I just realized that I haven’t told you guys about this little party I attended a couple of weeks back. My best friend Jay Lingan’s sister, Joy, threw this awesome party in celebration of her graduation from Miriam College. The best thing about this particular party is that there were a lot of nubile sex kittens in attendance and since Miriam College is an exclusive school for girls, the girl to guy ratio is pretty much working in my favor.
The bad thing is that almost half of the girls in the party were either dykes or in a relationship with one. Thankfully, Joy, God bless her, had no qualms whatsoever in either pimping her single straight friends to me or identifying who the taco-lovers are in the group. So for the most part of the evening, Joy and I were having conversations like this:
Me: [Seeing a girl who kinda looks like Kirsten Dunst walk in] Joy, I honestly didn’t want to attend your party at first mainly because I thought it’s going to suck worse than the last one you threw. And by God, am I thankful that I did because this right here, is fate. That Girl over there[pointing to the 17 year old Kirsten Dunst look-alike] is my soulmate…
Joy: Um, Kuya Mike…
Me: [not really listening] I want to marry her so I can touch her all over; we will have four children, two of which will die of hunger, but it’s all good. We’re going to be so madly inlove…
Joy: I don’t know about that…
Me: [still not listening] We’re going to live in a small ranch, live a simple life and spend eternity with our heartbeats spelling each other’s name…
Joy: But…
Me: [too smitten to listen] So make haste young one, get me your kuya’s guitar, so I can serenade her with crazy for you and win her love with my musicianship…
Joy: She’s a dyke.
Me: We all know how college chicks like you are crazy over…WHAT!? [sees a girl who, this time, looks like Kristine Hermosa] Oh nevermind, how about her? [Pointing to the newcomer]
Joy: That’s her girlfriend.
Me: Seriously?
Joy: yep.
Me: [Sighs] Why don’t you just tell me where the fucking beers are so I can get a good buzz going and just masturbate at home?
This is one thing I don’t get and I would appreciate any explanation you guys can give me regarding this. What do girls see in lesbians? I mean, they don’t have dicks, they can’t fight for shit (I fought one in sixth grade and although I clearly lost the match, I’ve been beaten up worse by guys), AND they have cooties.
I feel terrible. You know how most people have celebrity look-alikes? I mean I have a friend who looks like Rahul Khanna; another one who looks like Dingdong Dantes and one who looks like Luis Guzman(Just kidding Jenny). For as long as I can remember, I’ve always believed that I look like Jao Mapa. What I didn’t realize was that this illusion should’ve died about the same time I discovered that I could lock myself up in my room for days on end, wear a diaper and live off ice cream and assorted dairy products doing nothing else but watch TV and masturbate.
But whenever I look at myself in the mirror I still think "I still look like Jao Mapa. Or at least his fatter, uglier cousin." The wheels of this illusion came off recently when my friend told me that I don’t look like Jao Mapa at all but rather another more famous local celebrity.
Paula: Mike you so do not look like Jao Mapa. You look like somebody else; I’m trying to remember who….
Me: let me help: Jude Law?
Paula: [Annoyed] no, shut up, I’m trying to remember
Me: Um, George Clooney?
Paula: No, a girl…
Me: Wha..?
Paula: JUDY ANN SANTOS!!! HAHAHAH THERE YOU GO!
Me: [Stabs penis with a pen]
The sad thing about it is that I do look like Judy Ann Santos. The resemblance is so striking it’s not even funny! I mean fuck! What a downgrade: Jao Mapa to Judy Ann Santos. Next thing I know somebody’s gonna come up to me and tell me how much I look like their grandfather’s rotting corpse.
—
Okay this one’s for the ladies. We’ve already established how awesome I am, how I’m easily the most sought after man on the internet and how everytime I post a new entry, every girl who reads my blog and girls within a 50 mile radius of them simultaneously orgasm.
This is flattering and all but the marriage proposals have to stop. Seriously. I mean, it bothers me that in the span of one month, I get four marriage proposals. I’d like to take this opportunity to set the record straight: I am not that kind of guy. If you come up to me and propose to have wild drunken sex with you and a 14 year old Israeli boy then sure, I’m all for that. But PLEASE, don’t ask me to marry you! Marriage is a scary SCARY thought.
Anyway, among the four marriage proposals I got, this one gets top honors:
Message from Some Girl at 12:42:42 am
sure, when do you wanna get hitched? we can go to Vegas and get a divorce too overnight
Message to Some Girl at 12:43:23 am
are we gonna have sex?
Message from Some Girl at 12:44:23 am
hahahahaha I wonder what else is inside Mike’s brain aside from pussy, dick, sex, gay, drugs, suicide
Message to Some Girl at 12:46:27 am
Lately? feces and blood.
Message to Some Girl at 12:46:41 am
You still want to marry me?
Message from Some Girl at 12:46:44 am
btw, I used to have a penis.
Message to Some Girl at 12:46:51 am
Bye.
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In as much as we appreciate the exposure that 9rules has given us, we regret to inform all our readers(both of you) that starting today, we are giving up our membership in the said network as a result of a difference in philosophy. We’re dicks and well, they’re a bunch of pussies. Normally that combination works. However, we are talking attitude and frame of mind here, not body parts. So it is clear that things cannot work out between 9rules and The Man blog.
Nah seriously, although the general consensus among the editors is that we are displeased with the way the goal posts have been moved in the middle of the game with the introduction of a new set of guidelines; we are proud to have been part of 9rules and we can’t stress enough how important the role 9rules has played as far as exposure would go especially in the early stages of this great blog.
So good luck to Scrivs and the rest of 9rules, you guys are doing an excellent job.
Shit. I need serious help. I think I developed some sort of mental and sleeping disorder. Well, the mental disorder bit is nothing new; I mean come on, everybody knows that I am the guy who routinely comes up with innovative ways to fuck himself up (lace a cigarette with Baygon? Sure!); and if you’re a girl who regularly takes the MRT, you probably know me as the sad, creepy, obese man who smells your hair while rubbing his crotch.
Recently however, I’m having a lot of trouble getting sleep. I wouldn’t be the least bothered by it since I’m used to it and all given that I used to work for a BPO company which required me to work night shifts, but two days ago it has taken a turn for the worst. I got home from the office at around 5:30 in the morning and given that I couldn’t sleep, I decided to read several chapters of The Zahir(which, from now on, we’ll call Paulo Coehlo’s lamest attempt to sound more profound than what he really is.). All of a sudden I got all depressed and shit and I kinda tried to kill myself by repeatedly hitting my head on the wall. As with most of my endeavors in life, I failed. I, however, succeeded in waking up my mom who, needless to say, got really upset.
Fellow Man Blogger Adam Mordo who, coincidentally, is a psychiatry nut, tried to explain it to me over one of our nicotine breaks:
First of all I want to let you know that I have disabled comments for this site. The deluge of spam I get everyday is becoming a pain in the ass. I mean what gives people the idea that I’m interested in Online poker anyway? Cialis and Viagra sure, I need those, but Online poker? Puhleeeze! Also, this site will now exist solely as a mirror site for stuff I write for The Man Blog and my BRAND SPANKING NEW PERSONAL SITE. So please, don’t be a pussy and bookmark my new site. NOW.
I know, I know, don’t tell me. I haven’t been updating this site as regularly as I’d want to and I owe a huge part of this inactivity to my utterly terrible time management skills. And if that isn’t bad enough, I suck at multitasking too. You know how some people could pull off something like working on a complicated spreadsheet while surfing the net, talking on the phone, doing their nails, writing a novel AND reading a porn mag all at the same time? This sort of thing does NOT work for me. Everything I do requires my undivided attention. Be it as something as simple as reading a chapter of a book, I need to put on diapers to catch feces and urine as the sheer effort I need to exert to concentrate on what I’m reading would make me forget EVERYTHING including my potty training.
My attention span has never really been that awesome especially when I’m working with numbers, which unfortunately, constitute a large part of the reports I need to generate for my Job. If you ever get the chance to talk to me in person, you’d probably end up punching me square in the face within five minutes as I can be a very annoying douche. The more protracted a conversation is, the more my mind tends to drift off regardless of what we’re talking about. The best way to get something across to me is to pin me down and yell it at me, pausing every other sentence to give me savage kicks to the groin.
Mike "Fucking" Villar
"a Manila-based blogger made famous by his Atrocities of Friendster series, a regular feature he publishes on his blog where he mercilessly criticizes and mocks pictures of ugly people he stumbles upon on popular social networking site, Friendster. Although a lot of people are offended by what he writes, long-time readers of his blog regard him as a brilliant satire writer."
-Taken from my WikiBios page
