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Revenge of the nose hair

Friday, October 14, 2005

Notice: Commenting has been turned on.

After
I took a bath this afternoon to get ready for work, I noticed
something as I was shaving and looking at my reflection in the
mirror; something which, I believe, is a source of widespread
dreadful affliction for all adult males in the known world: I had
abnormally long nose hairs.

As
you’re reading this, you may be thinking to yourself “Nose hair?
This Mikey guy is crazier than I thought. That can’t possibly happen
to me! I mean, I’m Normal! Unlike him, I strive to maintain good
hygiene and don’t masturbate excessively!”

But unbeknown
to you, dear reader, your nose hairs have a life of their own. While
you sleep, they grow at an alarmingly fast rate entrenched deep in
your nostrils disturbed only by the rare probing pinky or index
finger. These hairs actually enjoy this sort of attention. The
trespassing fingers affords them repose and accelerate their growths
further. Once they have reached the end of their natural life cycle,
they fall off, sometimes even into the very meals that you eat
providing you with more than your recommended daily allowance of
fiber.

Men rarely notice this phenomenon. But once they do,
they stand nonplussed in front of the mirror and realize, for the
first time in their lives how utterly repulsive looking they are.

As
the epitome of the unhygienic male, I stood entranced contemplating
on how it was possible for anyone to ever love me with this hideous
tendrils growing out my nose. How the hell did it manage to grow that
fast? I’m sure it wasn’t
there when I hit the sack last night but here it is now. Taunting me.
flashing a nefarious grin not unlike an evil overlord plotting to
blow up the Earth.

I
tried shoving them back into my nostrils in a maneuver I passionately
call “a tuck in”, but this offers only a temporary solution
to the problem. The little pests jump right back out after a few
breaths. Something needs to be done because if I even think of
setting foot outside the house with these things hanging out my nose,
hordes of people would travel from distant lands just so they could
turn their backs on me and show their haughty contempt.

What
I needed to do was clear. I needed to purge my nostrils of these
oppressive outgrowths; the question is how? Scissors? can’t find any.
Dynamite? I don’t think so. I think this job requires more powerful
equipment, something along the lines of monkey wrenches, chainsaws
and tractors or these comely tweezers with the non-slip rubber grips.

I
tensed as I placed a bunch of the insurgent hairs between the tongs
of the weapon I have chosen. After which, with one mighty jerk comes
my patented “MOTHER SHIT MOUSE PUSSY BURGER!” expletive.

This
ordeal was succeeded by vehement sneezing which yanks your body
around sadistically like a rag doll thereby bouncing your head off
the toilet seat. This is where the void begins. You regain
consciousness minutes later, lying on the cold bathroom tiles without
pants, rubbing your pee pee.

Posted by mikey at 10:58 PM | permalink

Previous Comments

Sometimes, I worry about you Mikey.

Posted by Shelly at October 15, 2005, 7:53 am

Don't shelly. I found little scissors specifically made for dealing with this problem. Neat huh?

Posted by Anonymous at October 15, 2005, 9:28 am

Why'd you turn off your comments in the first place?

Posted by Pau at October 16, 2005, 3:46 pm

you have far too much time on your hands.wopeee.commenting feature back on!!

Posted by golda at October 16, 2005, 5:40 pm

Pau: It's just that there are people from my recent past who I don't want to hear from. I think it's safe now. I think.

golda: Yes! I miss you too! in a way. :)

Posted by Anonymous at October 16, 2005, 6:13 pm

dude, they've been there for a while. we've conveniently neglected to inform you as we we're running a pot as to when you would notice it. consequently, you cost me 800 pesos as i put my money on early november. why couldn't you have waited till then to notice them huh?! HUH?!

Posted by Radioactive Kalbo Project at October 17, 2005, 3:22 pm

RKP: Sorry dude, they were starting to itch; plus my nose makes this weird wheezing sound when I exhale.

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Mike "Fucking" VillarAwesome

"a Manila-based blogger made famous by his Atrocities of Friendster series, a regular feature he publishes on his blog where he mercilessly criticizes and mocks pictures of ugly people he stumbles upon on popular social networking site, Friendster. Although a lot of people are offended by what he writes, long-time readers of his blog regard him as a brilliant satire writer."

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