Home » Post Item » An open letter to the Hale guy

An open letter to the Hale guy

Wednesday, October 5, 2005

Dear Hale guy,

I want you to know
how much I wish for you to contract genital herpes and die a slow
painful death involving a Frisbee and your esophagus for your song ‘The day you said goodnight’.
On second thought, I don’t want you to die because that’d be copping
out. I mean considering you sicced this song on the world like the
ugliest, most rabid, idiocy-inflicting pit bull there is; the
encumbrance of making this abominable piece of music go away is on you.

I don’t know how you’d do it Hale guy but please, just do it.
Go to every record store, purchase all the copies of your album you can
find and throw them all into a furnace. Show up on talk shows and say
some really stupid things like how much you support ethnic cleansing or
how much you fantasize about sodomizing little kittens; do this until
you are shunned by even your most ardent fans. Create a chronosphere,
go back in time and just fucking unwrite the song. Just make it stop, please,I beg of you.

It’s
been more than three months since your single, the day you said
goodnight enjoyed considerable airplay, rode the top of the charts
and yet I still hear that palling intro riff seep out of the radio an
average of five times a day, and I, sir, am sick of it. So sick of it
in fact that I am in the brink of committing some really nasty
homicides whenever I hear it.

But
even in light of this atrocity you have created, I somehow feel sorry
for you as I could imagine that it’s even worse for you, Hale guy. I
mean you probably have to go up on stage and sing this terribly written
song seven days a week in front of lovestruck fan girls who wet
themselves in secret places just seeing you, I mean never mind the fact
that your eyes are about three feet too far apart from each other, they
love you nonetheless. But every night, you go home, sit down, light
little candles, and cry while you puke all over the place thinking of
how bad your song is. You know deep inside that it’s horrible. You came
up with the words while surfing the net for naked pictures of Charles
Bronson and almost didn’t
scribble it down on your little notebook. You felt like it sounded fake
and puerile, which it is, but you wrote it down anyway. You feel the
guilt, you feel as if you’ve pulled down a veil of lies over the
masses’ eyes and sooner or later they’re going to snap out of it and
say “Hey, I only realized this now but this song is as irritating as a
grain of rock salt on my genitals and has about the same complexity as
a can of rocks. Oh and did you notice how that Hale guy’s eyes are set
too far apart each other? Fucking creepy.”


I hope this song
turns into a flesh eating monster with tendrils that will strangle you
and kill you in your sleep. So Hale guy, I never want to hear your
stupid song again, I never want to see your freaky face on TV again and
most of all I never want to receive any text messages from you
beginning with the words ‘I miss you baby’ or any combination thereof
again.


Sincerely yours,
Michael Villar

Posted by mikey at 9:34 PM | permalink

Previous Comments

we were just contemplating about the vapid and wtf-ing (when you hear it you go "what the…") lyrics of some local songs, and this song just about tops the list.siguro kung taon ng eleksyon ngayon, may campaign jingle na ganto ung tono.

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The star

Mike "Fucking" VillarAwesome

"a Manila-based blogger made famous by his Atrocities of Friendster series, a regular feature he publishes on his blog where he mercilessly criticizes and mocks pictures of ugly people he stumbles upon on popular social networking site, Friendster. Although a lot of people are offended by what he writes, long-time readers of his blog regard him as a brilliant satire writer."

-Taken from my WikiBios page

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