Don’t be an Asshole, give love on Christmas Day

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Kids.
Aren’t they adorable? They say the cutest, most unexpected things, they
pick their noses and wipe it off on linen or under the table and they
masturbate in their rooms without locking the door.
I am a very
idealistic man and sometimes, I love to sit down and just pretend that
all the children in the world have access to primary education,
designer drugs and cheap whiskey for these are vital prerequisites for
combating poverty, empowering women, protecting children from hazardous
and exploitative labor, sexual abuse, and preventing them from becoming
intellectually deficient apes that most adults are today.

Sadly
however, the world is not a big can of peaches and children do not have
access to most, if not all, the vital prerequisites that I have
enumerated. It deeply saddens me to look outside the window and see
children playing with metal scraps, children eating worms and children
eating children. I have had enough of this and I decided to step up and
do something drastic. I will be the catalyst in the eradication of
child poverty and people will look up to me because of that, they will
praise me, and women would willingly have sex with me without me having
to pay them.

Last Christmas, me and my friend Mark had a little
outreach program which aimed to spread the Christmas cheers to street
children. We bunched up poor kids from around the neighborhood and
ushered them into an empty warehouse we rented for our program.
After
a hearty dinner, a motivational speech and an hour of cheek-pinching,
cuddling and a little karaoke session, We decided to proceed with the
fun activities we had in store for the little children.

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