucker had in Rush
Hour, moving my head from side to side like an idiot. Unbeknown to me,
a little theme was developing amid all these. What’s up with the lip
gloss that rolled out of my leather vanity bag? What about the gayish
way I’m holding and tapping on my cigarette with my left hand? And
Jesus Christ, what the fuck am I doing stroking the stick up and down
with my right hand while sensually mouthing the lyrics of an
ultra-feminist No Doubt song? “I’m just a girl, lucky of me, twiddle-dum there’s no comparison…”

I
fumbled with the controls of my car stereo to eject the CD and switch
to a local radio station but it was too late. The traffic enforcer
motioned us to move along and the girl had this sharp grimace on her
face to show her utter disgust.

“Maybe it’s wrong to say please love me too, cause I know you never…” Offered the local radio station in sympathy.

Posted by mikey at 8:56 PM | permalink

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