I absolutely hate Friendster. It is a world of superficial acquaintances, a place of insincere empathy, of shallow love affairs and a preying ground for stalkers, weirdos, and 15 year olds who’d orgasm seeing text containing any combination of words with dick, shaft, hole, mountain, cyclops, ice cream, salt or bicycle in them. It is the realm of the pretentious, the pseudo-intellectual, and more often than not, the aesthetically challenged.
With that said, I shall now turn my discriminating gaze on the afflicting horrors of Friendster and its denizens in a brand spanking new column aptly titled: The Atrocities of Friendster.
Case 1: Marvin
For some reason however, I cannot hate Marvin. He reminds me too much of something or someone from my childhood that makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside. I can’t seem to point a finger at it…
Oh, right.
my way to work to day, I got stuck behind a 1990 Toyota Corolla on
Zabarte Road; a narrow two-lane road that leads to Quirino Avenue. I
usually don’t take this route and often take roads that would take me
ten minutes out of my way just to avoid this sort of shit happening.
There’s always a stupid garbage truck, old bus or some other slow
moving vehicle such as this one to wait behind on this road and
somehow, the scenery makes it twice as irritating. Zabarte road isn’t
much to look at; as you drudge through at 20kph, you get an amazing
view comprised of shabby houses and Karaoke houses cum brothels.
Further down the road, an old shell gas station that went out of
business in the mid 90’s sits next to a 7-11.
After
twenty grueling minutes, I finally got the chance to overtake the
corolla and as I was passing by, ready to give the driver my
patented ‘I see you being an asshole’ glare, I saw that the
driver was in fact, a living fossil.
I
could clearly see why gramps was driving too slow. He has two
wrinkled mits tightly gripping the steering wheel; thick glasses to
enhance his pathetic 20/40 vision; AND, although this is something
totally insignificant, but something I feel compelled to write down
because people look up to me as a fashion icon(I think); he has this
faded ash brown hair-do going on just desperately begging for a perm.
What
the fuck is wrong with this picture? Shut your fairy mouth and let
uncle Mike tell you: Clearly, gramps is too old to walk, let alone
DRIVE. Kudos to the morons we have working for the Land
Transportation Office for making all of this possible; for allowing
old bats like these to continue driving even if they can’t see two
feet out of the windshield. I mean come on! This guy probably spends
like an hour trying to stuff his walker in the trunk of the car and
another hour to adjust his artificial hip from a standing position to
this hunched, sitting position he adapts for driving.
Even
with everything I said, I do not hate old people. Sure, they disgust
me and I want to drive the claw end of a hammer into their skulls
sometimes but I definitely do not hate them. I just want them to be
useful members of society for a change. I half expect some of you
smart asses emailing me something to the effect of “But Mike,
they’re old! I’m sure they were
useful when they were younger!” and I’d reply “You’re a
girl, what the hell do you
know?” regardless of whether or not the sender is a girl. Oh and
I hate girls too by the way. Girls are smelly.
Trust
me on this people, being overly sentimental to the elderly is
counterproductive to our country’s growth. We need to do something
drastic about these freeloaders who leech off our generation’s
generosity. Let’s just all hate all old people shall we? This
is not hard people, after all, they’re cranky, disgustingly wrinkled
and are practically useless, rotting pieces of flesh.
until
today, it was perfect to be 25. giov, who celebrated his birthday the
same day i did, told us he decided to be 30 and skip 4 years. i told
him i could use 4 more years for the parties like last weekend.
i
am eating that back now. i am skipping four years myself and decide to
be 29. yes, i obviously lack originality in this aspect but giov, for
the arrogant asshole that he is, makes a lot of sense most of the time.
i am officially skipping four years and decide to be 29. tomorrow, my
looks will catch up with me.
for now, however, i am jotting down the things i realized during my ten-day boracay vacation:
targeted ads, the blogosphere is exhibiting a rather bothersome
trend. In the Philippine blogging scene alone, it’s hard not to
notice the utter lack of creativity and originality manifested in a
lot of blogs that I come across.
Everybody’s simply selling out; riding
sensational and popular issues while sacrificing originality just
because it doesn’t fit into the ‘Winning Formula’. Take a look at the
blogosphere two years ago, take a look at it now. The general idea of
blogging nowadays is to take an excerpt of what somebody else has
written, put three or four sentences worth of your own opinion in it,
suffuse and blend it with as much google ads as possible, sit down
and wait to get rich 5 fucking US cents at a time. How fucking lame
is that?
Targeted ads are polluting the
blogosphere and I will not stand by idly while Google and its ilk
exercise hegemony over the Internet. With that said, I promise all of
my loyal readers (Pete and Sanjay, you guys) that I, Michael Joseph
Villar y Alinan, will never sell out and will continue to pursue high
art in the form of quality, original blogging. And I will prove that
now by posting my exclusive interview with Sam Milby of Pinoy Big
Brother fame.
<–HEY SEARCH ENGINES! OVER HERE!–>
pinoy, big, brother, scandal, sex,
controversy, bullshit, crap, dick, tits, fuck, sam, say, chx, jb,
sam, franzen, uma, nene, raquel, rico, asshole, jenny, rico, bob,
what, happens, at, night, nude, pics, kissing, petting, pet, french,
lap, dance, beer, paris, hilton, nicole, ritchie, sex, video, this,
is, so, fucking, lame, I , swear, to, god
<–END
HEY SEARCH ENGINES! OVER HERE!–>
Mike: Hello
everyone, I’m here today at Starbucks Emerald Avenue where I
am torn between creaming my pants and feeling like a total loser
because I am about to Interview Sam Lloyd Milby, the most recent
house mate from the sickeningly popular TV show Pinoy Big Brother to
be evicted. Hi Sam, thanks for coming, what can you say to all the
readers of the ID Configuration?
In
light of the latest batch of oil price hikes, I am beginning to realize
how driving to work easily eats up a huge portion of my meager
salary(Yeah, so I lied about my 6 digit salary. This is the Internet.
Sue me asshole.) I mean, a couple of months back, filling my car with
200 pesos worth of gasoline would suffice to get me to and from work;
Earlier though, I noticed that 200 pesos is only worth 5.2 liters of
unleaded Gasoline. In theory, this should still be enough to get me
through a work day but on the way home, my gauge would be hanging
dangerously close to empty and I’d be on the edge of my seat hoping
that the damn thing won’t stall. It’s a bad feeling, it’s kinda like
watching Pearl Harbor and how Ben Affleck’s plane’s like low on fuel
and they had to like land on Japanese-occupied China and he’s all “Holy
shit Danny, we’re out of fuel and you’re gonna be a father. We’re so
screwed dude.” with his stupidly tepid face and shit.
Anyways,
I’ve done some thinking and decided that the most pecuniary sound way
of dealing with this problem is getting a place near where I work
(which could be a challenge considering that most if not all
residential places here in Ortigas either have this weird effeminately
prissy feel to them or just plain swanky). I actually rented a place of
my own for a couple of months when I was with my previous job and was
practically living in with my Ex girlfriend. It was fun; the feeling of
independence it gave me, eating undercooked instant noodles while
walking around in my briefs; watching porn without fear of my mom
walking in on me; not to mention the All-you-can-have sex me and my ex
enjoyed. One of the best moments of my life I tell you.
After
me and my ex broke up, I decided to give the place up as well. I mean,
what am I going to do? Watch TV and jack off excessively? Those are
things I can do at home dammit.
So now I’m going to give this
“making it on your own” shit another shot. I’m actually browsing
through ads posted on Buy And Sell but nothing’s catching my eye;
besides, one of the things I learned from my first foray in finding
apartments is that what’s advertised can’t be father away from the
truth. Here are a couple of the most common descriptions used in
apartment ads and what they really mean:
Mike "Fucking" Villar
"a Manila-based blogger made famous by his Atrocities of Friendster series, a regular feature he publishes on his blog where he mercilessly criticizes and mocks pictures of ugly people he stumbles upon on popular social networking site, Friendster. Although a lot of people are offended by what he writes, long-time readers of his blog regard him as a brilliant satire writer."
-Taken from my WikiBios page
