Home » Post Item » The Nobleman’s guide to blogging: Meet your bloggers part 2

The Nobleman’s guide to blogging: Meet your bloggers part 2

Tuesday, March 7, 2006

So you read the first part of The Nobleman’s guide to blogging and you say to yourself “I’m not a newbie linkwhore nor am I a snark. Hey! maybe I’m a txtblgger or a techblogger!”

The shocking realization that you don’t belong to any blogger class (which also makes you totally uncool) hits you like a thousand shards of broken glass. You begin to rethink your life. You wonder about the uniqueness and isolation of your individual experience in this hostile universe. You wistfully lift your head and ask:

WHO AM I?

Unfortunately, I don’t know. What I do know is that you are not special. You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake. You’re the same decaying organic matter as everything else. But who knows? Maybe you are a:

Gurly gurl you go girl lol

The Gurly Gurl’s ability to make coherent posts is impaired by prolonged exposure to rave parties and designer drugs which really doesn’t make much of a difference since, most of the time, all they write about are posts about their recent purchases with their Visa platinum card.

The typical gurly gurl’s blog layout consist of animated gifs and a predominantly bright pink color scheme that is sure to cause eye damage to those who view it for extended periods of time. Most of the time, the gurly gurl’s blog takes forever to load thanks to hundreds of high-resolution pictures of them and their ‘gurlfriends’ trying to look cute in some swanky metropolitan bar.

But being a gurly gurl has its perks. One is being exempt from all the rules of spelling, capitalization and grammar. Much like the txtblggr, the gurly gurl pollutes the internet with idiotic posts such as:

LoL I wAz WiT mAh Boo In GloRIEtTA EaRLiEr AnD I GoT ThIZ ReALLy CuTeSIe StUFFed ToY! ThEN We WaTChed A CHiCK FlICk buT I NeeDeD To Go To THe BAtHRooM tO PooP GLiTtEr And ConFettI!! ROFL!!! OH anD I ThINK ReEse WiTHeRsPooN is CUTee!!!


Intellectual Elite Thesaurus Master (IETM)

The IETM has a lot of the characteristics of the snark but refrains from writing as much attacks on the sexual orientation, grammar or physically threatening those who disagree with him. The slant of the IETM’s writing style is to prove to the entire blogosphere that he is the most intelligent, most profound motherfucker in the world.

The IETM’s vocabulary consists of hifalutin, flowery words which are intended to make his readers feel inferior because, shit, if somebody can use the word “diaspora” in a blog post, then he’s definitely a better person than you are. And he probably has a bigger penis too!

Suicidal Goth/Emo Kid

The Suicidal Goth/Emo Kids are the misunderstood artists of the blogosphere. These are the types of bloggers who write because it’s their passion. Their art.

Them being ‘artists’ gives them reason to cram depressing poetry and songs into the collective throats of their readers. To give you a better idea as to what sort of interaction takes place in the blogs of the Suicidal Goth/Emo Kid, see below:


POST: I sat in front of the window tonight filled with wishful yearning. With arms wide open, I beckon the wind to gently caress my face while I contemplate the paths I have taken in my life. Alas, it is regret that embraces my frail body tonight. There were a lot of women who came and went in my life; I should’ve told them; I should’ve been honest; instead I let my cowardice take the better of me; I fled. Now I will never know whether or not her blood tastes like wine.

Reader Comment: I love the way you incorporate metaphors in your writing. What do you mean by “her blood tastes like wine?”

Author Comment: Why should I even bother explaining it to you? Mortals like you can never comprehend the travails of a love that is lost.

Reader Comment: Um, of course I do. I was cheated on by my girlfriend before.

Author Comment: Liar. I shall now slit my wrists and free my soul from this sad mortal coil. Farewell.

Pundits

As if the word ‘pundit’ isn’t annoying enough, these bloggers actually believe that the cog representing their opinions play a bigger role in the entire machinery compared to the rest of us pissants.

Pundits, are usually experts in one particular field (politics, more often than not) and genuinely feel that their labyrinthine diatribes on their chosen subjects are justified by their college diplomas.

Comments left in their blogs by readers who, somehow, agrees to something they posted doesn’t help our general cause either because pundits use comments like these to stroke their egos to an eternal orgasm.

 

 

—

Have anything else to add? email god [at] man-blog.com

Posted by mikey at 10:54 PM | permalink

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