Anyone who’s even remotely into computers know what a blog is. Blogs, more often than not, serve as an avenue for pompous windbags and frustrated journalists(henceforth referred to as “bloggers” ) to whine about things they are unhappy about; express the most trivial of things in a grandiose, aggrandized, philosophical manner; engage in a rabid commentary on the hottest political issues, and much more. “Bloggers” range from suicidal goth/emo kids with serious attention deficit (SG/EWSAD) to Borderline Retards with Internet Access, A Colostomy Bag, And Lots of Lysergic Acid Diethylamide Tablets (BRWIAACBALOLADT’s).
Join me today as I exhibit keen insight, offer profound commentary and sink my awesome talons of truth on this new wrinkle on the internet people like to call blogging.
For one to fully understand the blogosphere, one must first get aquainted with its denizens. On that note, allow me, Spoony iuv—err Mike, to introduce to you the many characters who inhabit this burgeoning subculture.
Link whores are usually newbie bloggers who are desperate for attention. You’d be surprised at what Link Whores are willing to do in order for their abominable blogspot or livejournal blogs to get noticed by the more established bloggers in hopes of getting traffic. Although the Link Whore’s methodology varies, these are the tactics they commonly employ:
Make no mistake people, these bloggers will go to great lengths to get traffic for their crappy blogs. The Newbie Linkwhores often fail miserably though because their content consist primarily of posts about their first menstruation, their first kiss and other awfully boring stuff; things which any self respecting blogger will never link to unless each clickthrough guarantees a mind-blowing orgasm.
Txtblggrs are people whose ability to make sensible judgments and understand the difference between reality and fantasy is seriously impaired by the perennial effects of LSD and other hallucinogens. The long term effects of their drug abuse also affects their ability to distinguish a mobile phone from a computer as they insist on writing posts akin to SMS messages than properly using their computer keyboards. Below is a sample post from a txtblggr:
I met w brd tdy n we hd a bg fyt!! I dnt knw wt hs prblm s bt m rly pssd at hm. Hw hrd s 8 2 undrstnd tht I dnt wnt hm 2 stck hs pns in my s whn we r hvng 6? Nw I hv a rly bd cse f hemryds bcoz f hm! Wht do u guys thnk? comment! roflol!
It is widely believed that txtblggrs write this way in order for them to conserve brain cells they could very well use for other, more productive activities such as arguing with other txtblggrs about how Super Saiyan 5 Son Gokou could beat the shit out of Rambo or some retarded shit like that.
While not a neologism, the word “snark” is enjoying widespread use in the blogosphere thanks to CopyBlogger’s Stop Snark Manifesto. Here’s an excerpt:
While the human voice can be unmistakably genuine, if lacking in integrity it can also be extremely annoying. When adult bloggers sound like MySpace teenagers and substitute insolence for wit, you know we’ve got issues.
Snarks are the punks and cranky war veterans of the blogosphere. These are the wrong motherfuckers to fuck with—online at least. Snarks, in real life, are more often than not lanky bandleaders or Ragnarok junkies who are routinely and summarily beaten up by the Txtblggrs and Newbie Linkwhores they love to ridicule online.
While snarks generally get along well with other snarks; people who disagree with their opinion are usually subjected to violent diatribes which are usually targetted towards the bad grammar, spelling errors and sometimes even the sexual orientation of their detractors. Some snarks even take it to the next level by subjecting their critics to threats of physical injury. Snarks can find your home or office address online, track you down and slit your throat! Even your mother’s! At least that’s what he claims he can do. In reality however, he asks money from his mom for bus fare and prepaid dialup internet cards.
Contrary to popular belief, tech bloggers are not real. They are imaginary bitmap images from the 1970’s made up of spare computer parts. These bloggers are responsible for fistfucking the interweb’s throat with breaking tech news or evangelizing it with the word of their favorite hardware manufacturers.
It is widely believed that tech bloggers, although illusory, still engage in social activites similar to those of humans. These are called “LAN parties” which are basically parties where tech bloggers socialize by touching plastic keys and engaging each other in an epic battle of Starcraft.
Tech Bloggers are probably the most interesting types of bloggers because I personally think there’s nothing more interesting than reading about how much RAM their PC’s have, how big their “HDD’s” are or that day they “modded” their heatsinks and had sex for the first time or something.
To be continued
Next Week: The Thesaurus Master, The Suicidal Goth/Emo Blogger, and Girlygirl you go girl lol!
[1] Well I'm THAT too! And a snark! a really fucked up one!
Im really enjoying this miggy thing hehe
Posted by Anonymous at February 23, 2006, 12:36 ami luv yah mickey….
Posted by minnie at February 23, 2006, 1:13 am[2] well duh you're a snark. it did not exactly give a "oooh yeah" moment unlike the moment i read the words "borderline retard with internet access". that kinda goes without saying miggy.
i wish i could say i'm a snark, but i'm not… 
[2] (cont) just fucked up…
Posted by biankita at February 23, 2006, 2:26 am[3] Come on, who doesn't?
Posted by Anonymous at February 23, 2006, 9:37 am<blockquote>“Bloggers” range from suicidal goth/emo kids with serious attention deficit (SG/EWSAD) to Borderline Retards with Internet Access, A Colostomy Bag, And Lots of Lysergic Acid Diethylamide Tablets (BRWIAACBALOLADT’s).</blockquote>
Now, which group do I belong again?
Posted by Euri at February 23, 2006, 10:55 am[7] doesn't matter what each blogger's like: everyone's just the cum their respective mother should've swallowed.
anti-snarks who complain about you being mean are generally composed of the cum that didn't even credit anyone's mouth… they're the ones who landed on a porno magazine.
you miggy… mmm… you a cross between satan on uppers in a bad prom dress and that guy who got picked after the girl when people form teams for any game…
…who has internet access.
and for that reason, i end up coming back to this site. 
[8] holy fuck! I have intelligent readers!
Posted by Anonymous at February 23, 2006, 6:11 pm[9] is it because i hitthe target when i said you were satan on uppers in a bad prom dress?
Posted by biankita at February 23, 2006, 6:14 pmim a newbie link whore.
and proud!
i have nothing against friendster members… but your humor boggles the mind.
Posted by Maria at February 24, 2006, 7:46 pm[11] newbie link whores are probably the cum that fertilized a grape, not an egg.
Posted by biankita at February 24, 2006, 11:34 pmoh shit! I think I'm a link whore….
Posted by kenna at February 26, 2006, 8:38 ami actually want to be one of those… imaginary bitmap images from the 1970’s =p
Posted by kenna at February 26, 2006, 8:43 amyou, Mikey, are definitely one of those snarky bloggers. haha
Posted by AnP at February 26, 2006, 5:26 pmMike "Fucking" Villar
"a Manila-based blogger made famous by his Atrocities of Friendster series, a regular feature he publishes on his blog where he mercilessly criticizes and mocks pictures of ugly people he stumbles upon on popular social networking site, Friendster. Although a lot of people are offended by what he writes, long-time readers of his blog regard him as a brilliant satire writer."
-Taken from my WikiBios page
i think i'm one of the "Borderline Retards with Internet Access". thank you for providing me with a perfect description for myself. you open doors miggy.
Posted by biankita at February 23, 2006, 12:23 am