Man, does time fly or what? Can you believe it? it’s the 16th of February already. It’s been two days since Valentine’s day; two days since I last came to work and two days since I seriously fucked up myself by lacing a stick of Winston red with Baygon in a tremendous bout of v-day depression.
I wasn’t entirely ‘dateless’ on V-day as I had this sort of informal dinner thing with my good friend Maffy who wasted no time in making sure that my already low self esteem suffers a further decline.
Maffy: You know Mike, we’re not ‘dateless’ we’re loveless. I wonder why it’s so easy for us to get dates yet find it difficult to find a person to love.
Me: [Not really paying attention, eating pasta sloppily, a nasty splotch of olive oil on my shirt] Yes. Definitely.
Maffy: I mean what’s up with you anyway? You’re very smart, you’re funny, you’re successful…
Me: [Not really paying attention, checking out the chick on the table across ours wondering why hot girls like her even bother going out with old, overweight accountant type guys] I hear you.
Maffy: and you’re not THAT bad looking…
Me: [Abruptly shifts my attention to her, my fork drops to the floor] EXCUSE ME?!
Maffy: You know, you’re not exactly good looking, you’re a little overweight but your other traits more than compensate for it…
Me: [Not really paying attention, anger welling up, fighting the urge to commit the largest rape/murder spree in the history of mankind] Get out of my sight. You disgust me.
Maffy: And you have breasts.
Me: [Eyes brighten up] Yay! Breasts!
A couple of clarifications. It’s true. I’m fat, I’m smart (I think) and I’m funny. And if by ’successful’ you mean having horribly calloused hands thanks to a job that requires you to staple pieces of paper together all day then I’m that too. So what’s keeping me from snagging a covergirl girlfriend you ask? The answer, dear friends is my terribly low self esteem. Ask any decent looking girl to come up to me and try to strike up a conversation and I’ll probably do one or any combination of the following things:
Besides, I think I mentioned in my previous post that I’ve sworn off relationships with women. I understand that relationships treat some people better but as for me, it’s the same vicious cycle:
Stage 1: Fuck buddy
I also call this stage the Nixie stage simply because Nix was the only real fuck buddy I’ve ever had. Plus it rolls off the tongue nicely and it makes for a good punchline("I haven’t had sex since the NIXIE ERA"). This stage involves me calling someone up, they come over and then the both of us ‘do it.’ And by ‘do it’ I mean attempt to have sex and later on agree on just taking pictures of her wearing my T-shirt, acting all tired and shit.
Stage 2: Internet Stalker
Seriously, I don’t understand why people look at internet stalkers with nothing but utter scorn and disgust. I mean come on, this is hard work people! Do you think it’s easy waiting infront of your house for hours in a car with nothing but two reams of winston and six bottles of Red Horse beer for you to get home?
I understand that this display of affection can be too overwhelming for some women, but come on! At least appreciate the effort! You don’t know how hard it is to track your address by doing WHOIS’s on your domain name. And if that isn’t bad enough, you’re the one who’s trying to stab me with a knife and throwing china at me and I’m the one who gets taken away by the Police handcuffed?
And yes I’m talking to you Xenia!
Stage 3: Girlfriend
I don’t know what happened either so don’t ask me. I’m pretty sure everything happened in a drunken haze and it most probably involved me touching one of your forbidden areas. That fact makes you my girlfriend.
Stage 4: Breakup
This is the stage where the girl regains consciousness and calls the cops (again). Shit, how the fuck was I supposed to know you’re only 13? And how was I supposed to know that "haan" means ‘No’ in ilocano?
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Anyways, this is my last post for the week. Me and Jolo are going to the UP Fair later so if by any chance, you’re a hot girl and you see somebody picking up empty soda cans and mineral water bottles while humming "I’m only happy when it rains" That’s me. Don’t forget to say hi.
ay caramba! i am sober.. but im still diggin ur work… *claps Girl scout clap combo 3*
Posted by Sillygurl HootZie at February 16, 2006, 6:39 pmWhatever happened to our eloping and having blogging bundles of joy?
Posted by Xenia at February 16, 2006, 7:24 pmXenia: I don't know, you tell me. 
hey, nice blog! when can i date you?!
it depends. are you hot?
Posted by Anonymous at February 18, 2006, 5:55 pmokay… so you were the guy who was crawling around in all fours humming an off key tune at the sunken field the other night? i thought you were just high and wasted… sorry for stepping on your right hand…
Posted by pie at February 19, 2006, 2:40 pmthis is entertaining.=)
Posted by jey at February 24, 2006, 9:13 amMike "Fucking" Villar
"a Manila-based blogger made famous by his Atrocities of Friendster series, a regular feature he publishes on his blog where he mercilessly criticizes and mocks pictures of ugly people he stumbles upon on popular social networking site, Friendster. Although a lot of people are offended by what he writes, long-time readers of his blog regard him as a brilliant satire writer."
-Taken from my WikiBios page
cool man! ur astig!
Posted by gi at February 16, 2006, 6:35 pm