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consistent inconsistency

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

“can i be of use? i feel so useless here.”
i told daniel as i sat on the kitchen table and watched him sliced the
spices. with an empty stomach and a glass of london’s gin and pineapple
juice in effect already, it wouldn’t be long till i dozed off.

“well, you can refrain from falling into sleep when i serve dinner.” he chuckled.

i could sleep right now. God, i so badly need a sleep. and makati is around fifteen kilometers away from here. more or less.

“why don’t you let me handle this alone and you go and take a nap? i will wake you up when dinner is ready.” he suggested and with a reassuring smile, urged me to go and lie on the hammock near the garden pool.

as
i layed myself there, watching a starless sky and the still waters in
the pool, i restrained myself from asking what i was exactly doing
there. or why i am wasting my party-inspired get up and chose to be in
the middle of ayala alabang village, in a house that looks so sad and
so big for the two of us. i closed my eyes, more on the hopes of
avoiding such questions rather than falling into sleep and dream
controversial dreams.

when he said
“dinner’s ready”, it was visually ready. two candlelights glittered its
orange light against the pool’s bluish water sparkle. everything was on
the table, except dessert. the dinner was simple, but for some reason
it was a product of effort. and i like the dishes he prepared,too,
perhaps, at that particular moment, more than i can admit i do him. it
has been a long time i let somebody cooked me dinner. to actually
surrender and let somebody satiate you a sumptuous and fulfilling
dinner is too dangerous. maybe i was too hungry to consider that fact.
or maybe i subconsciously yearns for anything, anything, we can do
together.

“chico…?!” i shouted as he was taking out the ice cream from the fridge after we finished the meal.

“yeah?”

“i could get used to this.” i told him and grinned. i heard him laugh and he came back with the ice cream can on his arm.

maybe
he likes me. maybe. sometimes, i fancy he does. he can really be sweet
when it suits him. but often times, it does not really matter whether
or not he likes me. i still have to wake up and face the demons in my
life or i still have to sleep with the devils sometimes. the demons i
summoned and the devils i created; or the other way around.

“but do you like him?” he asked me after i told him a story about why i was getting myself drunk to sleep the past few days.

“i
don’t know, chico. i mean, it is so hard to explain. i was okay until
that happens, you know. and i still would like to think i am just
exaggerating this. you know how girls are.”

“no, i don’t.” he grinned. “tell me.”

i
eyed him; he knew very well how girls are. if there is another degree
he could have earned, it would be a degree on understanding women. but
i told him, anyway. “one thing happens and we exaggerate
everything around it. what exactly happens, our reactions, our
feelings. i mean, i might be feeling bad and confused right now but
perhaps, i am just exaggerating this because it makes me look at my
current state more colorfully. nothing kills more than consistency.
unless it is the state of consistent inconsistency, and you have
yourself an entirely different story.”

he
nodded at me, perhaps, understanding where i am coming from. or
perhaps, understanding the necessity that it will still take a number
of dinners before he can finally figure me out.

after
dinner, we looked at his pictures (that was the reason why i was there:
to look at his pictures) and i realized once more that the main reason
the friendship clicked so much is because we are in all areas so
different from each other and has so much differences to share with. in
fact, the way the pictures he showed me was taken is so different from
the way my pictures were taken. they do not look straight at the
camera. for me, that difference was essential that night: the ultimate,
last straw of proof that some things can never mix, like oil and water.

si, like oil and water.

i
do not know for how long i fell asleep there, long after all the
pictures were shared and long after the laughters garnered as each
stories were retold. when i woke up, he, too, woke up. whether or not his sleep was light or deep, i did not know. “i have to go.” i told him, yawning. “so you can sleep properly.”

we
took the used glasses, empty beer bottles, unfinished chocolates back
to the kitchen. he must have noticed me not fully awake yet because i
kept on yawning and keep on dozing off on the sight of a sofa. “hey, why don’t you sleep here if you are too drowsy to drive back to makati?”

a
few hours ago, even before the dinner started and the alcohol was
making everything inside me danced, i thought about that. but i badly
needed to go back to reality. and i have to do a raincheck. “i have to leave. i need to go.”

“you sure?”

he
took me to my car, watched me do my traditional pre-driving nonsense,
and then we kissed, an act that became more of a signage that the end
is near rather than a prelude to something else. “thank you for the dinner, the pictures, and the cds.” i told him and drove off.

i saw him watch me leave. and this time, it didn’t feel so bad.


maybe because i badly needed some sleep. sometimes, the reasons why
some things do not hit you the way they ideally hit you is because of
some factors that are entirely irrelevant to the matter.

i can ask myself tomorrow. perhaps, ill find myself a different answer.

or perhaps not.

Posted by Maggie at 3:06 PM | permalink

Previous Comments

"maybe i subconsciously yearn for anything, anything, we can do together."

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