Home » Post Item » Yup. They don’t make videogames like they used to.

Yup. They don’t make videogames like they used to.

Friday, September 30, 2005

The Command and Conquer series has got to be my
favorite games. Not only do they require you to have an analytic mind
and a trenchant sense of strategy but also tremendous amounts of
patience and about six reams of Lucky Strikes. What saddens me the most
is that the game’s developers, Westwood studios/EA Games has
deviated too much from the rudimentary elements of videogame warfare. The game
play suffers greatly from unrealistic “I-have-more-tanks-than-you”
type of strategy that players have to employ in order for them to
succeed in the campaigns and that’s not how wars are supposed to be won
ladies and gentlemen. Wars are won through exceptional training,
strategic planning and the right kind of “friends” won through clever
politicking and scheming; kinda like how alliances are formed, broken
up, formed again, broken up…ad infinitum in wrestling.

I think
I’m one of the few gamers left playing Command and Conquer these days;
the lure of games that allow you to roam freely in a city designed
specifically for the purpose of vandalizing, pointless killing,
crashing cars and hooking up with obese black prostitutes has proved to
be stronger than that of true mind games such as C&C. Seriously,
who gives a rat’s ass if IGN named Grand Theft Auto:San Andreas as 2004’s game of the year? Frankly, I think that this type of insipid game breeds children who grow up to be wannabe “thugs”
who believe that owning a big ass, penis-size-compensating gun makes
them real men; children who think that wearing oversized baggy pants
the size of giant sequoia trees make them “phat.” But let me tell you
something straightupp, ‘dawgs’, Playing GTA does not make you men, playing GTA is
not “phat”…it’s actually fucking lame. Real men are over 25 years old, play Command and Conquer and still live with their parents.

Given
the glaring faults in the game play of the more recent games under the
Command and Conquer franchise, I have written a proposal for a new
Command and Conquer game that I will send to the people over at EA
Games. I’ve
conceptualized my game with the C&C Generals engine in mind. The setting would be the events that unfold during the Joint US/UK military incursion in Iraq called: OPERATION IRAQI freedom. It will attempt to tweak all the flaws in C&C’s game play and put in as much realism to it as possible.


This expansion pack my friends would revive the fast dying game
that is Command and Conquer and elevate it to the status of legendary
greatness it truly deserves. Here it goes:


New Units


Special Forces

US Navy SEALs

The US Navy SEALs hold the distinction for being the men who endured
months of the military’s most gruelling training programs in exchange
for Holiday Ham; Come on we’ve all seen the movies and we all
know that a team of 6 Navy SEALs can HALO (High Altitude Low Opening)
jump over Beijing, kill everyone in China and be gone before the echo
fades. Hooyah!

Pros: Can perform surgical strikes anywhere around the world and they have the ability to transform into Centaurs.
Cons: They tend to turn on each other for food. SEALs are known to be cannibalistic.


Iraqi Republican Guards

The Republican Guards guard the republic and make sure that all Iraqis
construct an altar in their homes with a really huge-ass poster of
Saddam Hussein.

Pros: +1 Strength every July and +3 on dexterity during Ramadan; invulnerable to ice and fire attacks.

Cons:
Every once in a while Republican Guards tend to become excessively
complacent and would comment on how “Americans can’t shoot for shit”
and they’d proceed to hibernate for 2 decades


Armor

M1 Abrams Tank

The M1 Abrams is America’s main battle tank; it’s manufactured by
General Motors and as you would come to expect with any american vehicle,
it’s a bad mother and although its exterior looks horrible, it’s a mean
fighting machine with 120mm cannons that’s sure to give Allah’s minions
a headache. And STD. Sometimes.

Pros: 120mm Cannons, a 50 cal machine gun, a 7.62 M240 machine gun, a mini bar and a jacuzzi.

Cons: With
a maximum governed speed of 45mph it could easily be taken out by
Rocket Propelled Grenades or Iraqi suicide bombers riding a Bike.

Dino Riders Triceratops

With a show of sheer ingenuity and a genuine concern for mother nature,
the Iraqis “harnessed the power of dinosaurs” to contest America’s
armored cavalry.

Pros: Twin-mounted big-ass laser guns and rocket pods.

Cons: Triceratopses
are indeed environment friendly and don’t need oil to run; they just
need trees and other vegetation to function. However, Triceratopses
evolved through time and to adapt to the scarcity of vegetation in
Iraq, these Dinos eat humans instead and without the proper care they
would turn against their crew and eat them. This brings the life
expectancy of Iraqi Triceratops crews down to 12 minutes.

Iraqi Tesla Tank

The Iraqis got the awesome technology of the tesla coil from the
russians in exchange for 300 arab women and crates upon crates of fake
vodka. Not much is known about the Tesla Tank only that it is capable
of discharging bolts of electricity enough to power Hawaii for a
century.


Naval Warfare

Aircraft Carriers
Aircraft Carriers are virtually floating cities; they’re capable of
destroying the earth 20x over and not feel sorry about it. Just a
little bad but not sorry.

Pros: With
a complement of roughly a hundred aircraft, the Aircraft Carriers are
capable of sending out sorties every fucking minute giving it the
privileged distinction of being the most expensive man-made thing on
the planet with the exception of the Terminator T1000

Cons:
Dolphins tend to  get tangled up in carriers’ gigantic propellers causing
carriers to be stranded, drown and reincarnate as a
useless ghost ship.

The lochness monster

Not much is known about the Loch Ness monster either. Just that legend
has it that it eats Aircraft Carriers for breakfast and Hash browns for
lunch.


Aerial warfare

The F18 hornet

I don’t feel like discussing the F18 hornet because it’s a horrible
piece of machinery and a terrible misallocation of funds and
manpower. Plus it looks like a penis. My penis at least.

The Pterodactyl

The pterodactyl is a fire breathing dragon capable of achieving super sonic speeds.

Pros: Speed, agility, ease of handling and a lifetime service guarantee.

Cons: The crew riding piggy back on the pterodactyl at supersonic speeds isn’t such a great idea.

Special/Unconventional Warfare

Chuck Norris

The UN filed a resolution restricting the United States to use Chuck
Norris only on circumstances wherein global security is compromised. He
is one of the reasons why nobody dares to mess with the US of A save from occasional loons like Bin Laden and Saddam Hussein.

Pros: Can
infiltrate ANY military installation without being detected, break
every personnel’s neck using a combination of Judo, Tae Kwon Do and
some other weird oriental martial art. He only requires a talent fee of
$20 and a cardboard box where he could spend the night.

Cons: Can’t act.

 
The Chronosphere

Not much is known
about the chronosphere too only that it eats school buses full of children.

Posted by mikey at 10:18 PM | permalink

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