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Don’t be an Asshole, give love on Christmas Day

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Kids.
Aren’t they adorable? They say the cutest, most unexpected things, they
pick their noses and wipe it off on linen or under the table and they
masturbate in their rooms without locking the door.
I am a very
idealistic man and sometimes, I love to sit down and just pretend that
all the children in the world have access to primary education,
designer drugs and cheap whiskey for these are vital prerequisites for
combating poverty, empowering women, protecting children from hazardous
and exploitative labor, sexual abuse, and preventing them from becoming
intellectually deficient apes that most adults are today.

Sadly
however, the world is not a big can of peaches and children do not have
access to most, if not all, the vital prerequisites that I have
enumerated. It deeply saddens me to look outside the window and see
children playing with metal scraps, children eating worms and children
eating children. I have had enough of this and I decided to step up and
do something drastic. I will be the catalyst in the eradication of
child poverty and people will look up to me because of that, they will
praise me, and women would willingly have sex with me without me having
to pay them.

Last Christmas, me and my friend Mark had a little
outreach program which aimed to spread the Christmas cheers to street
children. We bunched up poor kids from around the neighborhood and
ushered them into an empty warehouse we rented for our program.
After
a hearty dinner, a motivational speech and an hour of cheek-pinching,
cuddling and a little karaoke session, We decided to proceed with the
fun activities we had in store for the little children.

Fun with comparative anatomy!

Me
and Mark were classmates in pre-med and I must say that we both enjoyed
our comparative anatomy lessons. You might be thinking that we’re the
biggest, geekiest losers on the internet but you are sadly mistaken my
friend. We only liked anatomy because we took pleasure in dissecting
cats, frogs, baby sharks, chickens and ET-like aliens. With this
activity we’re gonna try and convince kids that you can definitely
learn while having fun!Anyway, what we did was bring in a cute fuzzy
rabbit into the room amidst the collective “awwing” of the kids. We
started with a little feeding session where we allowed our young
friends to feed the rabbit with shredded cabbage and some worms. After
that, we forced one of the kids to nail the rabbit to the floor by
threatening to inflict serious physical injuries on him using a
telephone. He didn’t have any choice, so he obeyed.What ensued next was
sheer joy both to us and the little kids, we took turns in using a
scalpel to peel the skin off the rabbit! It was so much fun! Some of
the kids were even crying in sheer joy! Then after we exposed the
muscles, me and Mark showed off our superior knowledge in comparative
anatomy by pointing out muscles such as the gastrocnemius, the serrato
ventralis and Rhomboidius capitis muscles. There was this kid who kinda
fell asleep during our exciting lecture so we made him use the rabbit’s
blood as war paint and made him paint his skin and run up and down the
stair case for 90 minutes screaming out war cries. After our lecture
ended, we threw the rabbit into a furnace and forced the kids to inhale
the addictive scent of burning rabbit flesh.

Role-playing Mayhem!

It’s
a known fact that kids are suckers for role playing. This activity
involves donning various cartoon character outfits like Popeye, Fred
Flintstone, Shaggy from Scooby doo, Winnie the Pooh or some of those
naked hentai babes. After they clad themselves in these costumes we
give out pepper sprays, baseball bats, little knives, broadswords, mace
and battle axes.

The object here is to inflict
as much physical harm on other kids, there are no rules whatsoever.
They could form alliances with other kids and stab them in the back
eventually. We reckon that this is an excellent way to give kids a
taste of the dog eat dog real world they will face when they grow up.

The activity was a success, only 4 kids died and we threw them into the furnace where we threw the rabbit in.


Fun with household substances!

For
our final activity of the day we had the kids form a circle and spun a
bottle in the middle in a truth or dare fashion. The lucky kid who was
picked by fate was a little girl named Marie. So what we did was tie
Marie up in a chair and let the other kids stick tubes into all the
holes in her body: ears, nose, mouth, barnhole, and mystery hole. After
that, the other kids take turns in pouring in different types of
household substances into the tubes. There’s insecticide, battery
fluid, cleanser, muriatic acid or milk.

I don’t know exactly how
little Marie felt but she turned blue and stopped moving, so we decided
to let the other kids take turns into beating her up with a metal rod.

Results

The
results were very satisfactory. Other than our observation that the
kids were all crying with joy after we sent them homes with threats of
severe physical injury if they told anyone what transpired that night,
we saw that some good values have been instilled into their young
little minds:

1.) Team building
2.) Violence 
3.) Profanity 
4.) Sex 
5.) Alcohol

Our program was a huge
success and hopefully we could have another one this Christmas. If
you’re interested in volunteering, shoot me an email.Must. stop. doing.
drugs.

Posted by mikey at 4:31 PM | permalink

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Mike "Fucking" VillarAwesome

"a Manila-based blogger made famous by his Atrocities of Friendster series, a regular feature he publishes on his blog where he mercilessly criticizes and mocks pictures of ugly people he stumbles upon on popular social networking site, Friendster. Although a lot of people are offended by what he writes, long-time readers of his blog regard him as a brilliant satire writer."

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