Mike: Hello everybody! After dozens of hate mail, death threats and a restraining order, I’m back with an edition of the Atrocities of Friendster that is so brand spanking new, it’s still covered in bubble wrap and nailed shut in a wooden crate.
Joining us in today’s episode is Pau who was verbally threatened more than happy to train his discerning eye on the fiends and other lower animals that inhabit his favorite website: Friendster. Thanks for being here Pau.
Pau: I’m glad to be here Mike. I was overwhelmed with joy when you invited me to work with you on this column. I hope some of your coolness rubs on to me.
Mike: And I’m overwhelmed with joy with the fact that you took time out from masturbating on other people’s shoes and your extensive stamp collection. Now let’s turn on this giant, expensive LCD monitor we bought from the money we earned from being so awesome and take a look at what’s in store for us today shall we?
Pau: The science committee presents their latest discovery: The Abominable, awfully disfigured snow fag.
Mike: Shhhhhh!!! It can hear us!
Pau: His Her Its face sorta reminds me of a barren desert.
Mike: And look! There’s some sort of insect crawling out of its ears!
Pau: Would you sleep with this thing for 50,000 bucks?
Mike: Hell no!
Pau: 55,000 bucks?
Mike: Deal!
I was pretty sure this was going to happen. I recently took it upon myself to do the world a favor by exposing the horrors contained within the hollows of one of the most popular social networking sites in the internet and most of you guys loved it. However, I submit that you can’t please everybody and although I consistently get messages like this:
User: kenna
User ID:
Host: 203.215.118.135
Comment:
mikey’s soooo hot haha 
or
User: gian
User ID: agent_vendetta@yahoo.com
Host: 203.215.99.142
Comment:
mike ur the man! u shld have a show of ur own.. ill watch it even if its on a freakin late timeslot..i wish more of these would come up instead of those tv-novelas that stars chinky eyed people that speak tagalog!! WTF?! friggin infestation.. oh well.. add me to ur mailing list.. i think ur a genius… PRomil user!
—
I also get messages from retarded little twits who love churning out misdirected internet hate. I’d like to stress that I do not write the Atrocities of Friendster column to blatantly insult people but rather to poke fun at what most of us actually find funny but are too chicken to do anything about–Ugliness. One of my favorite quotes about satire is "Satire is a sort of glass, wherein beholders do generally discover everybody’s face but their own" and that can’t be anymore true. So on that note, I’d like to say that this week, I am passing up on writing the 5th volume of the Atrocities of Friendster but rather am going to spend time with you, the fans, by answering selected messages simply because I love you and without you I wouldn’t be the famous internet star I am today. Let’s get started.
We here at the Man-blog headquarters never get tired of dicks. In fact, if you look closely, you’ll notice that every other article contains the word “dick”, “penis”, “meat sword”, “schlong”, or “pee pee.”
Sometimes I worry that we would eventually need to close down shop and rename our site “The Fag Blog.” What bothers me more however is the fact that the world could be so unfair.
I mean, while we’re on the subject of dicks, one dick that is making headlines is none other than Superman Returns star Brandon Routh’s
After audaciously overstating my financial prowess numerous times (“making trucks and trucks of money”, “six digit salary” are some of the terms I used to describe it), I’d like to be honest with you guys for a change. I am broke.
I feel that now is the right time to publicly admit that I am steadily losing my battle against this oppressive thing called debt. Truth of the matter is I am very poor at managing my money—Take that time when I spent my entire month’s salary on curtain rods and gold door knobs that I have absolutely no use for. Or how about that time I bought weight loss pills off Home TV shopping and they didn’t do anything other than to enlarge my already gigantic man-boobs. I also have a lot of bad vices like picking up expensive prostitutes, murdering them and burying them in my backyard. I also have a shoe fetish and I have an extensive collection consist of wedges, mary janes, pumps, stilletos and jeweled Manolo Blahnik pairs.
All these frills left me in a very bad financial situation and I am at the point where I’d suck dicks to make ends meet. Suicide is an option that often crosses my mind. I mean I could always jump off a bridge and leave my enormous debts for my family to worry about but that’s gay. After temporarily washing all my problems away with Tanduay and turpentine and waking up in a dark alley wearing only a mismatched pair of socks, I have decided to claw my way out of this rut and face my problems like a real man.
Mike "Fucking" Villar
"a Manila-based blogger made famous by his Atrocities of Friendster series, a regular feature he publishes on his blog where he mercilessly criticizes and mocks pictures of ugly people he stumbles upon on popular social networking site, Friendster. Although a lot of people are offended by what he writes, long-time readers of his blog regard him as a brilliant satire writer."
-Taken from my WikiBios page
