I think Jason Mulgrew explains the concept of Dealbreakers best:
What is a dealbreaker? It’s hard to define, so maybe some examples will help. Two weeks ago (maybe three?) Adam on “Average Joe: Adam Returns” kicked off a woman because she told him she had a son. That’s a dealbreaker. In “Curb Your Enthusiasm,” Larry David couldn’t have sex with an attractive woman because she had a picture of George Bush on her desk. That’s a dealbreaker.Dealbreakers are not limited to sexual or romantic relationships; they can be in friendships as well.
There are only a few things that will automatically disqualify anyone from being my friend. For example, I can’t be friends with any guy who says “I don’t really like sports or music.” Liking one but not the other is fine, but both is a no-no. I mean, what the hell do you do with your time? Sports and music are probably 80% of my day, and that includes work (the other 20% is consuming). What are we supposed to talk about?
Another example is that I can not be friends with any guy who goes to the tanning salon all year long. I can see maybe going before you head on vacation, but all year round is a no good. I can’t be friends with anyone, male or female, who thinks Matchbox 20 “rocks” or “kicks ass.” I don’t think I need to explain why.
Aside from affirming within myself that Jason Mulgrew is the only other person aside from Tony Danza who I’d gladly have steaming man sex with, It got me thinking about my own dealbreakers as far as women are concerned. I mean I don’t care much about friends, my friends come in all shapes and sizes. I have a friend who is afflicted with Kleptomania and routinely steals my GI Joes; I have a gay, 250 pound friend who looks like Dennis Rodman and a friend who burned my pet dog Ruffles alive and called my mom a “dirty cunt.”
But girlfriends are different in the sense that you actually have sex with them. And when you’re a 23 year old obese overweight guy like me who’d corner the first girl who spreads her legs for you into a horrible marriage that would tragically end in murder/suicide, chances are you’re going to spend the rest of your life with your next girlfriend. Or in prision if you do hard drugs like me.
Anyway, After dating around randomly for the past year and a half and ending up with no one, I came to the conclusion that the following are my dealbreakers when it comes to women:
I have a confession to make. I don’t know anything about sex (surprise!). Asking me about sex is like asking a tibetan villager about the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle or asking Elton John on how to act like a heterosexual male.
Also, after bitterly ending relationships with girlfriends who are nothing short of wanton sex kittens, I’d like to go out with someone who, much like me, doesn’t know what the hell she’s doing in bed and doesn’t ask questions like “Is it in yet?” or “Is that your penis or your pinky?” for a change.
So you see, my penis and my sexing ability are not my strong points, but I’m famous and funny so those kinda compensate for both my nanodick and my sexual ineptitude.
Mike: Hello everybody! After dozens of hate mail, death threats and a restraining order, I’m back with an edition of the Atrocities of Friendster that is so brand spanking new, it’s still covered in bubble wrap and nailed shut in a wooden crate.
Joining us in today’s episode is Pau who was verbally threatened more than happy to train his discerning eye on the fiends and other lower animals that inhabit his favorite website: Friendster. Thanks for being here Pau.
Pau: I’m glad to be here Mike. I was overwhelmed with joy when you invited me to work with you on this column. I hope some of your coolness rubs on to me.
Mike: And I’m overwhelmed with joy with the fact that you took time out from masturbating on other people’s shoes and your extensive stamp collection. Now let’s turn on this giant, expensive LCD monitor we bought from the money we earned from being so awesome and take a look at what’s in store for us today shall we?
Pau: The science committee presents their latest discovery: The Abominable, awfully disfigured snow fag.
Mike: Shhhhhh!!! It can hear us!
Pau: His Her Its face sorta reminds me of a barren desert.
Mike: And look! There’s some sort of insect crawling out of its ears!
Pau: Would you sleep with this thing for 50,000 bucks?
Mike: Hell no!
Pau: 55,000 bucks?
Mike: Deal!
Mike "Fucking" Villar
"a Manila-based blogger made famous by his Atrocities of Friendster series, a regular feature he publishes on his blog where he mercilessly criticizes and mocks pictures of ugly people he stumbles upon on popular social networking site, Friendster. Although a lot of people are offended by what he writes, long-time readers of his blog regard him as a brilliant satire writer."
-Taken from my WikiBios page
