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Apartment Hunting

Tuesday, November 8, 2005

In
light of the latest batch of oil price hikes, I am beginning to realize
how driving to work easily eats up a huge portion of my meager
salary(Yeah, so I lied about my 6 digit salary. This is the Internet.
Sue me asshole.) I mean, a couple of months back, filling my car with
200 pesos worth of gasoline would suffice to get me to and from work;
Earlier though, I noticed that 200 pesos is only worth 5.2 liters of
unleaded Gasoline. In theory, this should still be enough to get me
through a work day but on the way home, my gauge would be hanging
dangerously close to empty and I’d be on the edge of my seat hoping
that the damn thing won’t stall. It’s a bad feeling, it’s kinda like
watching Pearl Harbor and how Ben Affleck’s plane’s like low on fuel
and they had to like land on Japanese-occupied China and he’s all “Holy
shit Danny, we’re out of fuel and you’re gonna be a father. We’re so
screwed dude.” with his stupidly tepid face and shit.

Anyways,
I’ve done some thinking and decided that the most pecuniary sound way
of dealing with this problem is getting a place near where I work
(which could be a challenge considering that most if not all
residential places here in Ortigas either have this weird effeminately
prissy feel to them or just plain swanky). I actually rented a place of
my own for a couple of months when I was with my previous job and was
practically living in with my Ex girlfriend. It was fun; the feeling of
independence it gave me, eating undercooked instant noodles while
walking around in my briefs; watching porn without fear of my mom
walking in on me; not to mention the All-you-can-have sex me and my ex
enjoyed. One of the best moments of my life I tell you.

After
me and my ex broke up, I decided to give the place up as well. I mean,
what am I going to do? Watch TV and jack off excessively? Those are
things I can do at home dammit.

So now I’m going to give this
“making it on your own” shit another shot. I’m actually browsing
through ads posted on Buy And Sell but nothing’s catching my eye;
besides, one of the things I learned from my first foray in finding
apartments is that what’s advertised can’t be father away from the
truth. Here are a couple of the most common descriptions used in
apartment ads and what they really mean:

br, t&b, semi-furnished, w/ parking. - “Semi-furnished”
means that you can furnish the apartment all you want but sooner or
later it will go back to being “Semi-furnished” because akyat bahay
gang members routinely break in and steal appliances and furniture in
this neighborhood. If you’re a girl, there’s a huge possibility of you
being raped and slain as well.


1-2br, new, 15mins away from commercial complex- Apartment
for rent is located between a ministop, a gas station and maybe a
handicraft store that sells knitted stuff. If you’re gonna rent this
place, you have to get used to filthy hobos squatting at your doorstep.
It’s also advisable for you to move in with another person so that you
can take turns in 12 hour watches because the said hobos become violent
once their food supply is depleted. A .50 caliber machine gun is also
recommended.

2br, w/ cabinet, w/ dues, nr Mkti/Ortigas.- Same as above only there’s a cabinet. Wow.

2stry, 2br, strong H2O, rm w/ 1br - “Strong
H20″ indeed. Especially when it’s raining as the roof and drainage
system is in a state of disrepair resulting in random puddles inside
the house. If you’re thinking of renting this place, you better have a
good health insurance policy as there’s a good chance that you would
contract Dengue Fever or Malaria thanks to Mosquitoes infesting
stagnant canals.

2br condo apt, 155 Kapiligan, also avbl 1&3br, 24hrs security- 24
hours security means that guards are guaranteed to show up within eight
hours of your death in the hands of a serial killer/sexual offender.

3big br, family rm, den, loft/attic, fully furnished, w/ big garden- Garden? You mean that plot of grass in front of the apartment which looks like it hasn’t been cut since the Marcos presidency?

2,000/MO. - 2,000 pesos a month? Good luck. Prepare yourself for the worst possible living conditions on Earth.

2stry, 3br, covered roofdeck, garage, freshly painted - “Freshly
painted” means that the landlord has patched up and painted over the
bullet holes from a recent Police SWAT team raid. Permanent bloodstains
of the previous tenants (who are most likely Kidnap for Ransom gang
members) are slightly visible but you can probably place the sofa there
or something.

So
you see, this finding an apartment thing is hard. I need serious help
here people, if you know of any nice places to stay in within the
Ortigas/Pasig area (Preferably, with hot girls next door I could perv
and masturbate on) please do let me know.

Posted by mikey at 12:04 AM | permalink

Previous Comments

Is Quezon City such a scary fuckin place? Serious ka ba?

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