Porn Withdrawal syndrome: I WILL SURVIVE

Here’s an update with regards to my
recent withdrawal from that nocuous vice men gleefully refer to as
pornography. I have spent the last two days purging my life of all
forms of pornography and anything that reminds me of it. Yesterday, I
spent hours combing through my 80 Gigabyte hard drive deleting
hundreds if not thousands of Video clips, sound files and assorted
pictures of my naked self that have proliferated in my computer for
the past three or four years. I came across some really hilarious
filenames in the process such as:

• Jay_Manalo_Sunshine_Cruz_Near_LRT.mpg

• Bangbus_Monica_Long_high.mpg

• Bangbus_Black_man_doing_German_girl.mpg

• Bangbus_goes_to_Mexico.mpg

• Moms_Anal_Adventure.mpg

• FarmAnimalsMating.mp3

• FatGirlMoaningwhileCleaningToilet.mp3

I’d like to stress that undergoing this
cleansing process is not easy and as with most addictions, abruptly
putting a stop to it results in some sort of withdrawal syndrome. I
don’t know if anyone can relate to this but in protest to the
discontinued sensual stimulation induced by porn, my body reacts by:
Vomiting, muscular tremors, profuse sweating, indigestion,
constipation, the urge to throw rocks at passing cars, and death.
Well not really death but something really close to it.

Also, as a corollary to giving up porn,
I also must stop flogging my dolphin, choking my chicken, slapping my
monkey or in layman’s terms–masturbating. Now this might be tougher
than giving up porn but I have to be strong. Sure it takes a lot of
effort for me not to touch myself like I was so accustomed to after
taking a bath, before going to sleep and before eating but it is
imperative that I make this sacrifice if I were to achieve the
spiritual pureness I am longing for.

For me, the key to eliminating my
craving for pornography and masturbation is taking up an activity
that will distract me enough to kill my evil urges. I realized that
the reason why I resort to such detestable activities is that I have
nothing else better to do. So over the course of two days, I have
taken up the following activities:

• Watching TV - Having worked
  in a Contact Center (which is a more sosy term for a Call Center.)
  and having the graveyard shift for two years, I never got to catch
  anything worth watching on TV as most channels’ program lineup in
  the morning consists of cartoons; dubbed Mexican or Chinese soap
  operas; morning talk shows with annoyingly perky hosts; noontime
  shows which casts washed up actors/actresses as hosts. (Onemig
  Bondoc, Angelica Jones I’m looking at you) Anyways, my dad was
  supportive enough to buy the complete first season of Desperate
  Housewives for me on DVD. The set consists of eight DVD’s with three
  episodes on each of them and I’m already done watching four discs.

  At first it was hard; what with Eva Longoria and Teri
  Hatcher on it? My first instinct was to concoct a fantasy of me
  stabbing Bree Van De Kamp’s botox face with my penis, doing it with
  Gabrielle Solis while she screams Spanish profanity at me and
  frenching the hell out of that cute Gardener. Okay forget that one.
  Actually, forget this entire activity and let me be honest with you:
  I did wank off to Teri Hatcher’s character…and her daughter.

• Smoking like crazy- I
  found out that a good way to kill my urge to swan dive into a
  swimming pool filled with pornographic magazines is to smoke
  cigarettes like there’s no tomorrow. Sure, I’m smoking three packs
  of Winston reds now compared to my usual one but I think death by
  emphysema is a small risk as opposed to being a sad depraved demon I
  was bound to become. Plus I read somewhere that smoking leads to
  erectile dysfunction! I mean that’s like killing two birds with one
  stone! All I need to do is smoke enough cigarettes to curb my porn
  addiction AND lose the capability to masturbate. Somebody praise me!
  I’m a genius!

These are all I can think of right now
but I’ll let you know if I could come up with new ones. Now, I need
all the support I could get so please; include me in your prayers,
sponsor Sunday mass for me and organize prayer vigils or something.
This is a slow, excruciating process but like Mico’s professor in LaSalle
said - “Patience comes to those who wait.” and “We are
championship!”