Home » Post Item » Hello! Spread your legs! I want a baby! LOLLLL!!!!!111one

Hello! Spread your legs! I want a baby! LOLLLL!!!!!111one

Friday, January 27, 2006

I have a confession to make. For months now, I have been cooing over Heather Armstrong’s baby girl Leta. Before you assholes jump into any conclusions, let me just say for the record that what I’m feeling for Leta is fondness in its most pristine form and not the warm and often masturbatory sense of affection  I feel for little girls like Dakota Fanning and that Lucy girl from The Chronicles of Narnia.

Leta is just so adorable that when the time comes that I knock up one of the prostitutes I’m currently banging, I want the product of our unprotected, drunk lovin’ to be like her. Exactly like her.  Then it occured to me that as with most guys my age, the vagina to me is still an object replete with unfathomable mysteries and puzzles; kinda like a jigsaw puzzle only more frustrating. And fuck, contrary to what I’ve written before, I am totally unprepared for the taxing job of being a father.

there are just too many risks involved in spawning another one of my kind into this world. What if in raising it, I fuck up along the way and he grows up to be the next Adolf Hitler, committing genocide just because of the fact that I wasn’t able to give him the toys he wanted when he was young? Or what if my kid happens to grow up to be an uber hot girl men such as myself perv on regularly? Or worse! What if my kid grows up to be a pussy who cries everytime I elbow him in the face (something I love to do to kids) or everytime a group of teenage gangsters bully him for lunch money in school? These are all unacceptable.

Bah. I need to stop thinking like a pessimistic emo kid; the point is I want a baby and I want it now! The wheels of this dream come off when I start to realize that there’s currently nobody in the picture who’d willingly provide me with an egg cell I could fertilize. This is where the internet comes into play. This shit isn’t called ‘The Information superhighway’ for nothing.

So while I realize that my pathetic first attempt to solicit sex online produced less than satisfactory resluts, I turn to you guys again to help me make my dream of owning a brand new baby come true.

Here’s my proposal: Screw being in a relationship, only romantic fags want those anyway. All I want from you now, ladies of the internet, is to provide me with an egg cell my celebrity sperm cells could fertilize. It could be in the form of actual sexual intercourse (preferred) or one of those scientific methods I saw on the discovery channel where you like put your man juice on a petri dish where they’ll mix it with an egg cell or something totally retarded like that. Point is, I DON’T CARE, I just want a baby! Now!

To help you make a better decision on whether or not I’m the prime specimen you’d want to father your baby, here are some random celebrity facts about me:

So there. Don’t be an asshat! Make a moderately funny guy’s dream come true and volunteer today!

 

Posted by mikey at 11:06 AM | permalink

Previous Comments

i think invitro costs like 5k USD…
awww mikey thinks kids are cute… :)

Posted by bernice at January 27, 2006, 6:37 pm

Wait, are you volunteering?

Posted by Anonymous at January 29, 2006, 7:30 pm

am i?

Posted by bernice at January 29, 2006, 7:36 pm

You're sexy!

Posted by zecret at January 29, 2006, 7:38 pm

Girls girls, I am just a man! Okay, now you have to fall in line just like everybody else. :)

Posted by Anonymous at January 30, 2006, 11:43 am

YIPES!!! hahahaha im so sure the queue will go three times around the block huh?

Posted by bernice at January 31, 2006, 1:31 am

I want to have your baby..
-Dandreb

Posted by Dandreb at February 2, 2006, 1:47 pm

As long as you have ovaries.

Posted by Anonymous at February 2, 2006, 2:19 pm

if you're serious about having a baby then maybe we could help each other out… you can send me an email anytime for the details…

hope to hear from you soon…

Posted by missed_eruption at February 3, 2006, 11:57 am

Sent!

Posted by Anonymous at February 3, 2006, 12:00 pm

Hahaha. You crack me up. Count me in, if you feel so inclined. :p

Posted by Xenia at February 3, 2006, 7:22 pm

Xenia YOU'RE ON!!!

Posted by Anonymous at February 6, 2006, 7:07 pm

dam u ppl

Posted by LOL at February 7, 2006, 3:46 pm

Pipol here are insane!
Hi Pau!

Posted by ER at February 10, 2006, 12:34 pm

I have long been searchin for an intellectually stimulating guy who can stimulate my mind and my body at the same time… oh yes you've got my attention… now when can my body be stimulated by the rising internet star?

You want a baby and I want a baby without being married to the father of my child… now can we have a deal here?

If Mikey says no then I can probably use his site to advertise something…

I'M LOOKING FOR AN INTELLECTUALLY STIMULATING GUY TALLER THAN 5'7", OLDER THAN 30 AND PREFERABLY WITH TINTED CAR. NO EXPERIENCE REQUIRED.

Posted by silkybabes at February 11, 2006, 8:31 pm

I suggest you watch Brokeback Mountain first before you go on with that plan…

Posted by Hipo Krates at February 12, 2006, 6:21 pm

hey asswipe,
"So while I realize that my pathetic first attempt to solicit sex online produced less than satisfactory resluts,"

~~~it should be "results" not resluts" oh well that wil do!

rock on!

Posted by _wt_d_fck at February 13, 2006, 3:21 pm

mikey..you're adorable =)

weird and sooo funny

wait til i graduate first, k?

Posted by cleo at February 20, 2006, 6:50 pm

No! Let's do this now!

Posted by Anonymous at February 20, 2006, 7:18 pm

if i had an egg cell, i'd give you a baby mikey.

Posted by sanjay at February 21, 2006, 1:55 pm

[19] hehehe. 2 years from now mikey dear! =P

Posted by cleo at February 22, 2006, 5:47 pm

LOL,

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Mike "Fucking" VillarAwesome

"a Manila-based blogger made famous by his Atrocities of Friendster series, a regular feature he publishes on his blog where he mercilessly criticizes and mocks pictures of ugly people he stumbles upon on popular social networking site, Friendster. Although a lot of people are offended by what he writes, long-time readers of his blog regard him as a brilliant satire writer."

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