Home » Post Item » A guide to Sex and Relationships for internet geeks like you (Part 1 of 3)

A guide to Sex and Relationships for internet geeks like you (Part 1 of 3)

Thursday, December 1, 2005

Hello
Internet! My name is Tim Wong PhD and I have been approached by the
Editor of this site to realign all of you third world monkeys’ musty,
antediluvian ideologies on sex and relationships.

You
may be asking yourself right now “Who the fuck is this clown and what
makes him qualified to give me advice on my sex life and my
relationships?” The answer is simple my brown skinned friends: The fact
that you’re reading this website makes you either a geek or a monkey.
And it is, afterall, common knowledge that instances when geeks like
you get laid are as rare as hen’s teeth.

This, my friends, is what I’d like to help you with. Yours truly is a SEXpert
in every sense of the word. When I was younger, I banged chicks left
and right and people who know me personally often ask “Dr. Wong! You’re
Amazing! How many chicks have you banged in your lifetime?” At this I
let out a snobbish chuckle and effeminately make gestures with my hand
then say “I cannot answer that question as there’s just so many. How
about I name the famous ones instead?” I banged a lot of famous people
in my lifetime too but these are the ones I remember off the top of my
head:

  • Zhang Ziyi

  • Naomi Watts

  • Elisha Cuthbert (Smelly cunt)

  • Kate Hudson (Pretty good piece of ass, but needs some boob work)

  • Nicole Kidman (cries when she climaxes)

  • Drew Barrymore

  • Amy Lee of Evanescence (Had to lift five layers of fat to get in)

  • Nora Aunor

  • Penelope Cruz (has the worst breath)

  • Heidi Klum

  • Kitchie Nadal (I didn’t know she was famous)

  • Brooke Burke

  • Mike Villar (bleats like a pig)

  • Lassie

In the past, I have written several books on sex
and relationships, all of which have been banned by the catholic
church. Among those are:

  • Sex: Ten reasons why you shouldn’t do it with a nun.

  • Sex: necrophilia for mongoloids

  • Sex: Enjoy bestiality today

  • Relationships: Why marriage sucks ass

Now that I have rubbed my achievements in your
face, let me proceed by presenting to you an overview of the latest
book I’m working on entitled “A guide to Sex and Relationships for Internet geeks like 30% of males ages 19-29 are today”
If everything goes as planned, it should hit the shelves by January of
2012. Anyway, I’m gonna kick it off by giving you a general overview on
Dating:

Going out

Going
out is a social activity wherein a male and a female try to deceive one
another into getting what they want. Homosexuals call going out
“dating” which is a really stupid term in my professional opinion.
Generally, women want to dine at a fancy restaurant, want to be bought
expensive gifts and expensive jewelry while men simply want steamy,
drunken animal sex.

The challenge for
you as a guy lies in getting what you want(sex) while spending minimum
amounts of cash. This could be achieved by peppering your conversation
with lots and lots of lies. Ideally a geek like you should lie about
the following things:

  • Your sexuality
  • How you spend your free time (which I reckon would
    be along the lines of playing video games or programming magic robots
    using your computer)
  • Your dick size
  • Your salary
  • The car you drive

But the most important thing you should lie about
is what you do for a living. Women are suckers for success and would
gladly bend over for successful men. A good way to lie about your job
is to adorn it a little when you describe what you do to her. Like for
instance, don’t say that you’re a parking attendant for a parking lot
in Makati, tell her you’re an actor who specializes in playing henchmen
in Rudy Fernandez movies. Don’t say that you sit in front of the
computer all day blogging but rather tell her that you are an
“Journalist” and guarantee her that you make lots of money through a
thing called “Google Adsense”. I think Mike had some semi-interesting insights on how to fudge up your job title in one of his earlier entries. Do yourself a favor and read it.

Even with that said, there are a few jobs you should avoid mentioning at all costs.

Lawyer:
Let’s face it, nobody likes lawyers, so NEVER tell a woman that you are
one. Also, the fact that you want to bang her in your car or in the
movie house and want her to give you lots of oral sex in public places
under the influence of controlled substances constitute major crimes in
this country hence you might come off hypocritical. The fact that she’s
14 doesn’t help your case either.

Fashion Designer: Fashion = Homosexuality. Go figure.

Baller: Geeks on the average are 5′3″ and extremely overweight so this doesn’t work.

Anything that has the word “Web” and “Internet” in it:
Back in 1996, when the Internet was in its infancy, saying that you are
in an IT related field makes you radiate with sheer awesomeness. Back
then, girls would gladly spread their legs for somebody who makes
animated GIFs and HTML websites with MIDI background. Nowadays though,
stating that you work for an internet company has the same effect as
saying that you are a repeat sex offender or you work in a call center
often jacking off to voices of American women on the other side of the
phone while providing them technical support.

Telling
a girl that you’re in the IT industry usually elicits responses like
“BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” or “Seriously? God, I feel sorry for you.”

Anyways,
that’s all the time I have for today, stay tuned next week when I will
teach all you geeks how to dissect a cat and the basics of a mysterious
thing called “Sex”

Ta-ta for now.

Posted by Tim Wong at 5:37 PM | permalink

Previous Comments

Watch out, Mikey and Maggie! Dr. Wong might become too popular he might spin off with his own site. Case in point: Oprah and Dr. Phil.

Nonetheless, he's a wonderfully wacky addition! I'd like to know if he's got any bondage/S&M tips for my cross-dressing cousin Bruno from Tondo.

Posted by erisac at December 2, 2005, 6:51 am

Nah, he's under a 5 year contract.

He can try but I'll sic my lawyers on him.

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The star

Mike "Fucking" VillarAwesome

"a Manila-based blogger made famous by his Atrocities of Friendster series, a regular feature he publishes on his blog where he mercilessly criticizes and mocks pictures of ugly people he stumbles upon on popular social networking site, Friendster. Although a lot of people are offended by what he writes, long-time readers of his blog regard him as a brilliant satire writer."

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