Joyce, my bird and reader e-mails « Mike Villar: Rising Internet Star

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Joyce, my bird and reader e-mails

Friday, October 7, 2005

You know how some people have weird
toilet habits? Well I have a REALLY fucking weird one: when I take a
leak, I don’t unbuckle my belt and unbutton my pants; I just pull down
my zipper and whip out my bird (henceforth referred to as Joyce). Now
Joyce maybe less than an inch long hard and
about as big around as a pencil but forcing it through the serrated
opening of an unzipped fly still hurts. I am lazy like that so sue me.
Asshole.

Suffice it to say that Joyce, in all her lilliputian glory, can be
quite uncontrollable when not harnessed by strong,
capable hands. She tends to shoot urine wildly in every direction like
the most amazing, berserk vietnam war veteran in the world. She does
this quite indiscriminately too, as she did a while ago by shooting
upward and creating a wet blotch on my blue shirt. She also thought it
funny to squirt a few more drops as I wrestled her back into my tighty
whities therefore creating another small, albeit disgusting splotch on
my gray pants.

Now I’ve learned some pretty important lessons from this experience:

Smoking while taking a leak is not a good idea.
Having a cigarette on your left hand and a coffee mug on your right WHILE taking a leak is definitely not a good idea.
Running
into a cute girl from the production company next door with your shirt
and the crotch part of your pants drenched in urine is not fucking
good.
Saying something retarded like “Hi miss beautiful” to redeem yourself is just. plain. STUPID.

Now Joyce, baby, you know I love you;
but it’s things like this that make me wish that you’d just wither
and fall off. Bitch.

Ever since I realized how much I hate all of you and disabled
commenting on my blog, I have received a deluge (four to be exact) of
emails ranging from people who sell cheap viagra to assholes who want
me to do them favors:

Subject: Help
From: Jason Domingo <xxxx@yahoo.com>
To: Mike Villar <mike.villar@gmail.com>
Date: 10/05/05 08:42pm

May kakilala ka ba sa teletech? baka pede mo me

matulungan dun makapasok! txt mo na lang sa kin 09176406xxx

ok!! thanx!!

Jason, unless you’re a girl who would fellate me while hacking my arm
with a machete, why would I even bother helping you? I mean come on
man, I have enough work on my plate as is and you come up to me and ask
me to help you find a job? How inconsiderate of you.

On second thought, maybe this is a good time to score some good karma
points considering I’d probably be fired a few days from now when my
boss finds out that I have a pending warrant of arrest for killing a
little girl with my bare hands last year.

So Jason, brother, I have a job waiting for you–now. Clean my car; and
after you’re done massage my scalp and tell me how I look like Jao Mapa.

Anyway, I also receive email from women or whatever the hell Anne is (Just kidding anne! I wuv you)

Subject: (no subject)
From: Anne xxxx xxxx <xxxx@gmail.com>
To: Mike Villar <mike.villar@gmail.com>
Date: 10/05/05 10:26am

don’t know if i’ve emailed you before…but just to let u know, i’ve
linked you…
read ur entries and i’ve to admit i get a little frustrated that i
can’t put in a comment…hehehe… mga lalaki tlaga! nyway…u write
good..very candid..

Thanks
for your email Anne! ‘preciate it! And Jason, are you reading this?
THIS is how you should write me and get favors done. Learn to stroke my
ego into an eternal orgasm for chrissakes.

Posted by mikey at 12:20 AM | permalink

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