Birthday party, axe kick, new site

First of all I want to let you know that I have disabled comments for this site. The deluge of spam I get everyday is becoming a pain in the ass. I mean what gives people the idea that I’m interested in Online poker anyway? Cialis and Viagra sure, I need those, but Online poker? Puhleeeze! Also, this site will now exist solely as a mirror site for stuff I write for The Man Blog and my BRAND SPANKING NEW PERSONAL SITE. So please, don’t be a pussy and bookmark my new site. NOW.

I know, I know, don’t tell me. I haven’t been updating this site as regularly as I’d want to and I owe a huge part of this inactivity to my utterly terrible time management skills. And if that isn’t bad enough, I suck at multitasking too. You know how some people could pull off something like working on a complicated spreadsheet while surfing the net, talking on the phone, doing their nails, writing a novel AND reading a porn mag all at the same time? This sort of thing does NOT work for me. Everything I do requires my undivided attention. Be it as something as simple as reading a chapter of a book, I need to put on diapers to catch feces and urine as the sheer effort I need to exert to concentrate on what I’m reading would make me forget EVERYTHING including my potty training.

My attention span has never really been that awesome especially when I’m working with numbers, which unfortunately, constitute a large part of the reports I need to generate for my Job. If you ever get the chance to talk to me in person, you’d probably end up punching me square in the face within five minutes as I can be a very annoying douche. The more protracted a conversation is, the more my mind tends to drift off regardless of what we’re talking about. The best way to get something across to me is to pin me down and yell it at me, pausing every other sentence to give me savage kicks to the groin.

So there, I’m very sorry for the lack of updates and I promise to write more often once things stop being so crazy here in the office.

Anyway, as a testament to how sucky my time management skills are and how terrible I am as a friend, I finally got around to celebrating my birthday with my high school friends. I know it’s lame to celebrate something that happened a couple of weeks back but if you know my friends, you’d know that if you fail to treat them to a night filled with alcohol, women and sex; they’re not going to let you live it down and they would forever hate your guts. So you see, I have no choice. I have around 8 friends in total and I can’t afford to lose more.

The plan was pretty straightforward: Consume as much cholesterol-laden food before twelve midnight, transfer to a bar, induce as much alcohol as humanly possible into our system and, of course, get some mad sexing.

As with most of our plans, things didn’t happen the way we envisioned them. We had dinner in this grill that exudes a very “family atmosphere” meaning most of the groups of people eating there are families looking forward to a nice quiet dinner where they could talk amongst themselves about “family topics” such as school, gardening, little johnny’s upcoming piano recital and how the hell young jenny got impregnated by a black man.

The original plan was to have a nice dinner ourselves but alas, for me, the lure of alcohol is much stronger than my tact or my discretion. So after an hour and around seven bottles of beer later I had a good buzz going and much to the chagrin of my friends, I started picking fights with the restaurant staff and generally being a crass, obnoxious bastard. Picture this:

My friend Erwin: Do you remember that time when Mike got detention for cheating in Literature?
My friend Richard: [Laughing] Yeah! I mean dude, who the hell cheats in literature?
Everyone: [Laughing]
Me: [irritated] …
My friend Richard: How about that time Mike pooped his pants and…
Me: [irritated, interrupting] Dude, Fuck you. Since we’re all into this reminiscing shit, do you remember that time when Marion, your girlfriend in junior high, got caught in the chemistry lab with the CAT corps commander’s cock up her ass? Now THAT’s funny! HAHAHAHHahHAHA!
Everyone: [Awkward silence]…
My Friend Erwin: I think we should get going.
My Friend Richard: Let’s.

The time we spent in the bar we moved to to get flushed didn’t go well either. By the time everybody caught up with my drunkenness, our group instantly became a boisterous, disorderly bunch. Ice cubes were hurled at one another, glasses broken; rude, inappropriate remarks were made to women sitting over at another table.

The highlight of the night however was this little competition me and my friend Erwin had. Inside the men’s restroom, there’s this hand dryer which is more or less level with my chin. The goal was to be the first to destroy the thing by axe kicking the hell out of it. Much to my surprise, I won. Although it’s only now that I realize that winning 50 pesos off a stupid bet is not that awesome when you compare it to how much my balls are hurting right now.