UFFNM #1: Pau’s Makeover

It’s the same routine everyday for Pau, The Man Blog’s revered Editor in Chief. He sits down on the cold bathroom floor beating off to some blonde hottie he saw on reruns of Blind Date or the Fifth wheel. He takes a shower, shaves, brushes his teeth and whatever the fuck else he does to start his day. He thinks of beating off again, this time to the thought of Jessica Alba, but decides against it realizing that he’s been beating off to sultry mental images of her for two weeks straight now. He needs new material. Suddenly, out of the corner his eye, he catches a glimpse of a horrid, hairy, blob-like monster with genitalia akin to that of a six-year old. “Holy mother of fucks!” he exclaims as he turns to face the ugly beast in the full body mirror. “Oh, it’s just my reflection. HEY LOOK! A DONUT!” He says before digging through the waste basket and passing out.

So you see, the last paragraph teaches us that even if you are a talented, multi-millionaire writer with a great personality, supportive family and caring friends like Pau; your detestable physique makes you a worthless member of society. Often, people like Pau resort to hanging themselves with a steel cable or similar materials that can withstand the tensile stress exerted by their sad, obese bodies.

I am not a lot of things (rich, good looking, haver of consensual sex) but one thing I am is an unlicensed plastic surgeon with years of experience operating on patients like Pau in the back of a rusty Volkswagen van. After being exposed to crates and crates of ugliness working on the Atrocities of Friendster, I have decided to offer my expertise to you, the ugly people of the interweb, and make the world more beautiful ONE UGLY FUCKFACE AT A TIME!

In this episode, watch me work my magic on none other than Pau. Let’s join hands in hoping that after I’m done with him, he can become a god among a flock of ugly, diseased sheep. So without further ado, I bring you episode 1 of this segment that’s going to be so full of beauty, its logo alone puts the prettiest porn stars to shame.

Pau

While his classmates in college were busy crashing the hottest parties and banging college chicks left and right, Pau, on the other hand, was busy developing an eating disorder and hanging out in coffee shops, wearing his ivy-league sweater, trying to impress girls by reading them chilean poetry. Of course, this would’ve worked if he wasn’t such a fat, ugly fuck.

So while plastic surgeons around the world dismissed him as a hopeless case, I saw Pau as a wad of clay I can mold into my next oeuvre. It was difficult at first as Pau bleats like a pig and it was hard to concentrate over his cries of pain.

After a couple of blows to the back of his head with an aluminum bat, I was finally able to sedate the patient and proceeded to make careful incisions on his face. You know when people say that “beauty is only skin deep?” Such is not the case with the patient as even his skull is horribly deformed. This posed as a big problem but my magic fingers, with the help of wrought iron and lots of cocaine, were able to reconstruct his face into something resembling that of a horse’s. Far from a human’s but a great improvement nonetheless.

I then proceeded to use my Turbo Tiger to suck all his excess subcutaneous fat and made it into a nutritious stew I used to feed the homeless kids I keep in my basement.

Pau’s disgusting pudgy legs needed some work too, so I sawed the damn things off and replaced them with shiny cyborg legs I imported from Bangalore. Then, I installed a new Video Card, an OverClocked Pentium 9 processor, and a 521.23 GB modded Hard Disk with dual heatsinks and UR/SUTPID capabilities as icing on the cake.

After 8 months in a coma, Pau had this to say about his shocking transformation:

In the picture: Pau after the successful operation
Not in the picture: Pau’s active sex life

Ugly Fuck Face No More changed my life so much! Now I could get on with leading rallies of misdirected hate towards the United States in the name of Allah! And get lots of sex!