Hello! Spread your legs! I want a baby! LOLLLL!!!!!111one

I have a confession to make. For months now, I have been cooing over Heather Armstrong’s baby girl Leta. Before you assholes jump into any conclusions, let me just say for the record that what I’m feeling for Leta is fondness in its most pristine form and not the warm and often masturbatory sense of affection  I feel for little girls like Dakota Fanning and that Lucy girl from The Chronicles of Narnia.

Leta is just so adorable that when the time comes that I knock up one of the prostitutes I’m currently banging, I want the product of our unprotected, drunk lovin’ to be like her. Exactly like her.  Then it occured to me that as with most guys my age, the vagina to me is still an object replete with unfathomable mysteries and puzzles; kinda like a jigsaw puzzle only more frustrating. And fuck, contrary to what I’ve written before, I am totally unprepared for the taxing job of being a father.

there are just too many risks involved in spawning another one of my kind into this world. What if in raising it, I fuck up along the way and he grows up to be the next Adolf Hitler, committing genocide just because of the fact that I wasn’t able to give him the toys he wanted when he was young? Or what if my kid happens to grow up to be an uber hot girl men such as myself perv on regularly? Or worse! What if my kid grows up to be a pussy who cries everytime I elbow him in the face (something I love to do to kids) or everytime a group of teenage gangsters bully him for lunch money in school? These are all unacceptable.

Bah. I need to stop thinking like a pessimistic emo kid; the point is I want a baby and I want it now! The wheels of this dream come off when I start to realize that there’s currently nobody in the picture who’d willingly provide me with an egg cell I could fertilize. This is where the internet comes into play. This shit isn’t called ‘The Information superhighway’ for nothing.

So while I realize that my pathetic first attempt to solicit sex online produced less than satisfactory resluts, I turn to you guys again to help me make my dream of owning a brand new baby come true.

Here’s my proposal: Screw being in a relationship, only romantic fags want those anyway. All I want from you now, ladies of the internet, is to provide me with an egg cell my celebrity sperm cells could fertilize. It could be in the form of actual sexual intercourse (preferred) or one of those scientific methods I saw on the discovery channel where you like put your man juice on a petri dish where they’ll mix it with an egg cell or something totally retarded like that. Point is, I DON’T CARE, I just want a baby! Now!

To help you make a better decision on whether or not I’m the prime specimen you’d want to father your baby, here are some random celebrity facts about me:

• I’m funny ROFLOLMAOMGWTFBBQ!!!!!111one
  
• 5′10"
• Would gladly have man sex with Conan O’Brien or Larry the Cable guy
  
• 172 lbs
  
• 3 inches flaccid
• 3482 is my ATM PIN number
• I love shopping, texting and pedicures
  
• I’m famous
• Like so famous
• That i’m nose deep in fame

So there. Don’t be an asshat! Make a moderately funny guy’s dream come true and volunteer today!