I am gonna raise a winner; not a pussy!

Okay,
I spent the weekend hanging out with a bunch of my college friends
and thanks to one of them who has a four year old daughter, I came to
the realization of how much I dread having my own children in the
future. Kids are pains in the ass and I think most, if not all guys
my age are daunted by the mere thought of having to raise one.

But I also realize
that having to face the ordeal of raising a kid is inevitable, I mean
unless I’m sterile (Which I have proven I’m not), or I get myself
into a really horrible accident involving a hyena biting off my dick
or something, I submit that there will come a time when my
hyperactive, hankering sperm cells will find an egg they could sink
their silly little heads into.

I’m sure it isn’t
THAT bad. I’m positive that there is an iota of fun involved in
having a kid and fucking him up so bad he’d wish he’d never been
born. I mean after all, it’s nice to have someone I can send to get
groceries and purposefully coerce to live through all the ambitions
that I, his father, failed to realize in his youth. I imagine having
this sort of conversation with my kid:

Son: “Dad,
I’m shifting to Nursing, I figured out that helping people in need is
something I really want to do.”

Me: [Playing
a video game, eating potato chips off my tummy] “What kind of
fairy are you? Let me ask you something, whose dick are you going to
suck when you become part of the growing number of the unemployed or
underemployed?”

Son: “…”

Me: [nodding]
“That’s right, MINE.”

Son: “But
I just couldn’t see myself sitting in front of the computer all day
writing codes in stupid programming languages, laughing every once in
a while at a funny e-mail and generally being a dork!”

Me: “John
James Miguel Dominador Villar, I’ll watch my mouth if i were you…”

Son: “but…”

Me: “Don’t
make me hit your mother.”

So you see, I’ll make a good father. In fact, I’d be so good that I’d
be the type who’d rather play an epic Online RPG where I can
repeatedly kill creatures to fanatically gain levels while both my
social and family life severely atrophy and my children are taken
away by welfare because of utter neglect.

Seriously though, I wouldn’t want my future kid to become a pussy.
Actually, I am very determined to prevent that from happening that
this early, I have decided to come up with a timetable of events and
honors I want my kid to achieve. And speaking as an avant-garde
proponent of stupid jokes in bullet points I present this timetable:

• 0 - 9
  months before birth: After my
  kid is conceived in my wife’s womb (most probably in the
  ‘Missionary’ or ‘Suspended Monkey man’ position), I will have to
  stop beating her up over financial matters and my drinking problem.
  I will see to it that she only has the healthiest kinds of food in
  her diet. I will not give in to her cravings of Mangga and
  Bagoong because if I do, then undoubtedly, she will give birth
  to a fruity fairy who shits skittles. Oh and I will have to stop
  engaging in hardcore sex with her too.

• 1 year old
  to 5 years old: The moment my
  kid peeks out of my wife’s gaping folds, I will rush to the nearest
  bank and open a savings account for him, I don’t want to have any
  reason for me not to be able to send him to college, so every cent
  left over from my six-digit salary will go to his college fund from
  this point forward. I will not buy him toys because toys are gay.
  Instead, I will force him to read books early. I’m not talking about
  those stupid children’s books either, but rather Business and
  Finance books because I don’t want my kid leeching off my and my
  wife’s generosity forever. I mean sure, it’s understandable for him
  to avail of the drink-all-you-can milk from my wife’s teats and free
  lodging for the first two years, but I want him to learn the value
  of hard work early; this reason is going to justify me kicking my
  kid out of the house once he turns three so me and his mommy can get
  busy making him a brother.
  

• 6 years old
  to 8 years old: At this point
  I want my kid to have fully developed motor skills and speech. He
  should be cursing like a demented sailor and playing professional
  basketball by now and if not, there’s something terribly wrong with
  him and I will ‘terminate his contract’ by poisoning his food or
  smothering him with a pillow while he sleeps. I’d feel bad about it,
  hell I’ll even cry sometimes, but I’ll console myself by thinking
  that he’s a pussy anyway and therefore worthless. During this time,
  he should be in elementary school; writing subversive documents for
  secessionist rebels or drawing drawings only serial killers can
  think of just like he’s old man did when he was his age.
  

• 9 years old to 14 years old: Around age 9 to 14, my kid will
  discover the art of self love and start wanking off. I’m a cool new
  age dad so I am not going to tell him after I barge in on him while
  he’s flogging his dolphin. Well maybe I’ll say something to the
  effect of ‘Learn to lock the door dammit!’ but nothing more. I will
  not make the same mistakes my parents did by not teaching me crap
  about the birds and the bees and leaving me alone to learn about it
  via second hand stories and VHS tapes. I won’t make my kid believe
  that he came out of his mom’s anus just like what my mom told me; in
  fact, I’ll tell him that he came out of a vagina and he should be
  proud of it because the anus is dirtier. In fact, I’m gonna teach
  him other words that correspond to the vagina like pussy, cunt and
  pepet. I will also instill the concept of safe sex in him; I will
  not let him go to school without a condom and tell him that story
  when I got an STD from banging a prostitute we picked up in Quezon
  Ave. at around 4 AM. I will make sure he understands that the best
  time to pick up prostitutes is around 11PM; it’s a little pricier
  but at least the girls are gonna be considerably cleaner as opposed
  to picking them up at say around 2AM. I mean, it’s always healthier
  being the first customer and all.

• 15 years old to 17 years old: If I followed my timetable
  religiously to this point, my kid should be a well rounded young man
  by now. He’ll know every nook and cranny there is to being a useful
  member of society. At this age, I will introduce my son to
  Marijuana, cocaine and rugby as I believe that it’s beneficial for
  him to know the truth behind the stigma of illegal substances before
  he heads out to college. I’ll teach him how to roll a joint, how to
  efficiently snort a line of coke and how to get the most out of a
  bottle of adhesive. I’ll help him choose a course in college by
  taking away any options he has. I’ll force him to study a computer
  related course or a business course because frankly I want him to
  enjoy financial independence as early as possible. I mean come on,
  somebody with a business degree or a computer degree is better
  poised in achieving that as opposed to say an English Major. Trust
  me, learning how to run a business is more profitable than learning
  how to properly capitalize or properly use punctuation marks.
  

• 18 years old to 21 years old: My kid should either be a
  college senior or graduated from college already; banging ho’s left
  and right like the most amazing piece of meat in the world. He’d
  invariably get into stocks, guns, designer drugs or sex trade; it
  really doesn’t matter as long as he is successful and respected
  unlike his old man who spends his work day posting obscene jokes on
  the Internet.