My Dealbreakers on relationships

I think Jason Mulgrew explains the concept of Dealbreakers best:

What is a dealbreaker? It’s hard to define, so maybe some examples will help. Two weeks ago (maybe three?) Adam on “Average Joe: Adam Returns” kicked off a woman because she told him she had a son. That’s a dealbreaker. In “Curb Your Enthusiasm,” Larry David couldn’t have sex with an attractive woman because she had a picture of George Bush on her desk. That’s a dealbreaker.

Dealbreakers are not limited to sexual or romantic relationships; they can be in friendships as well.

There are only a few things that will automatically disqualify anyone from being my friend. For example, I can’t be friends with any guy who says “I don’t really like sports or music.” Liking one but not the other is fine, but both is a no-no. I mean, what the hell do you do with your time? Sports and music are probably 80% of my day, and that includes work (the other 20% is consuming). What are we supposed to talk about?

Another example is that I can not be friends with any guy who goes to the tanning salon all year long. I can see maybe going before you head on vacation, but all year round is a no good. I can’t be friends with anyone, male or female, who thinks Matchbox 20 “rocks” or “kicks ass.” I don’t think I need to explain why.

Aside from affirming within myself that Jason Mulgrew is the only other person aside from Tony Danza who I’d gladly have steaming man sex with, It got me thinking about my own dealbreakers as far as women are concerned. I mean I don’t care much about friends, my friends come in all shapes and sizes. I have a friend who is afflicted with Kleptomania and routinely steals my GI Joes; I have a gay, 250 pound friend who looks like Dennis Rodman and a friend who burned my pet dog Ruffles alive and called my mom a “dirty cunt.”

But girlfriends are different in the sense that you actually have sex with them. And when you’re a 23 year old obese overweight guy like me who’d corner the first girl who spreads her legs for you into a horrible marriage that would tragically end in murder/suicide, chances are you’re going to spend the rest of your life with your next girlfriend. Or in prision if you do hard drugs like me.

Anyway, After dating around randomly for the past year and a half and ending up with no one, I came to the conclusion that the following are my dealbreakers when it comes to women:

You cannot be my girlfriend unless you’re a virgin

I have a confession to make. I don’t know anything about sex (surprise!). Asking me about sex is like asking a tibetan villager about the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle or asking Elton John on how to act like a heterosexual male.

Also, after bitterly ending relationships with girlfriends who are nothing short of wanton sex kittens, I’d like to go out with someone who, much like me, doesn’t know what the hell she’s doing in bed and doesn’t ask questions like “Is it in yet?” or “Is that your penis or your pinky?” for a change.

So you see, my penis and my sexing ability are not my strong points, but I’m famous and funny so those kinda compensate for both my nanodick and my sexual ineptitude.

You cannot be my girlfriend if you don’t smoke

This is not negotiable ladies. On the average, I smoke three packs of Winston a day. And I would like my girlfriend to be able to do the same. I mean wouldn’t it be nice if instead of cuddling after sex, we could just smoke and drink brandy?

Besides non-smokers are so uncool. I never hangout with people who don’t smoke; like yuck.

You cannot be my girlfriend if you don’t have a kickass sense of humor

Admittedly, I’m weird. But in an extremely funny way. And there’s nothing more of a turn off for me than a girl who doesn’t get my jokes about internet pop culture, fat people and retards. Imagine us having this conversation:

Me: OMGWTFBBQ, I just realized now, I’m starving!
Potential Girlfriend Heidi: OMGWTFBBQ?
Me: You know, “Oh My God What The Fuck Barbecue?”
Potential Girlfriend Heidi: …
Me: You’re retarded. Get out of here. Oh wait, Pay for the bill! Hey!

You cannot be my girlfriend if you’re fat

Okay I know this statement successfully alienates about 70% of the 21-25 year old female demographic I’m targetting but trust me, this is not bigotry on my part but rather a safety measure.

I mean, look at me. I’m borderline overweight/obese and get ridiculed alot. Imagine me going out with a fat girl; what kind of circus would that be? And where the hell can we find a circus tent we could fit in?

I won’t even get started on how our children would look like if ever. That’s just too sad. Thinking about it now makes me want to light little candles and cry for the sheer anguish that thought brings to me.

You cannot be my girlfriend if you’re obsessed with Hello Kitty or Orlando Bloom

I don’t think there’s a need to explain the Hello Kitty bit further. Let me try and explain the Orlando Bloom part. God this is embarassing.

There was a time when I was so into the entire Lord of the Rings thing and wrote, um, how do I say this, gay fan fiction about Legolas. I’m not gonna go into too much detail; the excerpt below should suffice:

”…My laughter wafted through the beautiful rainforest. An inexplicable happiness engulfed me as I ran around aimlessly. I trip on a rock and felt a searing pain on my left knee. I looked down and noticed a gaping wound but strangely enough, I was hurt but still happy. A silhouette of a man appeared in the distance. The first thing I made out was his angular features that is accentuated by the sunlight seeping in from the canopy above. He had long golden hair, pointed ears and perfect gorgeous eyes. I got lost inside his beauty, his perfection and after he helped me up, I grabbed him by the back of the neck and planted a soft kiss on his soft lips…”

Again ladies, my email address is mike.villar [at] gmail.com. Anyways those are my dealbreakers. I’d like to hear yours so I’d have something to compare mine with. And find out if I need to visit my local mental health professional. Thanks!