i do not know about you, but remember the tamaguchi craze?
i probably got hold of this news too late; in fact, i might only be the remaining few who is not aware of the hallucinated existence of a virtual boyfriend. for all i know, there are probably more and more women crying in desperation for being dumped by their virtual hub— oh fuck it, what is happening to the world?
alex who phoned me after a long day’s work by waking me up at 3am (thank you very much) said, "honey, humanity’s stupidity is a money making machine. entrepreneurs will not overlook it as much as possible."
but for the love of God– who gave you a heart, pumped it in your chest and who gave you the brain and put it on top of everything else– why are you doing this to yourself? it is tolerable to find people getting sad over dying tamaguchi pets but to actually enjoy dating a virtual boyfriend who DOESNT EXIST and have orgasm by doing it, is crazy.
"its like those kinky japanese comic strips. they do not exist, you know they’re crap, but surprise, surprise, guys found it orgasmic." he continued talking. "it is popular because it is out of the ordinary, honey. its like one of those heroes in those romance novels you girls so love to read."
i SO do not read romance novels.
Can I have your ears please, female readers of this blog? (the both of you). I’m about to give all of you some information that will forever change the course of your lives in the most intellectually esoteric manner ever since the time you first got laid. Yours truly- Michael Joseph Villar y Alinan (Rising Internet Star, Heir to the duke of Hillcrest, Hope and Winston Superstakes winner; among others) am laying myself down for the taking. That’s right; I am giving all of you the once in a lifetime opportunity to use me to satisfy all your romantic and sexual needs.
This, I daresay, is a huge development as most of you know that I have had my fair share of dating disasters over the span of this year alone. (Here’s one, here’s another) I could almost hear some of you saying "Oh Mike, had I only known you were single." or "Marry me and impregnate me with your celebrity sperm cells!" For the record, I was in some sort of a relationship. No Vincent, not with you, that one doesn’t count. Anyways, my last relationship ended on something of a sour note and every single time I think about that particular breakup, the raw hatred and bitterness I radiate causes either an Intensity eight earthquake or a tsunami.
So yes, I am lonely but at the same time, I’m left feeling a strong sense of misogynic cynicism from the entire ordeal. For months, I felt that all women were soulless, gangrened buffoons, but I am pleased to announce that those days are over! Yours truly is back in the market and in tiptop emotional shape. Truth of the matter is, I am arguably the single most eligible bachelor on the Internet today. Imagine the look of jealousy and lust on your friends’ faces after you show up at their next party with my arm around you. In my opinion, I’ve said enough; I mean after all, this thing is written on a blog and blogs never lie. However, for the benefit of all of the nonbelievers out there, I will try to justify why I am the greatest guy on earth and why you should drop whatever the fuck it is you’re doing and propose to have wild drunken sex with me.
Mike "Fucking" Villar
"a Manila-based blogger made famous by his Atrocities of Friendster series, a regular feature he publishes on his blog where he mercilessly criticizes and mocks pictures of ugly people he stumbles upon on popular social networking site, Friendster. Although a lot of people are offended by what he writes, long-time readers of his blog regard him as a brilliant satire writer."
-Taken from my WikiBios page
