An open (love)letter to a “masseuse”

Breaking news: Adam Mordo reacts to allegations that we are the same person

The moment I saw you inside the ’showroom’ wearing a kinky nurse’s outfit, I knew  I was going to fall for you.  I mean sure, I’ve sworn off relationships with girls countless times but who can blame me? I’ve been in four relationships so far and the more I think about it, the more I feel that girls have continually tricked me into them with deliberate false advertising and promises of mind blowing sex when what really happens is that they put on 200 pounds on the first month of us being together, nagging me to no end. And after I find another, more sexually attractive woman who doesn’t have cobwebs in the folds of her fat ass, I can’t end the relationship without them threatening to commit suicide or set my parents’ house on fire.

Anyway, now that I got all of that out of my chest, I just want to say how much I love everything about you; how you look like Rufa Mae Quinto; the way your huge pair of mammaries and your small waistline makes you look like a japanese video game character; and the way you enunciate words with your quaint southern accent. (double deck = double dick)

But the thing I love about you the most is the way you held my hand through this awkward thing called ‘paid sex.’ Sure, I know what goes on in these so called health clubs, but frankly I wouldn’t know how to initiate all the kinky, probably illegal stuff that I came there for.

So yes, it was definitely awesome when you barged in the shower room just in time to see me soaping my ass. Sure, your timing could use a little work but this is the first time I’ve been in the shower with a girl so that short moment of awkwardness doesn’t take anything away from the entire experience.I really admired how professionally you handled my nervousness. You knew I didn’t need to impress you, all I needed to do was flash a thousand bucks in your face and you’d dry hump me until my penis falls off but you listened as I blabbered on incessantly about my high paying job, the huge commission I’m going to get soon and an upcoming book deal.  Although admittedly, I was a little put off when you chuckled after I said I have a sort of famous blog and women literally throw themselves at me online but it’s all good.

I also find your character very sexy. I mean while most women in your profession say that they got into it because life is hard. you, on the other hand, said you got into it because you wanted to try it.That’s easily the most awesome thing I’ve heard. I mean, people usually whore themselves because they’re broke and trying to make ends meet. But whoring yourself just because you want to try it? Sweet! You never see anyone who has a couple of million bucks suddenly want to take two eight inch cocks in their ass just because they want to try it!

Take me for example, back when I had money, I always said "No way I’m sticking my dick into that matron for 300 bucks!" but now that I spent all my money on cocaine I’m all like "I’ll do it for 50 bucks, where do you want me to stick it again?"

You’re simply the most awesome girl I know! And I just want to say that’s totally the best beejer I’ve had all my life; although I wish you wouldn’t send text messages on your phone while your head is between my legs because it kinda kills it for me.

Anyway, I hope you’re reading this. I honestly don’t know where I’m going with all this drivel but I guess all I’m saying is that I want you to be my special woman so that I could have the most vigorous, stroke-inducing sex with you for the rest of my life. For free.

Much love,

Mike Villar
Rising Internet Star
Lost in dreamy thought,
Thinking of you,
While rubbing my pee pee