Pre-Valentine’s day briefing: Things to remember

For a lot of couples across the globe Valentine’s day signifies a day to rekindle the snuffed out flame of romance that used to burn ever so proudly within their hearts. It is a day for lovers to set aside their petty differences and focus on reinforcing and making their respective relationships stronger and wiser.

Actually, that’s bullshit. The truth is, Valentine’s day is an annual event fueled primarily by thoughtless commercialism. It is a day when men throw around extravagant sums of money on flowers, chocolates and jewelry in hopes of getting mind-blowing beejers from patsies more popularly known as ‘girlfriends’.

Lonely, single people like myself on the other hand, spend the day in the sofa, eating potato chips of our tummies and crying while watching episodes of Queer Eye for the straight guy. `tis a very emotional time for the likes of me indeed.

For two years in a row now, I have spent my valentine’s days jerking off to romantic movies; all the while contemplating on the back of my head why a successful, good looking young lad such as myself has to spend this holiest of days by his lonesome.

This might sound like a cock and bull story but It hasn’t always been like this. In fact, three years and 60 pounds ago, I had a girlfriend. She was this busty Irish doll named…um…LaTonda. Yeah, that was her name. LaTonda and I were deeply inlove. We used to go out on ‘dates’ and we almost always had sex afterwards. Except of course when she’s on her ‘period’ (it’s this monthly thing when blood gushes out of a girl’s flower. Icky, I know)

Anyway, LaTonda became an astronaut and I never heard from her again. The point of that entire paragraph is that I am not an exactly an expert when it comes to the mechanisms of love, but I know enough. And I know everything there is to know about valentine’s day from reading tons of pornography and watching The O.C.

With that said, I’m going to give all you men out there tips to ensure you get ‘some’ this coming valentine’s day. And by ‘some’ I mean ‘sex.’

single losers can enjoy valentine’s too!

Valentine’s day isn’t just for lovers. One thing I hate about Valentine’s day is it alienates single people. I say it doesn’t have to be like this. I mean, just because you spent the most part of last year designing your website and severing all ties you have from the real world in the process doesn’t mean you can’t have a good time on V-Day.

In fact, why don’t you invite a prostitute over and ask her to pretend to be your special someone? Or if you’re too cheap or too shy to get a prostitute, just treat yourself into a candlelit dinner with your favorite sex toy. Pop a power ballad into the CD player and brace yourself for a night of unrestricted self love!

Don’t be afraid to try new stuff; like dripping hot wax on your chest while wearing only your spongebob squarepants boxers. Better yet, why not try sticking three fingers up your heinie? This just might be the kind of thing you’re looking for.

Stalkers: This is the perfect day to commit murder.

For stalkers such as myself, Valentine’s day is the perfect time to pounce on unsuspecting prey. If the object of all your masturbatory fantasies happens to work with you in the same office, the best way to start is by memorizing her daily routine. This involves logging her login and logout times from the bundy clock and observing her trips to the washroom.

Also make sure to follow her around after work and see how she gets home. If you’re really determined to make the girl yours, you can take it to the next level by lurking around her house at night and watching her favorite TV show with her from outside the living room window.

Now, begin drawing up your plan on how you could profess your undying love to her come V-day. The best way to do this is to skin her dog with a paring knife and write the words “I LOVE YOU TO DEATH” with the dead animal’s blood on her bedroom wall.

Often, these practices are misunderstood by women and they tend to overreact. So when you get found out and get slapped with a restraining order, show your persistence by hacking the object of your affection with a machete until she’s, well, dead.

Don’t go home empty handed! Rape!

The “cereal-rapist” in action

If you happen to be in a relationship or managed to trick some poor girl into going out with you this February 14, do not allow yourself to go home empty handed. I mean come on brother! You gave her all these stupid gifts, you pay for dinner, you drive her around town and even went out of your way to read and memorize lines from Shakespeare to con your date into believing you’re sensitive. SHE HAS TO PUT OUT. If your date declines numerous offers from you to come into your apartment and have ‘coffee’(a code for wild sex); then by all means rape her.

The best place to forcibly take away a girl’s ‘goodies’ is a flat area concealed by thick foliage; preferably a field. It also helps if your rape place is remote as this lessens the risk of witnesses, police and syphilis.

Flowers do the trick

The reason why flowers work is because girls are incapable of any form of cognizant thought. They are mindless chunks of flesh created by God with the sole purpose of satisfying man’s cruel, wanton needs.

I myself do not see the point in throwing around money on something so useless and ugly. But lately I realized that flowers work on women because they are expensive. This sends the message to a girl that you are willing to spend for her, take care of her and give in to all her lavish desires.

How funny.

There you go gents! You have two weeks to fuck up V-day! Get to it!