It’s the same routine everyday for Pau, The Man Blog’s revered Editor in Chief. He sits down on the cold bathroom floor beating off to some blonde hottie he saw on reruns of Blind Date or the Fifth wheel. He takes a shower, shaves, brushes his teeth and whatever the fuck else he does to start his day. He thinks of beating off again, this time to the thought of Jessica Alba, but decides against it realizing that he’s been beating off to sultry mental images of her for two weeks straight now. He needs new material. Suddenly, out of the corner his eye, he catches a glimpse of a horrid, hairy, blob-like monster with genitalia akin to that of a six-year old. “Holy mother of fucks!” he exclaims as he turns to face the ugly beast in the full body mirror. “Oh, it’s just my reflection. HEY LOOK! A DONUT!” He says before digging through the waste basket and passing out.
So you see, the last paragraph teaches us that even if you are a talented, multi-millionaire writer with a great personality, supportive family and caring friends like Pau; your detestable physique makes you a worthless member of society. Often, people like Pau resort to hanging themselves with a steel cable or similar materials that can withstand the tensile stress exerted by their sad, obese bodies.
I am not a lot of things (rich, good looking, haver of consensual sex) but one thing I am is an unlicensed plastic surgeon with years of experience operating on patients like Pau in the back of a rusty Volkswagen van. After being exposed to crates and crates of ugliness working on the Atrocities of Friendster, I have decided to offer my expertise to you, the ugly people of the interweb, and make the world more beautiful ONE UGLY FUCKFACE AT A TIME!
In this episode, watch me work my magic on none other than Pau. Let’s join hands in hoping that after I’m done with him, he can become a god among a flock of ugly, diseased sheep. So without further ado, I bring you episode 1 of this segment that’s going to be so full of beauty, its logo alone puts the prettiest porn stars to shame.
Anyone who’s even remotely into computers know what a blog is. Blogs, more often than not, serve as an avenue for pompous windbags and frustrated journalists(henceforth referred to as “bloggers” ) to whine about things they are unhappy about; express the most trivial of things in a grandiose, aggrandized, philosophical manner; engage in a rabid commentary on the hottest political issues, and much more. “Bloggers” range from suicidal goth/emo kids with serious attention deficit (SG/EWSAD) to Borderline Retards with Internet Access, A Colostomy Bag, And Lots of Lysergic Acid Diethylamide Tablets (BRWIAACBALOLADT’s).
Join me today as I exhibit keen insight, offer profound commentary and sink my awesome talons of truth on this new wrinkle on the internet people like to call blogging.
For one to fully understand the blogosphere, one must first get aquainted with its denizens. On that note, allow me, Spoony iuv—err Mike, to introduce to you the many characters who inhabit this burgeoning subculture.
Link whores are usually newbie bloggers who are desperate for attention. You’d be surprised at what Link Whores are willing to do in order for their abominable blogspot or livejournal blogs to get noticed by the more established bloggers in hopes of getting traffic. Although the Link Whore’s methodology varies, these are the tactics they commonly employ:
Make no mistake people, these bloggers will go to great lengths to get traffic for their crappy blogs. The Newbie Linkwhores often fail miserably though because their content consist primarily of posts about their first menstruation, their first kiss and other awfully boring stuff; things which any self respecting blogger will never link to unless each clickthrough guarantees a mind-blowing orgasm.
To: Mikey <god@man-blog.com>
From: Lorenzo
<straberry_dude_whatever@yahoo.com>
Subject: Your Article
I find your blog “the atrocities of friendster” offensive, especially to those people you cited and whose pics appeared there. I don’t find your comments witty nor funny either. It is unfair to judge and conclude one’s personality or character based on your aesthetics standard. Nor do I find your aesthetic standards credible. I think friendster does NOT deviate from the real world which you have described as pretentious, the pseudo-intellectual, and more often than not, the aesthetically challenged, though aesthetics is relative and very difficult to measure. To explain to you in the more elementary form, the identification or existence of beauty is the presence of the opposite. The existence itself or the identification is dependent on the majority of the people that resides in a community. Say in past centuries in china , having a small feet is considered beautiful or having heavier weight is rather beautiful in the 15 to 17 century in Europe.
Anyway, to get to the point, I find your blog to be racist, shallow , baseless and naïve. I don’t actually believe that you hate friendster, having written a long comment about it. Maybe you are not just finding what you are looking for in friendter and I suggest try another one or start a new site. But please… NOT at the expense of others that you have totally humiliated by being superficial, shallow insincere etc. Come to think of it, you think aesthetics is not superficial and shallow. Or maybe you haven’t thought of it. ( dorp me an email: straberry_dude_whatever@yahoo.com)
Dear Lorenzo,
no.
Thanks,
Mikey
Man, does time fly or what? Can you believe it? it’s the 16th of February already. It’s been two days since Valentine’s day; two days since I last came to work and two days since I seriously fucked up myself by lacing a stick of Winston red with Baygon in a tremendous bout of v-day depression.
I wasn’t entirely ‘dateless’ on V-day as I had this sort of informal dinner thing with my good friend Maffy who wasted no time in making sure that my already low self esteem suffers a further decline.
Maffy: You know Mike, we’re not ‘dateless’ we’re loveless. I wonder why it’s so easy for us to get dates yet find it difficult to find a person to love.
Me: [Not really paying attention, eating pasta sloppily, a nasty splotch of olive oil on my shirt] Yes. Definitely.
Maffy: I mean what’s up with you anyway? You’re very smart, you’re funny, you’re successful…
Me: [Not really paying attention, checking out the chick on the table across ours wondering why hot girls like her even bother going out with old, overweight accountant type guys] I hear you.
Maffy: and you’re not THAT bad looking…
Me: [Abruptly shifts my attention to her, my fork drops to the floor] EXCUSE ME?!
Maffy: You know, you’re not exactly good looking, you’re a little overweight but your other traits more than compensate for it…
Me: [Not really paying attention, anger welling up, fighting the urge to commit the largest rape/murder spree in the history of mankind] Get out of my sight. You disgust me.
Maffy: And you have breasts.
Me: [Eyes brighten up] Yay! Breasts!
A couple of clarifications. It’s true. I’m fat, I’m smart (I think) and I’m funny. And if by ’successful’ you mean having horribly calloused hands thanks to a job that requires you to staple pieces of paper together all day then I’m that too. So what’s keeping me from snagging a covergirl girlfriend you ask? The answer, dear friends is my terribly low self esteem. Ask any decent looking girl to come up to me and try to strike up a conversation and I’ll probably do one or any combination of the following things:
Besides, I think I mentioned in my previous post that I’ve sworn off relationships with women. I understand that relationships treat some people better but as for me, it’s the same vicious cycle:
Breaking news: Adam Mordo reacts to allegations that we are the same person
The moment I saw you inside the ’showroom’ wearing a kinky nurse’s outfit, I knew I was going to fall for you. I mean sure, I’ve sworn off relationships with girls countless times but who can blame me? I’ve been in four relationships so far and the more I think about it, the more I feel that girls have continually tricked me into them with deliberate false advertising and promises of mind blowing sex when what really happens is that they put on 200 pounds on the first month of us being together, nagging me to no end. And after I find another, more sexually attractive woman who doesn’t have cobwebs in the folds of her fat ass, I can’t end the relationship without them threatening to commit suicide or set my parents’ house on fire.
Anyway, now that I got all of that out of my chest, I just want to say how much I love everything about you; how you look like Rufa Mae Quinto; the way your huge pair of mammaries and your small waistline makes you look like a japanese video game character; and the way you enunciate words with your quaint southern accent. (double deck = double dick)
But the thing I love about you the most is the way you held my hand through this awkward thing called ‘paid sex.’ Sure, I know what goes on in these so called health clubs, but frankly I wouldn’t know how to initiate all the kinky, probably illegal stuff that I came there for.
Mike "Fucking" Villar
"a Manila-based blogger made famous by his Atrocities of Friendster series, a regular feature he publishes on his blog where he mercilessly criticizes and mocks pictures of ugly people he stumbles upon on popular social networking site, Friendster. Although a lot of people are offended by what he writes, long-time readers of his blog regard him as a brilliant satire writer."
-Taken from my WikiBios page
