Over the weekend, I found out some rather unnerving things about myself. First, contrary to my vehement denial, I do
have a drinking problem. So Nixie, if you’re reading this, I just want
you to know how sorry I am for frequently arguing with you about this
and even once beating you up within an inch of your life with my shoe.
In my defense, I have little to no recollection of my being drunk nor
its consequences. Check out this transcript of a chat I had with my
friend:

(21:10:34) Mike: Kim yung pipe ko naiwan ko sa auto mo!
(21:10:47) Kim: wla dun tol…
(21:11:00) Kim: san b banda?
(21:11:19) Mike: Sa sahig
(21:11:59) Kim: wla dun tol…
(21:12:02) Mike: nak ng
(21:12:06) Kim: cge tanong ko sa mom ko…
(21:12:19) Mike: okay hehehe
(21:12:20) Kim: wla rn nmn nabangit c paul sakin…
(21:12:35) Kim: cya umupo sa harap nun eh…
(21:12:42) Mike: di ko naalala nangyari
(21:12:46) Mike: alam ko nagbilyar tayo
(21:12:51) Mike: di ko alam kung gano katagal
(21:13:02) Mike: di ko alam kung san tayo nagpunta pagkatapos
(21:13:54) Kim: kumuha kmi ng bakla tpos pinatira k nmin sa pwet…
(21:14:03) Kim: d n b mskit pwet mo?
(21:14:22) Mike: di na
(21:14:34) Mike: san nga tayo nagpunta?
(21:14:39) Mike: sobra lasing ko nun
(21:28:05) Kim: sa timog diba?
(21:28:19) Mike: Ahhh okay
(21:28:20) Mike: pagkatapos nun
(21:31:23) Kim: nagtagaytay…
(21:33:30) Mike: Ano ginawa dun?
(21:33:43) Kim: wla lang…
(21:37:59) Mike: anong wala; tumingin lang?
(21:38:12) Kim: 2log k eh…
(21:38:19) Kim: uwian nah…
(21:38:23) Mike: tanginang yan
(21:41:30) Mike: nagbilyar ba ako?
(21:41:34) Mike: o natulog ako sa bilyaran?
(21:41:39) Kim: oo
(21:41:43) Kim: isang beses lang….
(21:41:47) Mike: nanalo ako?
(21:42:00) Kim: hindi

I
have this theory that these little blackouts I constantly have are my
brain’s insidious way of telling me to get a life, which is something
I’d take seriously if only drinking wasn’t so damn fun. So fuck you
brain.

However
I have a more pressing problem about myself that will most likely come
as a shock to you. Regular readers of this blog know me as Michael
Villar, a principled young man who works as an Internet professional
and passes time by writing about masturbation and his sexual fantasies.
What you don’t know is that I have been hiding a vile secret: I have
been in the carnal clutches of porn for the most part of my adult life.
The lure of leather-clad dominatrices, college coeds and sometimes,
even farm animals were too much of a temptation for me to ward off and
I succumbed–and got addicted.

The
period between my adolescence and now was a degenerous haze. It didn’t
make much of a difference whether the materials were magazines I got
from under my parents’ mattress, photoshopped celebrity pictures or
moldy VHS tapes I found inside my dad’s little ‘pleasure box’, I just
wanted to get my fix.

As
with most addictions, mine had its natural progression. In the
beginning, I was satisfied with renting VHS titles found at the extreme
back of my local video store’s catalog or getting tabloids with
delightfully sexual innuendos in their titles but there came a time
when those simply would not do the trick for me anymore. I began
downloading several Bangbus and Mike’s Apartment clips off the Internet
and proceeded to carry out numerous activities of self love in the
confines of my locked room which, eventually began to reek badly of
bleach. I hit an all time low when I was indicted on charges of
statutory rape and kidnapping two kindergarten students and coercing
them into performing sexy dances on top of a table while wearing elf
costumes in my room for two weeks. After I escaped from Muntinlupa, it
dawned on me that something needs to be done to curb my worsening
addiction.

I
type this article as a new person ladies and gentlemen. A man who has
turned his back on the sinful life he led and in turn, found solace in
the company of friends and trust in the warmth of love offered by my
savior Jesus Christ.

With
that said, I want to apologize to all the people who, due to my
transgressions, have suffered one way or another. I know that my sins
should be punished with the same severity but until I can find an
electric chair I could fit in, my apology would have to do. I’d like to
say sorry to the following people:

• My best friend Jay Lingan
  - Dude, remember the time when you were showing me pictures of you and
  your girlfriend on your phone? I sent one to my phone using blue tooth
  while you went to get ice for our beers. I then locked myself inside
  your bathroom but realized that I sent a picture of your family to my
  phone by mistake. Shit dude this is embarrassing, but I jacked off on
  your ten year old sister. I know you’d understand, you’re my best
  friend!

• My friend Andrew Macalino - Sorry pare, but
  sometimes at night when I couldn’t sleep, I touch myself while thinking
  of your Tita Lulu, you know, the one who used to give us baths when we
  were little? This has gotten so out of hand that there was a point that
  I almost couldn’t tell fantasy from reality and convinced myself that
  your Tita was an Aztec princess with three boozles.

• My Ex girlfriend -
  Remember the time when you called me at home and I was panting like
  crazy? I told you I just got back from playing basketball but the truth
  was I was jerking off to your voice while I was watching sexy videos of
  Kari Wuhrer. I know it’s sick,
  but that’s nothing compared to the time when we were having sex in the
  apartment I used to rent and I was imagining I was doing a skunk
  because frankly, that’s how bad you stank that night.

• My Boss Alvin-
  I’m sorry for being unproductive at work, I know I’m good at pretending
  to be at work but if you looked closely enough, I had browser windows
  on Harry potter erotica and under the table, I’m rubbing my crotch. I
  promise I’d be more productive from now on.

• Mysterious Internet girl- I
  just want you to know that I’m sorry for pretending that I was a nice
  guy who cares about your problems and gives you sincere advice. The
  truth is, I saw that you were in a vulnerable state and I intended to
  meet up with you, put you to sleep using a handkerchief laced with
  chloroform and do the nasty dance on you. You just look so hot on the
  pic you sent me and I have been fantasizing about you everytime I turn
  on my computer as I have made it my desktop wallpaper

  
  
  

• Mang Leo the carpenter- I’m sorry for sticking it in ‘there’, I know it must’ve hurt like hell.
  

I
know it’s going to take a lot of willpower to forgive me people. But
we’re all Christians, or at least you are, and isn’t it a Christian
virtue to forgive and forget or something like that? I love you all.