I feel terrible. You know how most people have celebrity look-alikes? I mean I have a friend who looks like Rahul Khanna; another one who looks like Dingdong Dantes and one who looks like Luis Guzman(Just kidding Jenny). For as long as I can remember, I’ve always believed that I look like Jao Mapa. What I didn’t realize was that this illusion should’ve died about the same time I discovered that I could lock myself up in my room for days on end, wear a diaper and live off ice cream and assorted dairy products doing nothing else but watch TV and masturbate.
But whenever I look at myself in the mirror I still think "I still look like Jao Mapa. Or at least his fatter, uglier cousin." The wheels of this illusion came off recently when my friend told me that I don’t look like Jao Mapa at all but rather another more famous local celebrity.
Paula: Mike you so do not look like Jao Mapa. You look like somebody else; I’m trying to remember who….
Me: let me help: Jude Law?
Paula: [Annoyed] no, shut up, I’m trying to remember
Me: Um, George Clooney?
Paula: No, a girl…
Me: Wha..?
Paula: JUDY ANN SANTOS!!! HAHAHAH THERE YOU GO!
Me: [Stabs penis with a pen]
The sad thing about it is that I do look like Judy Ann Santos. The resemblance is so striking it’s not even funny! I mean fuck! What a downgrade: Jao Mapa to Judy Ann Santos. Next thing I know somebody’s gonna come up to me and tell me how much I look like their grandfather’s rotting corpse.
—
Okay this one’s for the ladies. We’ve already established how awesome I am, how I’m easily the most sought after man on the internet and how everytime I post a new entry, every girl who reads my blog and girls within a 50 mile radius of them simultaneously orgasm.
This is flattering and all but the marriage proposals have to stop. Seriously. I mean, it bothers me that in the span of one month, I get four marriage proposals. I’d like to take this opportunity to set the record straight: I am not that kind of guy. If you come up to me and propose to have wild drunken sex with you and a 14 year old Israeli boy then sure, I’m all for that. But PLEASE, don’t ask me to marry you! Marriage is a scary SCARY thought.
Anyway, among the four marriage proposals I got, this one gets top honors:
Message from Some Girl at 12:42:42 am
sure, when do you wanna get hitched? we can go to Vegas and get a divorce too overnight
Message to Some Girl at 12:43:23 am
are we gonna have sex?
Message from Some Girl at 12:44:23 am
hahahahaha I wonder what else is inside Mike’s brain aside from pussy, dick, sex, gay, drugs, suicide
Message to Some Girl at 12:46:27 am
Lately? feces and blood.
Message to Some Girl at 12:46:41 am
You still want to marry me?
Message from Some Girl at 12:46:44 am
btw, I used to have a penis.
Message to Some Girl at 12:46:51 am
Bye.
—
Mike "Fucking" Villar
"a Manila-based blogger made famous by his Atrocities of Friendster series, a regular feature he publishes on his blog where he mercilessly criticizes and mocks pictures of ugly people he stumbles upon on popular social networking site, Friendster. Although a lot of people are offended by what he writes, long-time readers of his blog regard him as a brilliant satire writer."
-Taken from my WikiBios page
