For a lot of couples across the globe Valentine’s day signifies a day to rekindle the snuffed out flame of romance that used to burn ever so proudly within their hearts. It is a day for lovers to set aside their petty differences and focus on reinforcing and making their respective relationships stronger and wiser.
Actually, that’s bullshit. The truth is, Valentine’s day is an annual event fueled primarily by thoughtless commercialism. It is a day when men throw around extravagant sums of money on flowers, chocolates and jewelry in hopes of getting mind-blowing beejers from patsies more popularly known as ‘girlfriends’.
Lonely, single people like myself on the other hand, spend the day in the sofa, eating potato chips of our tummies and crying while watching episodes of Queer Eye for the straight guy. `tis a very emotional time for the likes of me indeed.
For two years in a row now, I have spent my valentine’s days jerking off to romantic movies; all the while contemplating on the back of my head why a successful, good looking young lad such as myself has to spend this holiest of days by his lonesome.
This might sound like a cock and bull story but It hasn’t always been like this. In fact, three years and 60 pounds ago, I had a girlfriend. She was this busty Irish doll named…um…LaTonda. Yeah, that was her name. LaTonda and I were deeply inlove. We used to go out on ‘dates’ and we almost always had sex afterwards. Except of course when she’s on her ‘period’ (it’s this monthly thing when blood gushes out of a girl’s flower. Icky, I know)
Anyway, LaTonda became an astronaut and I never heard from her again. The point of that entire paragraph is that I am not an exactly an expert when it comes to the mechanisms of love, but I know enough. And I know everything there is to know about valentine’s day from reading tons of pornography and watching The O.C.
With that said, I’m going to give all you men out there tips to ensure you get ‘some’ this coming valentine’s day. And by ‘some’ I mean ‘sex.’
Mike "Fucking" Villar
"a Manila-based blogger made famous by his Atrocities of Friendster series, a regular feature he publishes on his blog where he mercilessly criticizes and mocks pictures of ugly people he stumbles upon on popular social networking site, Friendster. Although a lot of people are offended by what he writes, long-time readers of his blog regard him as a brilliant satire writer."
-Taken from my WikiBios page
