I got this comment from this entry:
Chuck: “hahaha, parang perfect ka kung mag comment… kaligayahan nila yun bro… be good, malapit na christmas”
Oh shucks Chuck, you’re right, I’m such an asshole. But you know what?:
Now if nobody else has anything to say, I’d like to get on with my update, thank you very much.
Well well well! Congratulations for inheriting your mother’s boobs! Feel free to write me an angry email. No need to put little hearts and flowers at the top though cause the idea that you would like them there is pretty much established. The same applies to attached pictures of you in a fluffy pink tutu, you hunky piece of meat you.
The Atrocities of friendster is now a feature of The Man Blog! Click HERE to view the rest of the article or your nipples will turn black and fall off.
Hello poor people of the Third world! Tim Wong PhD here back with a garbage can full of useless information that would forever change your boring geek existence. Last week, we discussed the fundamental concepts of what to you was once a mysterious concept called "Dating." This week, we discuss the next logical step to dating which is getting laid, sex or as you say it in your retarded language: "Kantot"
What exactly is sex? If you ask this very question to your mom, she would’ve said that it’s "The process where a boy inserts his ‘bird’ into a girl’s ‘pepet’ while he refers to her in a derogatory or demeaning fashion ("bitch", "whore", etc.) However, learned people (myself included) are now claiming that sex is actually used to create babies. Crazy, I know, but it’s backed by scientific fact! How do you go about ’sexing?’ I’ll tell you if you could stop playing Starcraft for one second.
Phase 1: ‘Preparing’
For some reason, a girl is sitting up on your bed ready to engage in consensual sex with a geek like you. How and Why? That’s not important right now. The questions you need to ask yourself now are how do you kick this thing off and how you’d go about it without accidentally killing her or breaking down in tears like you normally do when experiencing pleasant things. Here’s a checklist of what you need:
After you have all these things ready, you’re now ready to transition to phase 2.
i do not know about you, but remember the tamaguchi craze?
i probably got hold of this news too late; in fact, i might only be the remaining few who is not aware of the hallucinated existence of a virtual boyfriend. for all i know, there are probably more and more women crying in desperation for being dumped by their virtual hub— oh fuck it, what is happening to the world?
alex who phoned me after a long day’s work by waking me up at 3am (thank you very much) said, "honey, humanity’s stupidity is a money making machine. entrepreneurs will not overlook it as much as possible."
but for the love of God– who gave you a heart, pumped it in your chest and who gave you the brain and put it on top of everything else– why are you doing this to yourself? it is tolerable to find people getting sad over dying tamaguchi pets but to actually enjoy dating a virtual boyfriend who DOESNT EXIST and have orgasm by doing it, is crazy.
"its like those kinky japanese comic strips. they do not exist, you know they’re crap, but surprise, surprise, guys found it orgasmic." he continued talking. "it is popular because it is out of the ordinary, honey. its like one of those heroes in those romance novels you girls so love to read."
i SO do not read romance novels.
Can I have your ears please, female readers of this blog? (the both of you). I’m about to give all of you some information that will forever change the course of your lives in the most intellectually esoteric manner ever since the time you first got laid. Yours truly- Michael Joseph Villar y Alinan (Rising Internet Star, Heir to the duke of Hillcrest, Hope and Winston Superstakes winner; among others) am laying myself down for the taking. That’s right; I am giving all of you the once in a lifetime opportunity to use me to satisfy all your romantic and sexual needs.
This, I daresay, is a huge development as most of you know that I have had my fair share of dating disasters over the span of this year alone. (Here’s one, here’s another) I could almost hear some of you saying "Oh Mike, had I only known you were single." or "Marry me and impregnate me with your celebrity sperm cells!" For the record, I was in some sort of a relationship. No Vincent, not with you, that one doesn’t count. Anyways, my last relationship ended on something of a sour note and every single time I think about that particular breakup, the raw hatred and bitterness I radiate causes either an Intensity eight earthquake or a tsunami.
So yes, I am lonely but at the same time, I’m left feeling a strong sense of misogynic cynicism from the entire ordeal. For months, I felt that all women were soulless, gangrened buffoons, but I am pleased to announce that those days are over! Yours truly is back in the market and in tiptop emotional shape. Truth of the matter is, I am arguably the single most eligible bachelor on the Internet today. Imagine the look of jealousy and lust on your friends’ faces after you show up at their next party with my arm around you. In my opinion, I’ve said enough; I mean after all, this thing is written on a blog and blogs never lie. However, for the benefit of all of the nonbelievers out there, I will try to justify why I am the greatest guy on earth and why you should drop whatever the fuck it is you’re doing and propose to have wild drunken sex with me.
“UGLINESS, n. A gift of the gods to certain women, entailing virtue without humility”
-Ambrose Bierce, American Satirist
“Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.”
-Oscar Wilde, Irish Writer
“The secret of ugliness consists not in irregularity, but in being uninteresting.”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson, American Essayist
“Mr. Churchill, you’re drunk!” Yes, I am; and you are ugly. But tomorrow, I shall be sober.
-Winston Churchill, British Prime Minister during WWII
“Mike Villar owes us 10,244 pesos worth of IDD calls to Saudi Arabia”
-Collections officer, SMART Telecommunications
“Who are you? And what kind of pancit did you eat?”
Mike Villar, Rising Internet Star / Hope and Winston Superstakes winner
Mike: Hello
and welcome to another adrenaline pumping episode of The Atrocities of
Friendster! The only column on this fascinating thing called the
internet that guarantees everyone a ticket to hell. Joining me today is
our resident Sex and Relationship Expert cum Haute Couturier; the
dashing, the balding, the effeminate Tim Wong PhD!
Tim: Join us as we rummage
through the piles and piles of rejects in this internet wasteland
called Friendster. Watch us kick open doors, dive through windows and
touch each other’s genitals as we lead you through an adventure of a
lifetime!
Mike: So don your asbestos suits and let’s get underway!
Tim: What asbestos suit?
Mike: Shut up.
Case 16: Guido
Mike: I
cornered this mutant after he crawled in through the window and found
his way to my sofa. He’s still there, and I’m still praying to God that
he NEVER, as in NEVER EVER take that pillow off where it is right now.
Tim: Oh my God; remember the
cartoon series ‘Toxic Crusaders?’ What the fuck happened to his face?
It looks as if he filled the toilet with Muriatic Acid and dunked his
head in it.
Mike: 1,000 pesos says there’s a hideous man-eating monster under that pillow.
Tim: Nah, I don’t want to take your money Mike, you need it for a new Sofa.
Mike: True.
Mike "Fucking" Villar
"a Manila-based blogger made famous by his Atrocities of Friendster series, a regular feature he publishes on his blog where he mercilessly criticizes and mocks pictures of ugly people he stumbles upon on popular social networking site, Friendster. Although a lot of people are offended by what he writes, long-time readers of his blog regard him as a brilliant satire writer."
-Taken from my WikiBios page
