Post-Ultimate party update. MySpace Patrol

 Apparently, I’m still alive. And this is because as with most of my posts, and my life at that, I have overestimated our Christmas eve party into a total ballyhoo. In fact, I went to attend the 9pm Christmas mass held in the local chapel to advertise the "Ultimate Party" we were gonna throw. The conversation below should give you an idea of how we went about doing that.

Me: Yo TJ, are you doing anything later?

TJ: Well it’s christmas, so I’m spending time with my fam…

Me: Fuck your family man, Jay and I are throwing the biggest fucking party of the year!

TJ: But I promis…

Me: You’re not getting it TJ. This is not just a party, this is the stuff legends are made of. There’s beer, there’s pot, there’s women, and everyone’s gonna be there!

TJ: Okay I’ll try man but…

Me: TJ, man, if you want to stay the same loser you have been for the last 15 years, that’s your problem. I mean, how old are you? 29? And look at you, you still don’t have a girlfriend. You need to socialize brother!

TJ: Um, I’m actually married. Remember Steph? She’s the Director for operations for [Insert the name of the company I used to work for here]

Me: Liar. Get out of my sight.

If you read this blog regularly, you know that I exaggerate my life a lot. I say stuff like "I’m famous", "I make trucks and trucks of money" or "I got so drunk and had a chance to fuck a supermodel but I couldn’t get it up" a lot. But none of those claims hold a candle to the sheer overestimation I put into our Christmas eve party. Let’s break down my previous post shall we?

• "there will be booze" - There was booze indeed. Lots of it. As early as 3:00pm, all the beer in the sari-sari stores we went to were sold out. We all know that the demand for alcohol during the holidays shoots up so bad. It’s weird how everybody wants to drink during the holidays. Society only has one mission during the holidays and that is to suck at the already dry alcoholic teat provided by the plutocratic corporations that control this country with its voracious vacuum of a mouth leaving nothing but bite marks. Fucking society.

  This is not good. The worst case scenario would have me nicking bottles of wine from my dad’s collection. But come on, who drinks wine? Wine is for elitist snobs and homosexuals. We found salvation in a wholesaler 5 kilometers away from our subdivision. The only problem was they don’t have any Red Horse. They had San Mig light and San Mig light is for weak-wristed faggots who listen to MYMP or some other gay shit like that. Luckily they have Colt 45 which tastes like brew sifted through a jockstrap, but anything is better than San Mig Light. So yes there was booze. 8 cases of it.
  

• "There will be drugs"-  No there were no drugs. I don’t do drugs. I just say I do because it sounds cool.
  
• "There will be hot women we paid to party with us"- There were two women. One was an entertainer from Japan who looked like Steven Segal, the other one was called the "village horse" because everyone gets to ride her.
  
• "There will be celebrities"- The only "celebrity" there was Leslie, our midget basketball coach who had nothing interesting to say aside from "We would’ve easily won over the Talisay Heat back in ‘89 had you guys played harder. I still cry over that loss at night."
  
• "There will be music and wonderful roses"-There was music alright. Courtesy of a decripit Karaoke machine that patiently played cassette tapes of old bands while we threw bottles at people.
  

All in all, 8 people attended our "Ultimate party"; six of them left at around 2am after drinking a bottle of beer each. Me and my friend Jay tried to hold up the front and successfully did until 7am when my mom got mad and told me to sleep. Not the best party ever I know. Hopefully the one we’re throwing on New Year’s eve turns out better.

MySpace Patrol

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