The Slacker’s guide to corporate success: Faking it

It is a common misconception that maintaining an organized workstation is vital to exuding productivity in the workplace. But the reality is that an organized desk is like saying “hey fucker, I’m idle! Why don’t you put in more work on my plate?” to your boss.

However, with a little rearranging, you can turn your workstation from a space that attracts work to one that fends it off.

In the boss’s perspective, nothing kills the urge to give an employee more work than the illusion of existing ones lined up. How do you do that, you ask? If you can shut your fanny mouth for one minute I’d tell you how.

Paper is your bestfriend

In a world where corporations are slowly inching their way into the ‘Paperless Office’ setup, finding work-related papers you can adorn your corkboards and desks with can be quite a challenge.

One man’s trash is another’s treasure. If you really want to succeed, you wouldn’t mind rolling up your sleeves and getting your hands dirty. I’m talking about the waste basket. In many offices, the waste basket is a treasure trove brimming with discarded official documents you can use.

Pick up that crumpled provisional receipt or purchase order and post it on your corkboard; better yet, why don’t you pick up that old interoffice memo and write the words URGENT 500 copies on the upper right hand corner with double underlines.

Printouts. Printouts are perfect for decorating your desk with a nondescript pile of paper. Print out all the E-mails, sales reports and memoranda on your computer. What usually works for me is a report that has big graphs on it. This is particularly useful for when your boss passes by and sees you napping on your desk because then, you could get away with saying something to the effect of “I’m just taking a break. All this data’s giving me a headache.”

Post-its r0xx0r5

Nothing says urgent better than post its. Almost every office worker is provided with at least a pad of these things. Post-its are brightly colored for everybody who passes by your workstation to see but are normal enough to avoid closer inspection.

Your computer. What I do is jot down random names and numbers on post-its and adorn the edges of my computer monitor with a generous amount of them. Write down anything from your home telephone number to all the names of your ex girlfriends and randomly stick them on your monitor. Try to avoid writing down dates as this seriously detracts from the ‘shelf-life’ of your notes and will cause you the inconvenience of having to regularly replace them.

Folders and various pieces of paper. Just because all the paper lying around randomly on your desk are props doesn’t mean that anybody needs to know. Add a sense of urgency and believability to your props by posting important-sounding notes on folders and various pieces of paper. Good examples are “Mikey, Marketing needs your input on this today” or “Mikey, the VP for Ops needs a comprehensive report on this by 4pm” This ensures that when somebody attempts to give you more work, you could just mutter something under your breath and point to the large pile of “work” on your desk.

Making sure your computer reflects your ‘Workload’

Spreadsheets. Spreadsheets that has data on an actual, ongoing project could be a lifesaver. If you’re anything like me, you spend roughly 70% of your workday surfing websites or writing shit on your blog. Having a spreadsheet on the background makes sure that you can Alt+tab your way to safety when somebody higher up on the food chain sneaks up on you.

Organized Chaos. We’ve already established that being organized doesn’t exude productivity. It’s very much the same with your computer’s desktop. Only somebody with free time can manage to organize all the files and folders in their computer. Since you want to look like an employee without an iota of free time to spare, your computer desktop should more or less look like your physical desktop. Randomly scatter spreadsheets and word processor documents on your desktop unaligned. Make sure that you don’t have a wallpaper as you want everybody to believe the illusion that you’re all business.

Success! If you’ve been following my tips your workstation should look like this by now:

Give yourself a pat on the back slacker! You’re on your way to success!