Hello poor people of the Third world! Tim Wong PhD here back with a garbage can full of useless information that would forever change your boring geek existence. Last week, we discussed the fundamental concepts of what to you was once a mysterious concept called "Dating." This week, we discuss the next logical step to dating which is getting laid, sex or as you say it in your retarded language: "Kantot"
What exactly is sex? If you ask this very question to your mom, she would’ve said that it’s "The process where a boy inserts his ‘bird’ into a girl’s ‘pepet’ while he refers to her in a derogatory or demeaning fashion ("bitch", "whore", etc.) However, learned people (myself included) are now claiming that sex is actually used to create babies. Crazy, I know, but it’s backed by scientific fact! How do you go about ’sexing?’ I’ll tell you if you could stop playing Starcraft for one second.
Phase 1: ‘Preparing’
For some reason, a girl is sitting up on your bed ready to engage in consensual sex with a geek like you. How and Why? That’s not important right now. The questions you need to ask yourself now are how do you kick this thing off and how you’d go about it without accidentally killing her or breaking down in tears like you normally do when experiencing pleasant things. Here’s a checklist of what you need:
After you have all these things ready, you’re now ready to transition to phase 2.
Phase 2: ‘Erection and insertion’
This would be the toughest part for people like yourself. Even if you do manage to get your helmeted champion up, there are so many orifices in the female anatomy you could cram your 3 inches of manhood in. It’s so easy to get lost! There’re the ears, there’s the mouth, the vagina, and hernia. As much as possible go for the vagina or the mouth, because putting your bird in the other orifices incurs the wrath of God and may cause you to be afflicted with various diseases like AIDS, Herpes and scurvy.
If your partner is a virgin (which means that the entrance to her vagina is obstructed), utilize the spoon you have prepared and furiously dig into it until you hit the depth of eight inches. This may be a little too much but it prepares her for the hairy Israeli boy he’s gonna have sex with next. Once you hit your mark, turn on your computer and read the next part.
Phase 3: "Pumping"
The first step in this phase is to whip out your bird. This can be done by removing your Optimus Prime briefs and applying the lubricant you prepared earlier. Now take out the roll of scotch tape and wrap it tightly around your purple headed warrior until it turns blue. This is done to ensure that your blood doesn’t wander off to other parts of your body.
If done correctly, your bird should start throbbing or hurting. Now tightly clasp it with your right hand and guide it through the vagina. Commence ‘pumping’ your champion in and out of the vagina while singing this song:
Push and pull, push and pull, make my titi colorful;
up and down, up and down, make my titi color brown!
(repeat to fade)
This process ends after either your bird squirts out a whitish fluid or you suffer a heart attack. If the case is the former, start up the chain saw I asked you to prepare earlier and start hacking your partner into pieces small enough to fit in the black garbage bag.
Give yourself a pat on the back because you are now a man! a Geek man!
Phase 4: Jail
This is your last stop. Hopefully you could get away with 5 years on an insanity plea. You could get the gas chamber which isn’t too bad considering you’d have to repeat the entire process inside the correctional facility: This time, your partners would be big sweaty men. And trust me, they don’t have vaginas.
Ta-ta for now.
By the way, Mike just slipped me a note that the Man-blog is now live and we’re doing regular roundups of articles made by its ubercool and ubertalented pool of writers
Do yourself a favor and save the Amazon rainforest! Link the Man Blog Now!
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