The Prophecy of Bill Davis

When I was a boy of around eleven, my parents came up with some sort
of behavior therapy technique called “Toilet water psychotherapy”. They
would grab me by the hair and dunk my head into a toilet bowl for two
minutes, and as my head was briefly yanked up for air, they would begin
foretelling the not so distant future. “In the near future, you can
send letters using the computer; look at naked ladies in the computer
and even write a diary on the computer; how neat is that? Also, you will come across a guy named Bill Davis,
who is like maybe an awesome religious guy who’d save your damned soul
Michael.” My mom used to say between my heavy gasps for air. “Your mom
is right son. She always is.” My dad would affirm as I flail my arms
around violently trying to free myself from his grasp and this insane
ritual.  

This harsh treatment was my parents’ response to a
stage I was going through where I simply refused to stop insisting that
I wasn’t merely a socially deficient grade school student but rather an
elite salesman from the future hired to sell something called a ‘Blog’.
I didn’t know what the fuck a ‘Blog’ was but I vaguely recall fantasies
I used to have involving me being employed with a company in a yet
undiscovered planet somewhere near Pluto. My dad often tries to snap me
out of this personality by asking me questions he assumed I could not
possibly answer like “How marketable is this ‘Blog’ thing you’re
talking about? What practical use does it have? Have you been rummaging
through my box of sex toys again?” He always believed that he was the
smartest thing in the world ever since that time he was watching Battle
of the Brains with me and my mom and he was able to successfully guess,
four out of five times, David Celdran’s first name. Asshole.

Now, twelve years later, my parents have foregone the idea of confining
me into a mental institution and are pretty much freaked out that I AM,
as a matter of fact, calling up strangers in distant lands using a
gadget called a telephone that transmits my voice over a strange thing
called ‘The Internet’, and selling them a mysterious thing called a
‘Blog.’ 

In those twelve years, two names stuck to my head:
The first was Mark Saracanlao, who was this guy who stuck his penis in
my ear when we were in High School in spite of my vehement protests.
Okay I didn’t really protest. And I paid him like two hundred pesos or
something; no, I think I actually paid him three hundred pesos but not without asking him for a blowjob. That’s the toothiest fucking blowjob I ever had that’s for sure.

The
other one is Bill Davis. Now who is this Bill Davis character whose
ambling into my meek existence has been prophesized by my mom countless
times? 

It is with utter dismay that I announce to you today
that I have, in fact, found Bill Davis and he is not the man I have
come to expect. For as long as I can remember, I have always dreamed
that our meeting would be grandiose; something along the lines of a
McDonald’s kiddie party (Outer space theme!); Bill wearing a fluffy
pink tutu and me arriving on a limousine, wearing very unflattering
white leotards. We will both feel compelled to say something but deep
inside we both know that if we did, it will ruin this magical moment we
have waited for all our lives. Instead, I will give him a subtle nod
and point to my crotch after which, he’d fellate me furiously while
humming ‘twinkle, twinkle little stars’. We will then proceed to eat McFlurry off each other’s mouths. Really awesome shit.

Alas,
life has this way of sneaking up on you and kicking you in the ass when
you least expect it. The way I found Bill was nothing close to what I
had originally envisioned. I found Bill through an email he sent to my
colleague Pete’s wife and he
wasn’t the deus ex machina my mom made me believe him to be through her
numerous divinations. He was actually a very sick, lonely American who
preys on unsuspecting Asian girls. Although this is the case, I do not
feel any morsel of anger towards him. It’s kinda like that feeling when
you’re younger and you think that your parents are the most immutably
good beings in the world until that one night you walk in on them
having sex on a countertop in the kitchen.

Traumatically
awkward I know, but I don’t hate my parents for it, pretty much the
same way I don’t hate Bill Davis; in fact, being the sex and
relationship expert that I am,  I feel that it behooves me to actually
help him out by tweaking this rather lame letter he sends around
through Friendster and MySpace. So Bill, my friend, I hope you read
this. (My comments in bold italics)

—————————————————–

BELOW is a 100% HONEST and very
informative Email that I am sending to you so that we will both know
and understand each other much better in the near future ,,
Please ! don’t take this EMAIL in a bad way .

No
offense Bill, but it’s really disheartening when an American such as
yourself sucks THIS bad in English. I mean English is not my first
language yet my English is noticeably better than yours. I’m sure
there’s a better way you could phrase this paragraph. Come on man, it’s
not hard.

—————————————————–
Hello !!
:
YOU can see my photos from 1965 until Present time of 2005 , just CLICK ! the URL below ;
http://www.kodakgallery.com/I.jsp?c=ffki86g.m6dsfvs&x=0&y=-2tczcy

Bill,
I hate to be the one to have to break this to you, but you look like a
fucking serial killer; kinda like the ones you’d expect to see in
America’s Most Wanted. I mean sure, there are Filipinas who’re
desperate to marry even ugly white trailer park trash such as yoursel;.
But Bill, take my word for it, they’re not THAT desperate to marry
someone who looks like he’s going to carve them up real good, chop them
up into itsy bitsy pieces then stuff them into a garbage bag. 

Why
don’t you do what I do Bill? I’m not attractive, that’s why I don’t
send real pictures of myself whenever I pick up chicks on the internet.
I send Jao Mapa’s. Be creative! I mean come on man, you Americans have
these generic looking faces anyway, why don’t you just nick some
underwear model’s pic? Trust me, it’s going to be a lot easier for you
my friend.

Send E MAle to davis92069at yah00 dot c0m
My Yahoo messenger ID is = davis92069
My Photos are here : at www.myspace.com
http://www.myspace.com/7900510
Also HERE ;
http://www.face-pic.com/davis287
About Me ; My Face-pic USER ID is ,, davis287
My Name is Bill Davis
My Age is 56 but I am told I look like 40+ ,, BUT I feel like 99 sometimes ..

Okay,
I might sound like I’m nitpicking here Bill but it’s E-mail, not
E-male. Tell me you’re not driving at that old HotMale joke because
that’s getting a little old. Anyways, after I viewed your photos in
MySpace and Face-pic, I felt the urge to shove a vacuum cleaner down my
throat to purge my body of all the ugliness your pictures have induced.
No offense dude, but you look like a shriveled old prune who’s one
heart attack away from dying. Please, see my tip preceding this one
regarding stealing pictures on the internet.

Gender - Male
My Sexuality very Straight: I want WOMEN Only !!
Status I am Divorced
Ethnic origin White / Caucasian
Star sign Aries
I live close to San Diego California , UNITED STATES

Here is some Information about myself ;
My Hair colour Dark Brown
My Eye are the color Hazel
Height 5′9″ / 1.75m
My Body is very FAT !! , so if you want a thin or normal size man
then keep looking for another man . I am TRYING to lose weight but it’s hard to do.
Facial Hair ,, sometimes I have a Beard .
Body Hair ,, Hairy chest
Getting in contact with ME !! :
YAHOO Messenger davis92069

This
part is pretty okay I guess. I mean there are a couple of things that
could use a little improvement like the part where you describe your
sexuality as VERY straight. It just sounds too defensive if you know
what I’m saying. I often say I’m VERY attractive, or I smell VERY good,
or I don’t masturbate VERY much; things which can’t be farther away
from the truth.

Also
it’s bad enough that you’re fat dude, but don’t ADMIT it. EVER. And
what could be worse than a Fat, lazy old guy? You aren’t very smart are
you?

The 100% TRUTH About me;

I am age 56 and I am VERY “SERIOUSLY” trying to find a Future COMPATIBLE!!

WIFE ! who will be willing to give me lots of “Oral Sex” when we fall
in Love . Now IF you think giving a man Oral Sex is Dirty then Do NOT
REPLY to this Email ..
Also she should want to live with me in
California USA OR ” WHERE EVER ” I want to Live in the Future ,, Maybe
Thailand or maybe in the Philippines BECAUSE the cost of living is very
CHEAP there .
I can support my ” Future wife and myself ” ,, but if
you want a man to support You and Your whole Family ,, then I am NOT !!
that man ,, because Honestly speaking , I am NOT that rich .
My EMAIL address is ; davis92069@yahoo.com
Occupation status: I am retired because I have a bad back .
Children: None
Smoking: I don’t like Smokers
Alcohol: I don’t like Beer or Alcohol type drinks.
Drugs: I don’t like drugs

I am Looking for a “SPECIAL WOMAN” who will want me ” Just the way I am.”

I will ask her to Live with me for at least 6 months or maybe up to
” 1 year First ” ,, Then we will get Married if we BOTH are very COMPATIBLE ! and comfortable living together .

There
you go with the VERY again. From what I have read so far, you are not
very knowledgeable about women. I mean sure all guys obviously want
“Lots of Oral Sex”, but it’s something that you do not admit openly not
even if you ameliorate it with the phrase ‘when we fall in love’. No
(sober)girl would even touch you with a ten foot pole if you try to
solicit blowjobs from them on the first meeting. I mean I tried it once
with this girl I dated and the only blowjob I got was from a convicted
murderer in the Fairview city jail. Not that I didn’t like it mind you, but I would’ve liked it more if it was given to me by a woman. Or a priest.

Also,
take out the part where you say you’re retired and you have a bad back.
I mean come on man, who would like to marry a butt-ugly pensioner with
a bad back?

And what the fuck dude? You don’t like beer? What kind of fruit fairy are you? Fucking Asshole.

Some of the things I like to do ;
I love to sing at Karaoke places and also Gospel Songs in Church .
Food - Chinese, Italian, Mexican, Pizza, Thai, Vegetarian. Chicken ,
Seafoods , Tender Steak , Etc.
Music - Blues, Country, Folk and Traditional, Latin, Pop, R & B, Reggae,
Religious & Devotional, Rock, Soul. Country , Oldies , Gospel
TV Shows - Documentaries, Dramas, Gameshows, Music, News, Reality TV, Sitcoms,
Talk Shows. Too Many to list
Movies - Action, Adventure, Animation, Comedy, Crime, Documentary, Drama,
Family, Fantasy, Horror, Music, Mystery, Sci-Fi, Thriller, War, Westerns, Star Trek .
Places I like ; Thailand and the Philippines but I still like to travel to NEW places .
My Possessions - Camera, Car, CDs/DVDs/Videos, Clothes, Decks/Music System, DVD Player, House, Jewelry, Computer.
AND My undying love for My Future wife if WE are really COMPATIBLE !!

This
entire part explains why you are divorced, why you’re having such a
hard time looking for a partner and why God hates you so much.

Some of my Hobbies and interests are ,
My hobbies/interests KARAOKE SINGING !!!!! and Computers .
Activities Books/Reading, Cars, Computers, Investing, Internet, Photography,Shopping, Travel.
Health & fitness Scuba diving, Swimming.

Entertainment - Live Music/Music, Nightclubs/Parties, Clubbing, Live
Music, Parties, Dinner Party, Pubs,Hanging out with friends ,
TV/Videos/DVDs.
Regards
Bill Davis
==============================================

Clubbing? Sure, and I’m a level 99 Paladin and I can sustain an erection for more than two minutes.

 
NOW PLEASE REPLY ! and tell me ALL about YOURSELF !
My Email = davis92069at yah00 dot c0m
Yahoo messenger = davis92069
———————————————
PLEASE !! answer All ! of my questions

YES !! I am asking you some VERY !! Personal questions BECAUSE I want
to see if we Might be very COMPATIBLE for a Future MARRIAGE Together .
Most of all I want a woman who will REALLY be in LOVE with me Just as I am and NOT for anything except REAL LOVE ! .

1. Can you give me Oral Sex when I want it ??
2, Do you like to give a man Oral Sex “OR” do you do it ONLY ! BECAUSE you have to ??
3. Do you have children ,, how old are they ?
4. Do you work ?
5. What is your Education ?
6. Are you ” Really willing to live with me BEFORE ” we plan a future Marriage ?

7. Do you want ME ! just for myself ,, or do you also want me to
support your family in the future ? I can NOT !! support anyone EXCEPT
Myself and my future wife …
8. WHY would you want me after you have read all of this Email ?
9. Do you have a phone number where I can call you sometimes ?

I am NOT playing a Game ,, so if you are NOT Serious about me then do
not answer this Email because all I want is a woman who is serious
about me as her possible future Husband .
Regards
Bill Davis
PS , OR - MAYBE ! you can Introduce your Girlfriends to me -
you already have found your Special someone . ??

Hmmm.
Interesting questions you have here. I’m not even going to comment on
question number one because I believe I already discussed that. I would
like to translate the other questions for the benefit of my readers if
you don’t mind Bill. Good.

2, Do you like to give a man Oral Sex “OR” do you do it ONLY ! BECAUSE you have to ?? = Are
you going to try and electrocute me by chucking a hair dryer in the
bath tub while I’m in it after we get married and you get your green
card?

3. Do you have children ,, how old are they ? = Do you have a daughter of legal age  I could sexually molest on the side? Would you sue me if I do? Probably not huh?

4. Do you work ? =
Do you have any means to financially support me? Because like I said,
I’m retired, penniless and can’t work because of my bad back.

5. What is your Education ? =
Do you Filipinos have electricity and running water over there already?
Do you still hunt for food? Do you know what rape means?

6. Are you ” Really willing to live with me BEFORE ” we plan a future Marriage ? =
Can we like have some sort of living arrangement before we get married?
Something where I could have consensual sex with you everyday for a
period of six months. Are you Filipinos even dumb enough to take this
shit seriously?

7.
Do you want ME ! just for myself ,, or do you also want me to support
your family in the future ? I can NOT !! support anyone EXCEPT Myself
and my future wife …
= I am an asshole.

8. WHY would you want me after you have read all of this Email ? = Oops, dammit, I shouldn’t have written this, what do I press to delete stuff in this internet computer machine again?

9. Do you have a phone number where I can call you sometimes ? = On
second thought, I don’t have enough money to make international calls.
Dammit, I wish I knew how to delete letters in this internet computer
device.