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A recap of my drunken year

Thursday, December 29, 2005

As you read this, you, intelligent reader, most probably know that the year 2005 is in bad health and is about to die of old age. 2005 has been a remarkable year for yours truly and as much as it pains me to say goodbye to it, I understand that this is but a natural cycle that all years go through. In a couple of days, 2005 is going to be graciously whisked away to that wonderful place where all the other years are laid to rest (Except 1992, because 1992 is a son of a bitch)

Traditionally, The new year is accompanied with a spate of people making firm, determined promises about their lives for the coming year. For some people, this involves pledging to lose weight, giving up cigarettes or stop sexually molesting their own kids. I mean, after all the new year is all about rebirth and changing for the better. And by rebirth I don’t mean that in the ‘born again’ sense where some pastor dips your head in holy water or some gay shit like that.

I personally want to bore you with my own New Year’s resolutions but that sort of thing is getting old. Instead, I will bore you with a recap of my year. It’s sort of like a replay only you’re not watching replays of your favorite TV show but rather re-reading long, boring blog posts of your favorite internet guy. I have been blogging for five months now and this blog witnessed all the joy, sorrow and sex crimes I experienced this year. But what about my year before I started blogging? I have nothing else funny to say, so without further ado, I bring you: A Requiem for 2005 (I honestly don’t know what "Requiem" means. I just threw it in there because it sounds sohphisticated and it makes me sound more intelligent)

January 1, 2005 at 12:08 pm: Mike gets medical treatement from East Avenue Medical Center’s burn unit after blowing off his right pinky with a firecracker. He insists he was sober.
February 14, 2005 at 9:44 am: Marks the first time our hero masturbated to celebrate Valentines day; also the first time he managed to squirt semen higher than his head (sitting down)
March 4, 2005 at 3:51 pm: Mike celebrates his 23rd birthday; got the circumcision he’s always wanted.
April 28, 2005 at 2:31 am: Mike gets promoted to Business Development Officer at his job. Still wonders why but suspects it has something to do with the fact that he had kinky office sex with the Director of Operations.
May 6, 2005 at 2:17 pm: Probably drunk.
June 14, 2005 at 4:11 am: Quits aforementioned job. Denies stealing office supplies.
July 31, 2005 at 11:01 am: Got hired by an internet firm. Didn’t want to take the job initially but eventually did after being offered a 6-digit salary, a corner office, a hot secretary and his own jukebox.