But whenever I look at myself in the mirror I still think "I still look like Jao Mapa. Or at least his fatter, uglier cousin." The wheels of this illusion came off recently when my friend told me that I don’t look like Jao Mapa at all but rather another more famous local celebrity.

Paula: Mike you so do not look like Jao Mapa. You look like somebody else; I’m trying to remember who….
Me: let me help: Jude Law?
Paula: [Annoyed] no, shut up, I’m trying to remember
Me: Um, George Clooney?
Paula: No, a girl…
Me: Wha..?
Paula: JUDY ANN SANTOS!!! HAHAHAH THERE YOU GO!
Me: [Stabs penis with a pen]

The sad thing about it is that I do look like Judy Ann Santos. The resemblance is so  striking it’s not even funny! I mean fuck! What a downgrade: Jao Mapa to Judy Ann Santos. Next thing I know somebody’s gonna come up to me and tell me how much I look like their grandfather’s rotting corpse.

—
Okay this one’s for the ladies. We’ve already established how awesome I am, how I’m easily the most sought after man on the internet and how everytime I post a new entry, every girl who reads my blog and girls within a 50 mile radius of them simultaneously orgasm.

This is flattering and all but the marriage proposals have to stop. Seriously. I mean, it bothers me that in the span of one month, I get four marriage proposals. I’d like to take this opportunity to set the record straight: I am not that kind of guy. If you come up to me and propose to have wild drunken sex with you and a 14 year old Israeli boy then sure, I’m all for that. But PLEASE, don’t ask me to marry you! Marriage is a scary SCARY thought.

Anyway, among the four marriage proposals I got, this one gets top honors:

Message from Some Girl at 12:42:42 am
    sure, when do you wanna get hitched? we can go to Vegas and get a divorce too overnight

Message to Some Girl at 12:43:23 am
    are we gonna have sex?

Message from Some Girl at 12:44:23 am
    hahahahaha I wonder what else is inside Mike’s brain aside from pussy, dick, sex, gay, drugs, suicide

 Message to Some Girl at 12:46:27 am
    Lately? feces and blood.

Message to Some Girl at 12:46:41 am
    You still want to marry me?

 Message from Some Girl at 12:46:44 am
    btw, I used to have a penis.

From: [INSERT HOT-SOUNDING CHICK NAME HERE]
To: Mike Villar <god@man-blog.com>
Subject: trying my luck…

uh, i’ve been reading your blog (though honestly, not regularly) and every time i do find time to check your posts, i really enjoy them. anyway, this isn’t a fan email thing. so i’m not one of those girls out to make regular flirtatious exchanges with you.

here’s my point, really: i work for [INSERT NAME OF MAGAZINE WITH A LOT OF PICTURES OF NAKED WOMEN HERE] and we’re looking for a [INSERT KICK-ASS SOUNDING POSITION HERE]. the thing is, it’s so hard to find someone who can tinker with html as well as write, well, well. and your posts do sound like [INSERT NAME OF MAGAZINE WITH A LOT OF PICTURES OF NAKED WOMEN HERE]  (it’s not supposed to be an insult). we’ve been looking for one for quite some time already but to no avail. and i thought, bloggers can do web shit and write, so your blog came to mind. so, i’m writing you at the expense of sounding like a stalker out of sheer love for our magazine.

i’m not sure, though, if you’re doing full-time work or what. i’m just trying my luck. or maybe you can recommend someone? i don’t know, just email me through this address or call me through any of the numbers below if interested. looking forward to a fovarable response.

thanks,

[INSERT HOT-SOUNDING CHICK NAME HERE]

PS. i know this email sounds really weird, so weird and out of the blue that it could be worth blogging about, but i’d really appreciate if you didn’t mention this in your blog. thanks. =)

To which I replied:

From: Mike Villar <god@man-blog.com>
To: [INSERT HOT-SOUNDING CHICK NAME HERE]
Subject: RE: trying my luck…

Sounds good! I’ll send you my CV once I’m done fluffing it up. And oh, if ever I don’t get accepted, can you be there to comfort me, tell me I’m not obese- just a little chubby and at least my use of grammar is immaculate. I have low self esteem you see.

Best,
Mikey

Isn’t this awesome?! This opens a lot of new doors for yours truly. And Im hoping those would be doors that lead to a life filled with sex, gambling, murder and mystery!

Although it’s not as awesome as being featured as People Magazine’s 50 hottest men; I’m still hoping landing a gig like this would help me get laid. I mean this blogging thing’s obviously not working out for me; I’ve been doing this shit for over 6 months now and all I get are stupid Marriage proposals.

Of course it’s not too late ladies, you can still send me an email at god [at] man-blog.com simply put "Im a hot chick with big boobs and I want to have sex with you you big pile of Sex-ay" in the subject line to ensure that I don’t ignore it. Thank you.

—

Finally, the most awesome forum in the interweb is up! The MAN BLOG FORUM. 

 "One of our biggest hopes for the forum is that it can be a rich resource from which we can get ideas for future articles. So feel free to post any article submissions you may have lying around. Don’t be afraid to be shot down. We’d like to think we have a high standard with our articles, and we hope to maintain that.

Also, we’re not just looking for ideas, we’re looking for regular writers as well.

So I guess that’s it. Sign up now so we can make fun of you as soon as possible."

So please: Don’t be a fag and register. I spent around 30 minutes writing this post, entertaining you to the point of orgasm and this is all I’m asking from you in return; actually that and bookmarking and linking my new site. Show some gratitutde. Asshole.