Home » Post Item » Hello ladies! I’m Mike Villar and you definitely want to marry me

Hello ladies! I’m Mike Villar and you definitely want to marry me

Wednesday, December 7, 2005

Can I have your ears please, female readers of this blog? (the both of you). I’m about to give all of you some information that will forever change the course of your lives in the most intellectually esoteric manner ever since the time you first got laid. Yours truly- Michael Joseph Villar y Alinan (Rising Internet Star, Heir to the duke of Hillcrest, Hope and Winston Superstakes winner; among others) am laying myself down for the taking. That’s right; I am giving all of you the once in a lifetime opportunity to use me to satisfy all your romantic and sexual needs.

 

 

This, I daresay, is a huge development as most of you know that I have had my fair share of dating disasters over the span of this year alone. (Here’s one, here’s another) I could almost hear some of you saying "Oh Mike, had I only known you were single." or "Marry me and impregnate me with your celebrity sperm cells!" For the record, I was in some sort of a relationship. No Vincent, not with you, that one doesn’t count. Anyways, my last relationship ended on something of a sour note and every single time I think about that particular breakup, the raw hatred and bitterness I radiate causes either an Intensity eight earthquake or a tsunami.

So yes, I am lonely but at the same time, I’m left feeling a strong sense of misogynic cynicism from the entire ordeal. For months, I felt that all women were soulless, gangrened buffoons, but I am pleased to announce that those days are over! Yours truly is back in the market and in tiptop emotional shape. Truth of the matter is, I am arguably the single most eligible bachelor on the Internet today. Imagine the look of jealousy and lust on your friends’ faces after you show up at their next party with my arm around you. In my opinion, I’ve said enough; I mean after all, this thing is written on a blog and blogs never lie. However, for the benefit of all of the nonbelievers out there, I will try to justify why I am the greatest guy on earth and why you should drop whatever the fuck it is you’re doing and propose to have wild drunken sex with me.

Mike Villar is sort of famous

Being a rising internet star has its perks. When you’re with me, you get all the social leverage that comes with dating a star such as myself. My coolness is contagious as you yourself become cool just by being near me. You’d notice that people treat you better. Never again will you wait for a table in a restaurant. When we go out, you’ll never face the affront of lining up for the hottest events only to be denied entry afterwards.

When we’re driving around and a traffic enforcer pulls us over for a violation, he’d rip the ticket to shreds and beg for forgiveness the moment he realizes that you’re with someone as awesome as me.

When we arrive at parties, you would be the center of attention as everyone ask themselves "Who’s that hottie with Mike Villar, Rising internet star?" So you see, stars like me can get away with things regular people like you can’t. You’d find that when you date me, the celebrity world I move around in would open its doors and welcome you with open arms.


Mike Villar is 70% gay

admittedly, I am so charming and intelligent that I sometimes tend to monopolize entire conversations, but what people don’t know about me is that I am a sensitive, new age guy. I am a good listener with a good measure of empathy; I don’t really care whether it’s about somebody toppling over your Lego tower or if another Pinoy Big Brother house mate got evicted- I’m here to listen baby.

I understand that there’s more to being a sensitive guy than shutting up wile you blabber on senselessly. With me, you are assured of someone who actually listens; occasionally offering profound insights on matter like "Go on", "yeah whatever", or "can you please shut up?" So whenever you want to whine but got nobody to listen to you, I’m your man.

 

Mike Villar makes trucks and trucks of money

For a second, let’s not be hypocritical. Money makes all the difference in a relationship. On that note, I’d like to say that when you profess your undying love to me, I will make all your money problems disappear. Being both an Internet professional and a semi-respected humor blogger who earns $0.40 cents a day through Google adsense, I have a steady, awe-inspiring income stream.

Also, after being retrenched from my previous job, I was given a decent separation pay which all went to a bank account that is just about ripe for filching. Imagine, going out on a date with me; shopping at your favorite clothing store and being able to lavish yourself with all the articles of clothing up to 300 pesos worth!

It doesn’t end there though as I will ask you to travel with me to fascinating places like the newly renovated SM North Annex, Santo Domingo Church and Rommel’s billiards in Timog. I promise a life of avant garde extravagance where everything you want is within reach; as long as you have a little cocaine and a wild imagination.


Mike Villar is a funny guy

Every girl looks for a guy who has a sense of humor. And what better testament to my comic genius than being able to write for The ID Configuration, one of the vanguards of internet comedy. As a writer for The ID Configuration, you are expected to be eloquent and witty at the same time. It also helps if you own the damn site.

Anyways, I get dozens of fan mail telling me how absolutely hilarious I am, and I’m quite sure that at least one or two of them mean it. You can’t argue with statistics like that. The point is, when you go out with me, you’ll always be laughing; except after I drug you up and rape you in a dark alley–because then, I’d be all business.


Mike Villar is kinda romantic

With Mike Villar, chivalry is alive and kicking! Being the romantic guy that I am, you never know what’s in store for you, you lucky girl. Whether we’re making out in a dark corner while watching a Chinese movie in SM North, an evening in the motel, or snorting coke in a parking lot, you are assured that every second spent with me is more romantic than a thousand blow jobs.

 

Being a veteran boyfriend, I understand how important surprises are to any relationships; and with me, the surprises never stop rolling. Maybe you just finished washing my car, and I’ll sneak up behind you with a bouquet of roses! Or maybe you get home after a stressful day at work and I’ll be sitting on the sofa, waiting for you with a bouquet of roses! Or maybe on our monthsary, I’ll take you out to dine in a fancy Italian restaurant, and as I admire your beauty accentuated by candlelight, I’ll reach under the table to pick up my surprise for you–a bouquet of roses!

 

Just being with me will make your friends so envious that they’d poison their boyfriends for not being as romantic as me.

So there ladies, after reading this and you’re still not convinced that you should date me or marry me, there’s something terribly wrong with you. But if you find yourself turned on with how I described myself and you are not a transvestite posing as a girl (again) send me an email to discuss further our future relationship and all the kinky, illegal stuff we’d do together.

You better get to it! you’re one email away from being with one of the most sought after men on the internet:


Mike Villar
Internet Star
Heir to the duke of Hillcrest
Hope and Winston Superstakes winner
Darlington socks model


Posted by mikey at 12:39 AM | permalink

Previous Comments

this entry has been viewed 26x(well it's 27 now) as it shows above but no one has commented? insane i tell yah. ;)

Posted by dexie at December 7, 2005, 3:50 am

Dammit, I should've known this getting laid via the internet thing isn't gonna work :(

I'm such a loser :(

Posted by Mike at December 7, 2005, 3:53 am

and I should stop refreshing my own pages to increase pageviews.

I'm such a loser :(

Posted by Mike at December 7, 2005, 3:54 am

jajajajaja, mikey. are u aware that about a virtual boyfriend /virtual girlfriend ? it surprises me that there are indeed ppl subscribing to that product.

i mean tamaguchi was crazy. but a virtual bf is even crazier!

Posted by Anonymous at December 7, 2005, 10:39 am

you're not trying hard enough, mike. you left out your vital stats….those killer 6-pack abs, those big strong hands, and oh yes, don't be afraid to tell them about how big your feet are!

it's all about the whole package, mikey!

Posted by leah at December 7, 2005, 12:39 pm

[5] Mikey is hung like an Andalusian!
My site is not safe for work, so there!

Posted by kinkylube at December 7, 2005, 4:49 pm

Leah: Um. I don't have those?

Kinkylube: Yeah you would know about that wouldn't you?

Posted by Anonymous at December 7, 2005, 5:38 pm

[7] Yeah. Let me be your Tyler Durden.

Posted by kinkylube at December 8, 2005, 12:29 am

mike,

you forgot the reverse factor:

an example:

If you are not a stalker, psycho and have no serious mental illness…

If you are shockingly gorgeous, able to move like an acrobat, with at least a million pesos in your account, and has Einstein's IQ…

Then, and only then will entertain your message…

Posted by basangpanaginip at December 8, 2005, 12:09 pm

hapi balentayms! *barf*

Posted by abbee at February 10, 2006, 7:42 pm

Gee. After reading ths, I am sooooooo waving my panties at you.

Posted by van at February 13, 2006, 9:40 am

mikey ur hot

Posted by its me at February 14, 2006, 4:44 am

God Bless Mikey

Find the right person….

be gender sensitive… wahahaha.

Posted by lezthat at February 15, 2006, 4:31 pm

Hell yeah! You are the man of my dreams! But it's a dream not totally a reality. Too bad am wide awake.
Oh, don't we girls love the idea or having a bf just like Mike!

Posted by angel_lei at February 16, 2006, 12:47 am

if you're all that then why in the world don't you have a girlfriend? am just wondering.
you' re really one hell of a writer. hope i had your talent.
more power!

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The star

Mike "Fucking" VillarAwesome

"a Manila-based blogger made famous by his Atrocities of Friendster series, a regular feature he publishes on his blog where he mercilessly criticizes and mocks pictures of ugly people he stumbles upon on popular social networking site, Friendster. Although a lot of people are offended by what he writes, long-time readers of his blog regard him as a brilliant satire writer."

-Taken from my WikiBios page

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